Ah.
Hi.
Thanks for clicking the link that led you to this blog... Now it is whether you can bear to read its contents. This blog has been labelled 'cheam' by most people whom I know
(therefore highlighting their incompetency in the English language... hehehehehe xD no I'm just joking, don't pelt me with rotten veggies.. *splat!*)
Each entry in this blog are like pieces of my disillusioned self... Good luck to the one who dares brave into uncharted territory... the chasms of my mind.
I know you don't like what you see. Yes... I hear your displeasure already... See the red button on the top right hand corner? Yes that. The one with the little 'x'... Click that...
And for those who wish to stay, Arigato gozaimasu~! Please tag... ^^
Use the hearts on the left to navigate =)
Disclaimer
Moi pathetic self
Cheeryl Tan (a.k.a. JoBiChI~sAn ^^)
Currently 16. And VERY screwed up.
Libra
October 17th xD
Year of the Goat
Blood type B+ (tasty, because blood all around is...)
(Did I mention that I play with blood?)
Super-sensitive to the sun (vampire mah~)(never want to see the sun again...)
Die hard anime and manga fan! And dying for it...
Future Manga Artist.. I'll tell my stories to the world!
Obsession with... MUSHROOMS... <3
Choir!
Love science... All branches of it... But....
Love to sing
Love writing poems n songs
Love to draw
Loves the power of 'cheaminology' >_< Love writing LoOoOoOoOonnnggggg compos...
Love... A beautiful reality! <3
Where is the love?
Morbid and emo-ing... Again.
Wonders about Life
Counsellor! But can't even help myself...
Dreams of making own universes... While attempting to withdraw into my own...
Contorted in millions of philosophies
Japanese bands ROCK!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
NOW PLAYING:
Just click on it. It won't kill you.
Currently 16. And VERY screwed up.
Libra
October 17th xD
Year of the Goat
Blood type B+ (tasty, because blood all around is...)
(Did I mention that I play with blood?)
Super-sensitive to the sun (vampire mah~)(never want to see the sun again...)
Die hard anime and manga fan! And dying for it...
Future Manga Artist.. I'll tell my stories to the world!
Obsession with... MUSHROOMS... <3
Choir!
Love science... All branches of it... But....
Love to sing
Love writing poems n songs
Love to draw
Loves the power of 'cheaminology' >_< Love writing LoOoOoOoOonnnggggg compos...
Love... A beautiful reality! <3
Where is the love?
Morbid and emo-ing... Again.
Wonders about Life
Counsellor! But can't even help myself...
Dreams of making own universes... While attempting to withdraw into my own...
Contorted in millions of philosophies
Japanese bands ROCK!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
NOW PLAYING:
Just click on it. It won't kill you.
The archives
29 March 2008
Well...
To those who even read my old post? Congratulations.
To those who didn't, don't.
I'm outta here~~~
I think.
SP! PPP! Over!!! Finally! Sigh.
The past few months have been trying times... I questioned myself again. Lots of questions, lots unanswered. New ones, old ones, puzzling ones, painful ones... It's the maze. All over again, but a new one. Unlike the old maze.. I know the way. But the question is... Which way do I choose?
The path that I chose to walk so long ago... I have doubts. Very big doubts. But there's no way I can turn back now... I chose to ignore my true calling. It is only now that I realise this was wrong. But what can I do now? As my will to move on wavers, the steps I take become every so heavy. What should I do now?
Stupid, stupid me...
At the very least... Through the past few months, I met many people, learnt many things, built new relationships, strengthened old ones... However hard it will be, at least I have those. The people around me... without them, I doubt I could have gone so far. Even if the path I now walk is the wrong one... At least......
At least, I'm more honest with myself now.
But... Can I still move on?
End of post! XD
To those who even read my old post? Congratulations.
To those who didn't, don't.
I'm outta here~~~
I think.
SP! PPP! Over!!! Finally! Sigh.
The past few months have been trying times... I questioned myself again. Lots of questions, lots unanswered. New ones, old ones, puzzling ones, painful ones... It's the maze. All over again, but a new one. Unlike the old maze.. I know the way. But the question is... Which way do I choose?
The path that I chose to walk so long ago... I have doubts. Very big doubts. But there's no way I can turn back now... I chose to ignore my true calling. It is only now that I realise this was wrong. But what can I do now? As my will to move on wavers, the steps I take become every so heavy. What should I do now?
Stupid, stupid me...
At the very least... Through the past few months, I met many people, learnt many things, built new relationships, strengthened old ones... However hard it will be, at least I have those. The people around me... without them, I doubt I could have gone so far. Even if the path I now walk is the wrong one... At least......
At least, I'm more honest with myself now.
But... Can I still move on?
End of post! XD
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 11:48:00 PM
13 March 2008
Turn 'Help' into 'Hell'.
Since I'm a sucker and I gave up writing on my blog, I shall now post excerpts from my own old posts to reflect my changing mood....
"To think that just some time ago, I'd been a wanderer of the shadows... then the doors to enlightenment came to me, unexpectedly... But still, regardless of the knowledge of hope, I was trapped in my shadows.. the memories that so tormented me, the actions I should have never done. Then a decision to make amends.. And yet, as if Heaven was smiling down on me, I had been given a new strength, and with it I can walk the distance... Hand in hand, we will walk the journey called life..."
From the post called "Naivety"
"Why does everything fail to raise my downtrodden spirit? Is it just because I'm so tired that I've got no energy left to scream for joy, or is it because there doesn't seem to be anything to be happy about anymore? The world spins as always, a dying world's fate in sight... Perhaps the earth's plight mirrors my emotion.. The skies send showers down as torrents flood my own heart. My room darkens as my mood pales away.. The news show nothing but sad tales (at least, whatever news I ever read or hear)..
Each step I take, brings me closer and closer to the end. Where do we go after the end? It just stops, doesn't it? And we can never see, touch, hear, taste or feel the world again. It just ends. Maybe for those in different religions, things are different. But after all, when we die the elements within us just cease to work their mysterious energies which bring about life. We're just a bunch of elements, controlled by a bunch of elements and the world's environment, which is still a bunch of elements. How pathetic life seems."
From the post labeled "Dreams are Weird"
"Love? Bah. Youngmin is partially right. It does exist, but how long does it last? How will you know if it's really love? What can it do to a person? How can it benefit us? How will you know if the other person loves you the same way? How'd you know if it isnt lust?
A very old post labeled "A faint longing"
I wish I knew how to put my post titles on my blog. Apparently the layout doesn't call for it...
Reading my previous posts, and feeling nostalgic... And realising that I haven't grown at all. I claim I did (in another post labeled "Grow") but ironically, I don't think I did. I am still me. I can relate to the 1st excerpt the best. A wanderer of the shadows... But I'd like to add this: A formless being torn between the past and the future... Lost in the everchanging world called humanity. That's why I listen to Doubt and Trust. I love the song, but not just for the beat. It's because it suits me perfectly.
No one ever believes me nowadays. Caught up in my work from SP, caught up in my own dream, entangled in my growing depression... It's back, with a vengeance. I've been replaying Doubt and Trust for the last 3 days... I have no idea why. Things just don't seem the way it is anymore. I burst into tears every so often, like I can't control them... What is happening to me? Why can't I handle anything anymore?
The past time I was not on this blog, a whole lot has happened. And it's killing me. Eating and drinking becomes a chore, swallowing them makes me want to vomit. Mealtimes become stressful. Sleeping becomes near impossible unless I'm very tired. I shiver in bed each night. I don't know if it's out of cold or fear, not anymore... My mind seems to have distorted itself from the sheer lack of sleep... I thought the O levels were over? Shouldn't it all be alright? Why am I still working and working?
No... its never all right... I chose to work and work and work. And my parents don't understand it either. I say I have no time to do anything, only my work. And they say I can't cope with my work, and thus don't allow me to sign up for japanese class (in SP, there's a module taken separately for japanese. the deadline's tomorrow.) and then, I say I'm stressed up and I need a break, and I want to go watch a movie with my boy... But then my mum says "you are thinking irrationally" or something to that extent, and tells me to call her when I think more rationally... I try again. But by then it is too late for me to go watch the movie. My mum calls and tells me its my fault for being the way I am. I chose to work the way I do now... And that she doesn't know what I want. I have nothing left to say. And I give up.
All that my mother said were true. But only one thing she forgot to mention:
I'm going insane.
Why am I stuck in between everything? Why haven't I reached breaking point, to the point I need to go to IMH? (or whatever they call it, I couldn't care less) Why haven't i gone back to normal? Why can't I do things the way I used to? I'm frustrated at myself. I don't even know what I am working for. I love my manga, love my dream, love my work... But at the same time, I loathe it. Because I'm so stressed... The deadlines and all are reasonable, really. But my parents stress me out. Claim that they're worried about me, and then deny it the next. What more can a confused teenager do?
No, no, no... it's all my fault. Nothing is anyone's fault anymore. It's my fault for being so stuck up, my fault for overestimating my abilities. My fault for not taking care of my own health, for wanting to work more, for wanting to push it further, for disturbing all the people around me, for breaking the heart of my beau....
It's all my fault...
And I still don't know why...
I can't lie to myself anymore. I really can't. I really can't go on. But my parents don't believe me. No one does. Everyone is laughing, everyone seems happy, and I don't know why. Is that truly depression? Even the friends who face the same assignments and work don't look half as screwed up as me. Why? Why can't I go on? Why the hell am I posting this anyway? No one will help me, will they? No one can... I have only myself to blame...
But...
Help.
Since I'm a sucker and I gave up writing on my blog, I shall now post excerpts from my own old posts to reflect my changing mood....
"To think that just some time ago, I'd been a wanderer of the shadows... then the doors to enlightenment came to me, unexpectedly... But still, regardless of the knowledge of hope, I was trapped in my shadows.. the memories that so tormented me, the actions I should have never done. Then a decision to make amends.. And yet, as if Heaven was smiling down on me, I had been given a new strength, and with it I can walk the distance... Hand in hand, we will walk the journey called life..."
From the post called "Naivety"
"Why does everything fail to raise my downtrodden spirit? Is it just because I'm so tired that I've got no energy left to scream for joy, or is it because there doesn't seem to be anything to be happy about anymore? The world spins as always, a dying world's fate in sight... Perhaps the earth's plight mirrors my emotion.. The skies send showers down as torrents flood my own heart. My room darkens as my mood pales away.. The news show nothing but sad tales (at least, whatever news I ever read or hear)..
Each step I take, brings me closer and closer to the end. Where do we go after the end? It just stops, doesn't it? And we can never see, touch, hear, taste or feel the world again. It just ends. Maybe for those in different religions, things are different. But after all, when we die the elements within us just cease to work their mysterious energies which bring about life. We're just a bunch of elements, controlled by a bunch of elements and the world's environment, which is still a bunch of elements. How pathetic life seems."
From the post labeled "Dreams are Weird"
"Love? Bah. Youngmin is partially right. It does exist, but how long does it last? How will you know if it's really love? What can it do to a person? How can it benefit us? How will you know if the other person loves you the same way? How'd you know if it isnt lust?
Besides... I don't need no love (as in heterosexual type?) You dont need it to survive. I will go all out to fulfil my ambitions and goals. If love will impede me, it has to be relinquished. It has to go. Love? Who needs it.
Haiz... Me the incredible "love expert" (emphasis on the inverted commas) is stumped by her own problem. Somehow, when one can solve others' problems, when it occurs to you yourself or someone close 2 you (like family), you'll be stupefied. Yeah."A very old post labeled "A faint longing"
I wish I knew how to put my post titles on my blog. Apparently the layout doesn't call for it...
Reading my previous posts, and feeling nostalgic... And realising that I haven't grown at all. I claim I did (in another post labeled "Grow") but ironically, I don't think I did. I am still me. I can relate to the 1st excerpt the best. A wanderer of the shadows... But I'd like to add this: A formless being torn between the past and the future... Lost in the everchanging world called humanity. That's why I listen to Doubt and Trust. I love the song, but not just for the beat. It's because it suits me perfectly.
No one ever believes me nowadays. Caught up in my work from SP, caught up in my own dream, entangled in my growing depression... It's back, with a vengeance. I've been replaying Doubt and Trust for the last 3 days... I have no idea why. Things just don't seem the way it is anymore. I burst into tears every so often, like I can't control them... What is happening to me? Why can't I handle anything anymore?
The past time I was not on this blog, a whole lot has happened. And it's killing me. Eating and drinking becomes a chore, swallowing them makes me want to vomit. Mealtimes become stressful. Sleeping becomes near impossible unless I'm very tired. I shiver in bed each night. I don't know if it's out of cold or fear, not anymore... My mind seems to have distorted itself from the sheer lack of sleep... I thought the O levels were over? Shouldn't it all be alright? Why am I still working and working?
No... its never all right... I chose to work and work and work. And my parents don't understand it either. I say I have no time to do anything, only my work. And they say I can't cope with my work, and thus don't allow me to sign up for japanese class (in SP, there's a module taken separately for japanese. the deadline's tomorrow.) and then, I say I'm stressed up and I need a break, and I want to go watch a movie with my boy... But then my mum says "you are thinking irrationally" or something to that extent, and tells me to call her when I think more rationally... I try again. But by then it is too late for me to go watch the movie. My mum calls and tells me its my fault for being the way I am. I chose to work the way I do now... And that she doesn't know what I want. I have nothing left to say. And I give up.
All that my mother said were true. But only one thing she forgot to mention:
I'm going insane.
Why am I stuck in between everything? Why haven't I reached breaking point, to the point I need to go to IMH? (or whatever they call it, I couldn't care less) Why haven't i gone back to normal? Why can't I do things the way I used to? I'm frustrated at myself. I don't even know what I am working for. I love my manga, love my dream, love my work... But at the same time, I loathe it. Because I'm so stressed... The deadlines and all are reasonable, really. But my parents stress me out. Claim that they're worried about me, and then deny it the next. What more can a confused teenager do?
No, no, no... it's all my fault. Nothing is anyone's fault anymore. It's my fault for being so stuck up, my fault for overestimating my abilities. My fault for not taking care of my own health, for wanting to work more, for wanting to push it further, for disturbing all the people around me, for breaking the heart of my beau....
It's all my fault...
And I still don't know why...
I can't lie to myself anymore. I really can't. I really can't go on. But my parents don't believe me. No one does. Everyone is laughing, everyone seems happy, and I don't know why. Is that truly depression? Even the friends who face the same assignments and work don't look half as screwed up as me. Why? Why can't I go on? Why the hell am I posting this anyway? No one will help me, will they? No one can... I have only myself to blame...
But...
Help.
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 12:10:00 PM