Ah.
Hi.
Thanks for clicking the link that led you to this blog... Now it is whether you can bear to read its contents. This blog has been labelled 'cheam' by most people whom I know
(therefore highlighting their incompetency in the English language... hehehehehe xD no I'm just joking, don't pelt me with rotten veggies.. *splat!*)
Each entry in this blog are like pieces of my disillusioned self... Good luck to the one who dares brave into uncharted territory... the chasms of my mind.
I know you don't like what you see. Yes... I hear your displeasure already... See the red button on the top right hand corner? Yes that. The one with the little 'x'... Click that...
And for those who wish to stay, Arigato gozaimasu~! Please tag... ^^
Use the hearts on the left to navigate =)
Disclaimer
Moi pathetic self
Cheeryl Tan (a.k.a. JoBiChI~sAn ^^)
Currently 16. And VERY screwed up.
Libra
October 17th xD
Year of the Goat
Blood type B+ (tasty, because blood all around is...)
(Did I mention that I play with blood?)
Super-sensitive to the sun (vampire mah~)(never want to see the sun again...)
Die hard anime and manga fan! And dying for it...
Future Manga Artist.. I'll tell my stories to the world!
Obsession with... MUSHROOMS... <3
Choir!
Love science... All branches of it... But....
Love to sing
Love writing poems n songs
Love to draw
Loves the power of 'cheaminology' >_< Love writing LoOoOoOoOonnnggggg compos...
Love... A beautiful reality! <3
Where is the love?
Morbid and emo-ing... Again.
Wonders about Life
Counsellor! But can't even help myself...
Dreams of making own universes... While attempting to withdraw into my own...
Contorted in millions of philosophies
Japanese bands ROCK!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
NOW PLAYING:
Just click on it. It won't kill you.
Currently 16. And VERY screwed up.
Libra
October 17th xD
Year of the Goat
Blood type B+ (tasty, because blood all around is...)
(Did I mention that I play with blood?)
Super-sensitive to the sun (vampire mah~)(never want to see the sun again...)
Die hard anime and manga fan! And dying for it...
Future Manga Artist.. I'll tell my stories to the world!
Obsession with... MUSHROOMS... <3
Choir!
Love science... All branches of it... But....
Love to sing
Love writing poems n songs
Love to draw
Loves the power of 'cheaminology' >_< Love writing LoOoOoOoOonnnggggg compos...
Love... A beautiful reality! <3
Where is the love?
Morbid and emo-ing... Again.
Wonders about Life
Counsellor! But can't even help myself...
Dreams of making own universes... While attempting to withdraw into my own...
Contorted in millions of philosophies
Japanese bands ROCK!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
NOW PLAYING:
Just click on it. It won't kill you.
The archives
31 March 2007
Where's my head?
In repulsive s****...
I'm seriously losing it.
Yet I'm still alive. How?
Maybe coz s**** kept my body together. And oil. And dead skin flakes. (and numerous other grisly stuff I wont mention...)
Woe is one whose brains are leaked out and on the trodden ground...
Yeah and spinal cord trailing from the gap above my head.
I feel so lost...
School life is getting more and more difficult each day. I can't say I wasn't expecting this, but I'm not coping very well either. What's more with choir in the way. There's definitely happy times and sweet times in it all, but hard trying times too. I can't even see my finishing line and yet here I am panting and puffing like a broken down locomotive.. What is WRONG with me???
It's like my 2.4km running for the NAFTA test. I run and I run and I run. Less than a lap out of 2 and a half laps, I'm already gasping for breath and my chest is sucked in and scrunched tight like a bear crushing a salmon's guts, with blood spewing of course. My legs are ready and geared up anytime, but my respiratory system fails me. Woe betide, I manage to pass. But a mere pass? What's the use? What's the glory in that? Who gives a damn? Who will remember it anyway?
It's the same with life I guess. Right now I'm falling over every single stone I tread on. Schoolwork, choir, friendships and relationships alike, teacher-student relationships, responsibilites, and myself.
My junior told me her PE teacher said that listening to music while running helps. And she said her timing went down by 2 mins. Not bad. Maybe I should try that too. Maybe then I can reach my goal of 15mins n below for my 2.4...
But can I find that driving force in my life?
So far, I've only got family behind me. And then more recently, my friends, although I don't know the extent which I can trust them. But I'm happy with the way things turn out. I guess..
But I don't think they are all strong enough to push me forward. So far. But could it be that it's me who's pulling myself back?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh whateva it is. I just hope I can pull through and survive. And bloom as the flower in adversity... Rafflesia!!! Nice wad! Stinky n repulsive like s****...
I wanna run further. This isn't the length I'm running. I'm very sure. But... Can I complete this race? And attain the glory I seek to reach?
In repulsive s****...
I'm seriously losing it.
Yet I'm still alive. How?
Maybe coz s**** kept my body together. And oil. And dead skin flakes. (and numerous other grisly stuff I wont mention...)
Woe is one whose brains are leaked out and on the trodden ground...
Yeah and spinal cord trailing from the gap above my head.
I feel so lost...
School life is getting more and more difficult each day. I can't say I wasn't expecting this, but I'm not coping very well either. What's more with choir in the way. There's definitely happy times and sweet times in it all, but hard trying times too. I can't even see my finishing line and yet here I am panting and puffing like a broken down locomotive.. What is WRONG with me???
It's like my 2.4km running for the NAFTA test. I run and I run and I run. Less than a lap out of 2 and a half laps, I'm already gasping for breath and my chest is sucked in and scrunched tight like a bear crushing a salmon's guts, with blood spewing of course. My legs are ready and geared up anytime, but my respiratory system fails me. Woe betide, I manage to pass. But a mere pass? What's the use? What's the glory in that? Who gives a damn? Who will remember it anyway?
It's the same with life I guess. Right now I'm falling over every single stone I tread on. Schoolwork, choir, friendships and relationships alike, teacher-student relationships, responsibilites, and myself.
My junior told me her PE teacher said that listening to music while running helps. And she said her timing went down by 2 mins. Not bad. Maybe I should try that too. Maybe then I can reach my goal of 15mins n below for my 2.4...
But can I find that driving force in my life?
So far, I've only got family behind me. And then more recently, my friends, although I don't know the extent which I can trust them. But I'm happy with the way things turn out. I guess..
But I don't think they are all strong enough to push me forward. So far. But could it be that it's me who's pulling myself back?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh whateva it is. I just hope I can pull through and survive. And bloom as the flower in adversity... Rafflesia!!! Nice wad! Stinky n repulsive like s****...
I wanna run further. This isn't the length I'm running. I'm very sure. But... Can I complete this race? And attain the glory I seek to reach?
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 10:09:00 PM
23 March 2007
I don't know why I put that song up.
It's the song "Garden of Everything", by Maaya Sakamoto and Steve Conte. Apparently Maaya is also the singer of the ending songs for 'Tsubasa Chronicles'. She has a really sweet voice... This song's pretty much poetic in nature... And it's sad too. My mentor at SP sent this song to me, and slowly it just grows on me. (I prefer calling her mentor coz we were calling 'em that back at SP for the IP camp '06!)
Here's the lyrics:
Here you are
Daylight star
Made out of miracles
Perfection of your own
You alone
Oh, so incredible
Each atom sings to me
Set me free
From chains of the physical
Oh free me
Oh free me
The mirror melts
I'm somewhere else
Inside eternity
Where you on outstretched wings
Sing within
The garden of everything
Where memories call to me
Backward dreams?
Or phantom reality?
Call to me
They call to me
*And so here we are
Lovers of lost dimensions
Burning supernovas of all sound and sight
Every touch, a temptation
And for every sense, a sensation
Eyes of pure
Deep azure
Quite unbelievable
The sun's daughter
You've been made
Not to fade
Quite inconceivable
Each atom sings to me
Set me free
From chains of the physical
Oh free me
Oh free me
A love like ours
A starry flower
Through seasons and centuries
As rivers reach the sea
You'll reach me
With songs of your symmetry
A small boat
There will float
To far off coasts
The Isle of Infinity
Come with me
Come with me
Here we'll see
Love's lost tree
Made out of miracles
Emotions crystal leaves
To cover me
And you in eternity
Each atom sing to us
Through the blood
"Love is a miracle"
Sings softly
It sing softly
* repeat
And so here we are
Twin stars of brilliant brightness
Lanterns lit by life for all the depths of night
And every day will return us
To arms of the ever eternal
And so here we are
So far from earthly orbits
Burning supernovas of all sound and sight
Where every day will return us
To arms of the ever eternal
Isn't it a beautiful song?
My life's whirling round like a hurricane, things bombarded at me at an overwheming rate... Sometimes all I want is to sit somewhere quietly and stare at nature, revel in its beauty, absorb its wonders into me... But I sooo had to be born in such a phase of time, wherever I look I only see buildings, maybe a few trees, but it's different if I go elsewhere. Like the rice field we saw during the Johor Trip. I couldn't help but sigh in its wonders; the wonder of life. So green and lush, so fresh and full of vitality. Even after the floods, things could still get back on track for the farmers, and we see the fruit of their labour with our very eyes...
It's just sad. How people (some of 'em) treat the earth. And although technology is an advancement, does it really help us or destroy us? Like the computer which I use with to type now, it's consuming energy every single second. And where does it come from? Fossil fuels, likely. And how do we get the fuels? Digging. Mining. Destruction of natural habitats likely too. Pollution. And that's just for obtaining fuels to power the stuff we all take for granted. What about other things?
Ouch.
If there's such thing as a life after death, I hope I can go to some other world where the beings there care and although exploit, ensure that their planet does not suffer the way ours does. Then perhaps, my soul will be content, and maybe less tormented.
OHHHH wadeva!
Gotta go study for the various tests of the week, and actually, for the year. I'd better stop blogging my crap here for some time. Mayb after the O's I'll blog like there's no tomorrow...
It's the song "Garden of Everything", by Maaya Sakamoto and Steve Conte. Apparently Maaya is also the singer of the ending songs for 'Tsubasa Chronicles'. She has a really sweet voice... This song's pretty much poetic in nature... And it's sad too. My mentor at SP sent this song to me, and slowly it just grows on me. (I prefer calling her mentor coz we were calling 'em that back at SP for the IP camp '06!)
Here's the lyrics:
Here you are
Daylight star
Made out of miracles
Perfection of your own
You alone
Oh, so incredible
Each atom sings to me
Set me free
From chains of the physical
Oh free me
Oh free me
The mirror melts
I'm somewhere else
Inside eternity
Where you on outstretched wings
Sing within
The garden of everything
Where memories call to me
Backward dreams?
Or phantom reality?
Call to me
They call to me
*And so here we are
Lovers of lost dimensions
Burning supernovas of all sound and sight
Every touch, a temptation
And for every sense, a sensation
Eyes of pure
Deep azure
Quite unbelievable
The sun's daughter
You've been made
Not to fade
Quite inconceivable
Each atom sings to me
Set me free
From chains of the physical
Oh free me
Oh free me
A love like ours
A starry flower
Through seasons and centuries
As rivers reach the sea
You'll reach me
With songs of your symmetry
A small boat
There will float
To far off coasts
The Isle of Infinity
Come with me
Come with me
Here we'll see
Love's lost tree
Made out of miracles
Emotions crystal leaves
To cover me
And you in eternity
Each atom sing to us
Through the blood
"Love is a miracle"
Sings softly
It sing softly
* repeat
And so here we are
Twin stars of brilliant brightness
Lanterns lit by life for all the depths of night
And every day will return us
To arms of the ever eternal
And so here we are
So far from earthly orbits
Burning supernovas of all sound and sight
Where every day will return us
To arms of the ever eternal
Isn't it a beautiful song?
My life's whirling round like a hurricane, things bombarded at me at an overwheming rate... Sometimes all I want is to sit somewhere quietly and stare at nature, revel in its beauty, absorb its wonders into me... But I sooo had to be born in such a phase of time, wherever I look I only see buildings, maybe a few trees, but it's different if I go elsewhere. Like the rice field we saw during the Johor Trip. I couldn't help but sigh in its wonders; the wonder of life. So green and lush, so fresh and full of vitality. Even after the floods, things could still get back on track for the farmers, and we see the fruit of their labour with our very eyes...
It's just sad. How people (some of 'em) treat the earth. And although technology is an advancement, does it really help us or destroy us? Like the computer which I use with to type now, it's consuming energy every single second. And where does it come from? Fossil fuels, likely. And how do we get the fuels? Digging. Mining. Destruction of natural habitats likely too. Pollution. And that's just for obtaining fuels to power the stuff we all take for granted. What about other things?
Ouch.
If there's such thing as a life after death, I hope I can go to some other world where the beings there care and although exploit, ensure that their planet does not suffer the way ours does. Then perhaps, my soul will be content, and maybe less tormented.
OHHHH wadeva!
Gotta go study for the various tests of the week, and actually, for the year. I'd better stop blogging my crap here for some time. Mayb after the O's I'll blog like there's no tomorrow...
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 5:42:00 PM
20 March 2007
Raindrops fell upon my face.
Sent ym to the bus stop after doing the english project, which was a little overdue. Finally, with pathetic recordings and a few re-records we finished it. I can't say I'm pleased with the result. Turns out I sound horrid on playback. Actually I've always sounded horrid, just that I needed something to blast it at me before I can admit it.
I feel so empty inside. An empty shell, fragile and easily smashed. My feelings have died, or rather, I'm killing them with metal. Molten steel is my weapon of choice. I have severed my heart with my bare hands, ripping the aorta and pulmonary arteries, crushing the veins, and drowning it in the metal. That's the pain I'm feeling now (or the delusion which I've set upon myself)
If only I were a cold-blooded creature of the night, talking to no one, unreceptive to anyone. No words could make me falter, no actions would move me. But I am a human being, set forth to live on this whirling sphere of madness called the Earth. I see the sights humans see, hear the sounds humans hear, breathing the same air that has been around for eons, drinking the water which sustains our lives. I also feel as humans do, unfortunately.
What is the point of having feelings when you'd get hurt from them? Wouldn't it be better if one could not feel? Then one would be safe; one would never be hurt by a mere phrase or sentence. One would feel nought when being pushed down a flight of stairs, or jabbed in the stomach by a table, or hit in the face by a football.. Or slapped, punched, kicked, tightly held in vice...
The rain's heavier now.
I guess I can't do anything, can I? I don't trust people easily, neither do I expect anyone at all in this whole wide world to trust me. Such is society, such is myself. But it's lonely. And I'm feeling ever so lost now. Lost in my thoughts, lost looking for my destiny, lost trying to find love... But love isn't easily tangible (Sherrie said it before -- on a V-day gift~ so sweet of her), my search could well go on into my next life, and the next, and the next... (if there is reincarnation at all)
But how I wish I wasn't a female. There would be so many things possible for me to do if I were a guy. At the very least, I could help continue the family line (ehehehe... but it's practical isn't it?) And I would do so much more than what I do now. I can't say I'm not happy with who I am. But I'm not satisfied either. The desire to be a member of the opposite sex has triggered many weird results, both physical and psychologically.
It's DUMB.
I can't say I'm totally lesbian or something (if my mentality is that of a guy, I would fall in love with a gal, isn't that right?) But I don't mind being one xD I've so many doubts about myself and my character that even the simplest n smallest step for nuturing a relationship is exaggerated... Traditionally gals aren't supposed to ask guys out. My take is that if you like someone and wait forever for him to open his mouth, you waste your time. And he might not even have the same feelings of affection towards you. Rejection is also another problem, which I find most gals cant handle. I'm cool though. It's a huge surprise if anyone, not to mention a member of the opposite sex, would even appreciate and accept me for who I am...
And of course, being a guy seems like alot of fun. Besides the stress in looking 'cool' or keeping a reputation (which I don't even give a damn), guys seem to enjoy life better than gals. Well, better than me I guess.
Enough crap talk. My eyes are about to fall from its sockets. I don't wanna lose the humour in me... Biology students get it?
Oh by the way, I drew a pic of a gal/guy dripping a human heart in molten steel. Should be female. She's got boobies.
Sent ym to the bus stop after doing the english project, which was a little overdue. Finally, with pathetic recordings and a few re-records we finished it. I can't say I'm pleased with the result. Turns out I sound horrid on playback. Actually I've always sounded horrid, just that I needed something to blast it at me before I can admit it.
I feel so empty inside. An empty shell, fragile and easily smashed. My feelings have died, or rather, I'm killing them with metal. Molten steel is my weapon of choice. I have severed my heart with my bare hands, ripping the aorta and pulmonary arteries, crushing the veins, and drowning it in the metal. That's the pain I'm feeling now (or the delusion which I've set upon myself)
If only I were a cold-blooded creature of the night, talking to no one, unreceptive to anyone. No words could make me falter, no actions would move me. But I am a human being, set forth to live on this whirling sphere of madness called the Earth. I see the sights humans see, hear the sounds humans hear, breathing the same air that has been around for eons, drinking the water which sustains our lives. I also feel as humans do, unfortunately.
What is the point of having feelings when you'd get hurt from them? Wouldn't it be better if one could not feel? Then one would be safe; one would never be hurt by a mere phrase or sentence. One would feel nought when being pushed down a flight of stairs, or jabbed in the stomach by a table, or hit in the face by a football.. Or slapped, punched, kicked, tightly held in vice...
The rain's heavier now.
I guess I can't do anything, can I? I don't trust people easily, neither do I expect anyone at all in this whole wide world to trust me. Such is society, such is myself. But it's lonely. And I'm feeling ever so lost now. Lost in my thoughts, lost looking for my destiny, lost trying to find love... But love isn't easily tangible (Sherrie said it before -- on a V-day gift~ so sweet of her), my search could well go on into my next life, and the next, and the next... (if there is reincarnation at all)
But how I wish I wasn't a female. There would be so many things possible for me to do if I were a guy. At the very least, I could help continue the family line (ehehehe... but it's practical isn't it?) And I would do so much more than what I do now. I can't say I'm not happy with who I am. But I'm not satisfied either. The desire to be a member of the opposite sex has triggered many weird results, both physical and psychologically.
It's DUMB.
I can't say I'm totally lesbian or something (if my mentality is that of a guy, I would fall in love with a gal, isn't that right?) But I don't mind being one xD I've so many doubts about myself and my character that even the simplest n smallest step for nuturing a relationship is exaggerated... Traditionally gals aren't supposed to ask guys out. My take is that if you like someone and wait forever for him to open his mouth, you waste your time. And he might not even have the same feelings of affection towards you. Rejection is also another problem, which I find most gals cant handle. I'm cool though. It's a huge surprise if anyone, not to mention a member of the opposite sex, would even appreciate and accept me for who I am...
And of course, being a guy seems like alot of fun. Besides the stress in looking 'cool' or keeping a reputation (which I don't even give a damn), guys seem to enjoy life better than gals. Well, better than me I guess.
Enough crap talk. My eyes are about to fall from its sockets. I don't wanna lose the humour in me... Biology students get it?
Oh by the way, I drew a pic of a gal/guy dripping a human heart in molten steel. Should be female. She's got boobies.
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 11:23:00 PM
13 March 2007
It's pretty sad...
Today at choir, everyone was so noisy at one go. Bel broke down n cried. So did YQ... And I shouted at the choir too. 1st time raise my voice like hell broke loose...
Lol that's not what I was sad about!
Things got better later on. Ms Yee nearly slaughtered me n jie for going off n forgetting that we had to hear the auditions... Oh dear.
Auditions auditions auditions... I'm so sick of them.
Speaking of which, the organisers will ring me tomorrow if I have passed the auditions for the Teen Star... Hell... Hell...
Why is my life such a disaster?
I don't know what went wrong this time round. No, I've never had any idea about anything... My existence is not of any significance to anyone... Even my close friends are not that close. Although I beg to differ for my choir buds, they still arent the kind of friends I'm looking for.
Then what?
I'm looking for a person who may not fully understand my feelings and emotions, but yet has the patience to listen to me, do whatever he/she can do in any way to try and comfort me... Someone who may not necessarily be there to comfort me when I'm down, but in our hearts our link is so strong that we know we will be there for each other... Someone who will lift me from my prison, release me from my steel-bound wings, and allow me to flourish and fly. Someone, who will in effect, CARE about me, regardless of whether we're together or apart.
But who?
I've had met such a person before. But I didn't treasure this person as I should have. Now, all that's within me are the empty silence of the memories... Resonating within my head...
It's probably just fated.. Perhaps it just was too early... And now, finding such a friend again is... just too difficult. It's like searching for one elusive shell (maybe a few) among the thousands or millions of shells lying on the beaches of the world. And the shell you're looking for may still be in the ocean...
No wonder when Nico (One Piece) said she didn't want to go out to sea as she would be lonely, she was right. But she found 6 trusty 'nakama' whom she could depend on...
Life is just so sad... For me that is... My boat will never settle upon the shore it seeks...
When will I find my saviour again?
Today at choir, everyone was so noisy at one go. Bel broke down n cried. So did YQ... And I shouted at the choir too. 1st time raise my voice like hell broke loose...
Lol that's not what I was sad about!
Things got better later on. Ms Yee nearly slaughtered me n jie for going off n forgetting that we had to hear the auditions... Oh dear.
Auditions auditions auditions... I'm so sick of them.
Speaking of which, the organisers will ring me tomorrow if I have passed the auditions for the Teen Star... Hell... Hell...
Why is my life such a disaster?
I don't know what went wrong this time round. No, I've never had any idea about anything... My existence is not of any significance to anyone... Even my close friends are not that close. Although I beg to differ for my choir buds, they still arent the kind of friends I'm looking for.
Then what?
I'm looking for a person who may not fully understand my feelings and emotions, but yet has the patience to listen to me, do whatever he/she can do in any way to try and comfort me... Someone who may not necessarily be there to comfort me when I'm down, but in our hearts our link is so strong that we know we will be there for each other... Someone who will lift me from my prison, release me from my steel-bound wings, and allow me to flourish and fly. Someone, who will in effect, CARE about me, regardless of whether we're together or apart.
But who?
I've had met such a person before. But I didn't treasure this person as I should have. Now, all that's within me are the empty silence of the memories... Resonating within my head...
It's probably just fated.. Perhaps it just was too early... And now, finding such a friend again is... just too difficult. It's like searching for one elusive shell (maybe a few) among the thousands or millions of shells lying on the beaches of the world. And the shell you're looking for may still be in the ocean...
No wonder when Nico (One Piece) said she didn't want to go out to sea as she would be lonely, she was right. But she found 6 trusty 'nakama' whom she could depend on...
Life is just so sad... For me that is... My boat will never settle upon the shore it seeks...
When will I find my saviour again?
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 6:17:00 PM
12 March 2007
It's OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow... I feel very very very relieved...
Went for the auditions today... OH GAWD! The contestants there rock like hell!
One girl was singing like it was almost nothing to her. Like it was natural. Ohhh how I wish I could sing like that... But I've got no guts.
Some suggested for me to go for the Campus Superstar auditions...
NO WAY.
I've got enough of auditions!
Me and Joy were pretty nervous at the waiting area... So were the others. There was a cute malay guy from SP who had to take leave from his job to audition for the Teen Star. He sings nice too... Now what was his name... Starts with E n ends with Q... Bother.
Joy rocks. She rocks. I will be kicked out of the auditions like there's no tomorrow... Me, Joy and this malay guy were cracking all sorts of lame jokes... When I'm nervous I make jokes like I'm some comedienne. Somehow when a person's charged with adrenaline, you think better (yeah, metal alertedness... We learnt THAT in bio...)
I don't know if I can get it through to the prelim rounds... But if I do, I can laugh in Mr. Samuie's face *turns to see if Mr. Samuie is looking* Lol... I was thinking of torture devices while waiting for my turn to be auditioned... Heheheehehe...
It's kind of dumb. The judges actually asked me to sing the Japanese song I wanted to sing (big mouth lor, say wad wanted to sing jap song one... Lol) I don't know what they thought of it as they only said thank-you after I was done with 'Pride'. I seriously dunno how good my standards are...
I WANT THE MONEY!
Lol.
But as I said in my self-intro to the judges, which is very true, I am looking for an outlet for my intellect. I draw, sing, write... compose music and poems occasionally... It's all the same. I want to express myself through an outlet.. Many different outlets... But yet, I am never easily satisfied. Like singing a song, I don't usually sing it to relax (except for the occasional squeaky eerie falsettos I put on with my sisters or friends for humour). Singing, to me, helps you to come to terms with yourself (as what I said to YF). It allows you to discover your feelings through song and verse, and of course the beat plays a part. So, singing is an art. Likewise for writing and drawing. They all consume pretty large amounts of creative energy...
But for now, I'm just too drained and emotionally hurt to squeeze out any more of my creative juices for work. I'm tired. Just too tired. There's no life left in me already... My heart's been stolen a long time ago... And the thief won't return it either. It's probably shredded to bits and lying somewhere in the Singapore River...
Lol...
Enough for today. I am sooo going to sleeeeeepppppp and sleeeeeeeppppp... But what will I dream of?
How I wish I could dream of a prospective partner... in crime! Lol.
Love is still a far-off dream for me. Neither am I interested anymore...
Wow... I feel very very very relieved...
Went for the auditions today... OH GAWD! The contestants there rock like hell!
One girl was singing like it was almost nothing to her. Like it was natural. Ohhh how I wish I could sing like that... But I've got no guts.
Some suggested for me to go for the Campus Superstar auditions...
NO WAY.
I've got enough of auditions!
Me and Joy were pretty nervous at the waiting area... So were the others. There was a cute malay guy from SP who had to take leave from his job to audition for the Teen Star. He sings nice too... Now what was his name... Starts with E n ends with Q... Bother.
Joy rocks. She rocks. I will be kicked out of the auditions like there's no tomorrow... Me, Joy and this malay guy were cracking all sorts of lame jokes... When I'm nervous I make jokes like I'm some comedienne. Somehow when a person's charged with adrenaline, you think better (yeah, metal alertedness... We learnt THAT in bio...)
I don't know if I can get it through to the prelim rounds... But if I do, I can laugh in Mr. Samuie's face *turns to see if Mr. Samuie is looking* Lol... I was thinking of torture devices while waiting for my turn to be auditioned... Heheheehehe...
It's kind of dumb. The judges actually asked me to sing the Japanese song I wanted to sing (big mouth lor, say wad wanted to sing jap song one... Lol) I don't know what they thought of it as they only said thank-you after I was done with 'Pride'. I seriously dunno how good my standards are...
I WANT THE MONEY!
Lol.
But as I said in my self-intro to the judges, which is very true, I am looking for an outlet for my intellect. I draw, sing, write... compose music and poems occasionally... It's all the same. I want to express myself through an outlet.. Many different outlets... But yet, I am never easily satisfied. Like singing a song, I don't usually sing it to relax (except for the occasional squeaky eerie falsettos I put on with my sisters or friends for humour). Singing, to me, helps you to come to terms with yourself (as what I said to YF). It allows you to discover your feelings through song and verse, and of course the beat plays a part. So, singing is an art. Likewise for writing and drawing. They all consume pretty large amounts of creative energy...
But for now, I'm just too drained and emotionally hurt to squeeze out any more of my creative juices for work. I'm tired. Just too tired. There's no life left in me already... My heart's been stolen a long time ago... And the thief won't return it either. It's probably shredded to bits and lying somewhere in the Singapore River...
Lol...
Enough for today. I am sooo going to sleeeeeepppppp and sleeeeeeeppppp... But what will I dream of?
How I wish I could dream of a prospective partner... in crime! Lol.
Love is still a far-off dream for me. Neither am I interested anymore...
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 10:55:00 PM
11 March 2007
Tomorrow's the day...
The mere thought of it sends chills down my spine, bringing my blood flow into frantic speeds, and squeezing my chest tightly like a screwed up vice of doom...
OH MY GAWD HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE?!?!?!
I've listened to the song on my mp3, on online-streaming websites, on my WMP... Hell, I'd bet I've listened to it at least 50 times... The play count for the song on my WMP is 33 times... That's 11 times a day on average... excluding the play count on my mp3 player and such.
The song reverberates in my mind like a haunting memory... It won't go away. That's good. I hope it won't. That way, my mind would just be flooded with the song when my turn comes. Then I wouldn't get nervous. No, in fact I would only be focused on the song and nothing but the song. So I'm holding on to its every drumbeat, its every verse, its every tune and meaning... Altogether, these make up the song...
I've never felt this passionate towards an English song before. It's true I'm sure. Music is universal, no matter what language or genre. Each piece, if performed to its best and charged with the writer's intended emotions, will soundly sway the minds of the listeners' to its powerful meaning(s)...
Is anything holding me back? I'm not sure. But I must find out and rid myself of these locks.
What to wear? Check. Foundation? Check. Lip gloss (to soothe my chapped lips)? Check. Mp3 player? Check. Lyrics written down? Check. Self-esteem? Erm...
I really don't know... I guess since I've opted to take the plunge, it's time I stood up and revved up for the game. But it's scary. I darent face up to my fears...
But...
Ohhh stupid girl! Wake up already!!!
You chose this path... Walk already, if not run!
Ok talking to myself doesn't really help...
Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul...
That's not who I am. I'm sure.
So... here I go...
The mere thought of it sends chills down my spine, bringing my blood flow into frantic speeds, and squeezing my chest tightly like a screwed up vice of doom...
OH MY GAWD HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE?!?!?!
I've listened to the song on my mp3, on online-streaming websites, on my WMP... Hell, I'd bet I've listened to it at least 50 times... The play count for the song on my WMP is 33 times... That's 11 times a day on average... excluding the play count on my mp3 player and such.
The song reverberates in my mind like a haunting memory... It won't go away. That's good. I hope it won't. That way, my mind would just be flooded with the song when my turn comes. Then I wouldn't get nervous. No, in fact I would only be focused on the song and nothing but the song. So I'm holding on to its every drumbeat, its every verse, its every tune and meaning... Altogether, these make up the song...
I've never felt this passionate towards an English song before. It's true I'm sure. Music is universal, no matter what language or genre. Each piece, if performed to its best and charged with the writer's intended emotions, will soundly sway the minds of the listeners' to its powerful meaning(s)...
Is anything holding me back? I'm not sure. But I must find out and rid myself of these locks.
What to wear? Check. Foundation? Check. Lip gloss (to soothe my chapped lips)? Check. Mp3 player? Check. Lyrics written down? Check. Self-esteem? Erm...
I really don't know... I guess since I've opted to take the plunge, it's time I stood up and revved up for the game. But it's scary. I darent face up to my fears...
But...
Ohhh stupid girl! Wake up already!!!
You chose this path... Walk already, if not run!
Ok talking to myself doesn't really help...
Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul...
That's not who I am. I'm sure.
So... here I go...
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 9:28:00 PM
10 March 2007
My com's a little like a human with failing kidneys... One speaker doesnt seem to work... But the sound's still pretty powerful... Gotta check its connections later... Lols
I decided to challenge Mr. Samuie. How dare he say I'm a quitter! Lol. But he's right. I've gotta sit up and wake up to my fears. Sooner or later I will have to face them. His four simple words gave me a wake up call. "I've been sleeping for a thousand years it seems!" Time to wake up. Thanks Mr. Samuie~ (lol if he ever reads this...)
I've chosen another song to sing for the auditions... Learnt it within a day... Listened to it 20+ times ytd... It's the closest song I know of that reflects my inner self now... Guess? It's english, yeah, and I've already stated a part of its lyrics.
But I'm not sure if I can carry it off. I plan to do it a capella so in case I go off tempo I won't get faulted. But I'm not sure... I'm scared I will go off-key... Ms Yee mentioned today about 'perfect-pitch' people. I always internalize my notes and I usually don't go off-key unless under stress or if forced to... Is that considered it? Not boasting, but if I am such a person it'll give me an added advantage in the upcoming auditions...
Wow. It's just an audition and I'm fretting over all manners of things... Wear what? Put what make-up? Probably just some foundation (actually I might need alot.) and maybe a lil lip balm with colour. Make me look pale xD lol...
Aaahhh!!! How???? Lol...
It's not even the actual day but I'm already as nervous and as anxious than ever before. My heart races like galloping horses thundering over a rocky cliff seeming to fall... By just thinking about it!
Oh Heaven help me...
I met this guy from my senior's class. Somehow although I didnt know him very well, except that he takes 178 like me and he's in Maria's class, I could talk to him like as if I knew him for a long time. I guess I just needed some one to talk to. He said I should smile more. Or is it? And he said I shouldn't look so depressed all the time... Yeah I guess that's true. Perhaps it takes someone you don't really know to point out where you've failed yourself. But it was good talking to him. Relieved quite a big load off my back after chatting with him. I can never achieve that level of conversation with most of my peers. At least, most of my peers (classmates for example) may never understand or know how to listen to my troubles. Haiz...
But unlike the song, I still haven't found my saviour... Or maybe I have, but he's only pulled me out of the dark, and now... I don't know how my saviour is. It's really cruel, how the passing of time pulls two people apart. I don't know whether he's coping in school, or if he's totally forgotten me, or if he's still thinking of me. But I doubt it. I'm not worth his memories... He shouldn't have to remember the girl who dragged him down along into the darkness... I don't "know what I'm without", neither has anyone ever truly understood me...
The quest continues...
I don't know who I am through other's eyes. I have worn so many different masks, I don't even know who I am anymore. All I know is I've tried very hard to drop them, but the confusion has already consumed me... And it's confusing my friends around me too, I think. Even new people I meet, I often end up pulling on one of my masks, to hide my low self-esteem or to hide my mental states... And nothing ever goes well. I don't know why I feel so horrid. I wish I could look into a clear, untainted mirror, which will reflect the true me... And then perhaps, perhaps I can unleash what really is me... Or I'll self-destruct (Ms Yee's 'phrase of the week', or so she claims)
I would always look into a mirror, looking hard at myself. Exactly what is this being standing before me? What purpose is it of mine here? Why do I feel so confused and mixed up inside?
So many questions left unanswered... Left hanging in the air, like sickening skulls covered in blood, speared and hung with shreds of blood-stained rope... I don't know anything anymore...
I decided to challenge Mr. Samuie. How dare he say I'm a quitter! Lol. But he's right. I've gotta sit up and wake up to my fears. Sooner or later I will have to face them. His four simple words gave me a wake up call. "I've been sleeping for a thousand years it seems!" Time to wake up. Thanks Mr. Samuie~ (lol if he ever reads this...)
I've chosen another song to sing for the auditions... Learnt it within a day... Listened to it 20+ times ytd... It's the closest song I know of that reflects my inner self now... Guess? It's english, yeah, and I've already stated a part of its lyrics.
But I'm not sure if I can carry it off. I plan to do it a capella so in case I go off tempo I won't get faulted. But I'm not sure... I'm scared I will go off-key... Ms Yee mentioned today about 'perfect-pitch' people. I always internalize my notes and I usually don't go off-key unless under stress or if forced to... Is that considered it? Not boasting, but if I am such a person it'll give me an added advantage in the upcoming auditions...
Wow. It's just an audition and I'm fretting over all manners of things... Wear what? Put what make-up? Probably just some foundation (actually I might need alot.) and maybe a lil lip balm with colour. Make me look pale xD lol...
Aaahhh!!! How???? Lol...
It's not even the actual day but I'm already as nervous and as anxious than ever before. My heart races like galloping horses thundering over a rocky cliff seeming to fall... By just thinking about it!
Oh Heaven help me...
I met this guy from my senior's class. Somehow although I didnt know him very well, except that he takes 178 like me and he's in Maria's class, I could talk to him like as if I knew him for a long time. I guess I just needed some one to talk to. He said I should smile more. Or is it? And he said I shouldn't look so depressed all the time... Yeah I guess that's true. Perhaps it takes someone you don't really know to point out where you've failed yourself. But it was good talking to him. Relieved quite a big load off my back after chatting with him. I can never achieve that level of conversation with most of my peers. At least, most of my peers (classmates for example) may never understand or know how to listen to my troubles. Haiz...
But unlike the song, I still haven't found my saviour... Or maybe I have, but he's only pulled me out of the dark, and now... I don't know how my saviour is. It's really cruel, how the passing of time pulls two people apart. I don't know whether he's coping in school, or if he's totally forgotten me, or if he's still thinking of me. But I doubt it. I'm not worth his memories... He shouldn't have to remember the girl who dragged him down along into the darkness... I don't "know what I'm without", neither has anyone ever truly understood me...
The quest continues...
I don't know who I am through other's eyes. I have worn so many different masks, I don't even know who I am anymore. All I know is I've tried very hard to drop them, but the confusion has already consumed me... And it's confusing my friends around me too, I think. Even new people I meet, I often end up pulling on one of my masks, to hide my low self-esteem or to hide my mental states... And nothing ever goes well. I don't know why I feel so horrid. I wish I could look into a clear, untainted mirror, which will reflect the true me... And then perhaps, perhaps I can unleash what really is me... Or I'll self-destruct (Ms Yee's 'phrase of the week', or so she claims)
I would always look into a mirror, looking hard at myself. Exactly what is this being standing before me? What purpose is it of mine here? Why do I feel so confused and mixed up inside?
So many questions left unanswered... Left hanging in the air, like sickening skulls covered in blood, speared and hung with shreds of blood-stained rope... I don't know anything anymore...
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 8:04:00 PM
07 March 2007
Recently, I submitted a form for the Teen Star competition for the... CDC? (ummm I think...)
Checked the website. No details.
When do I make an appearance? No details.
What now? No idea. Neither does Mr. Samuie... No idea if he knows too, forgot to ask him about it...
Seriously, is it a good idea to go at all?
And what song to sing?
Ahhh... My ghost comes to haunt me again. Fear of the stage. Ironic, when I'm actually a choir member. Being up onstage with a group of people is one thing. Going solo is another matter entirely. Am I prepared at all? Nah. What am I doing this for? It's more of challenging myself to push the limits... Well, there's also the attractive $3k if I win... Hehe... If I ever win that is...
Why do I demean myself?
Lack of self-esteem? Yeah, fair enough. Lack of courage? No idea. Likely the problem though...
And I still don't know if it's a good idea singing Japanese songs. Though I love 'em but I don't know if others will, and most importantly, can I carry them off?
I've already got a song in mind, the very same one I sung for the GUSTO auditions... But I still lack power in terms of expressing the song's true meaning. Why?
Is it the lack of lustre in my life now? Or is it the fact I'm already physically drained and not as energetic as my peers anymore? Or is it that I have given up even before the battle's fought?
I once told a friend this too. But here I am displaying the same demeaning behaviour.
AAAAAHHHH!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!
*shoves brain aside*
So many things happening in my pathetic life now. One wonders how I might even survive the O levels, much less the other challenges in life... My dreams, my goals, my hopes etcetera... And feelings gush in like tsunamis flooding the coast of my brain, overtaking my natural course of daily life, swallowing my sanity, making me doubt if I am still me...
Who am I now?
I don't recognise myself anymore... Like the song I have chosen, I am lost and waiting for a sign... Believing there will be a sign out from the darkness now that I'm lying in... A desperate prayer... A lost soul in search of a purpose to go on... The person I looked at in the mirror 5 years ago is not me anymore... I don't know whether to thank the heavens for giving me this wisdom I have achieved in such a mere timespan, but yet the two windows adorning my face already show sign of wear, and so is the body I now reside in... Already I am succumbing to forces I have no idea of, and my form weakens each day. I do not know what is eating me inside, but it's painful...
But I've grown. That's definite. And there's no way of reversing it. I have to accept it. Yet it seems so sad as I see my peers enjoying things I don't know how to enjoy, and I'm alone... I haven't felt more alone in a long time. It seems like I'm shut off from the rest in my classroom... I don't know, I just feel like that. No one's really interested in talking to me, and I don't mind. But it's painful...
It's weird how some of my friends are going through stages of their life which I've already gone through. It's like as my internal clock is running a year or two faster than them in some ways, maybe more. But all the more it makes it sadder, because no one relates to my situation. And it seems that I will sink down again...
Mrs. Liu talked about her relationship with her husband for CME... Which made me think twice about saying I would die before I get married... But, will I ever find someone who can accept me for who I am?
I don't know... I really don't know anything anymore...
Checked the website. No details.
When do I make an appearance? No details.
What now? No idea. Neither does Mr. Samuie... No idea if he knows too, forgot to ask him about it...
Seriously, is it a good idea to go at all?
And what song to sing?
Ahhh... My ghost comes to haunt me again. Fear of the stage. Ironic, when I'm actually a choir member. Being up onstage with a group of people is one thing. Going solo is another matter entirely. Am I prepared at all? Nah. What am I doing this for? It's more of challenging myself to push the limits... Well, there's also the attractive $3k if I win... Hehe... If I ever win that is...
Why do I demean myself?
Lack of self-esteem? Yeah, fair enough. Lack of courage? No idea. Likely the problem though...
And I still don't know if it's a good idea singing Japanese songs. Though I love 'em but I don't know if others will, and most importantly, can I carry them off?
I've already got a song in mind, the very same one I sung for the GUSTO auditions... But I still lack power in terms of expressing the song's true meaning. Why?
Is it the lack of lustre in my life now? Or is it the fact I'm already physically drained and not as energetic as my peers anymore? Or is it that I have given up even before the battle's fought?
I once told a friend this too. But here I am displaying the same demeaning behaviour.
AAAAAHHHH!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!
*shoves brain aside*
So many things happening in my pathetic life now. One wonders how I might even survive the O levels, much less the other challenges in life... My dreams, my goals, my hopes etcetera... And feelings gush in like tsunamis flooding the coast of my brain, overtaking my natural course of daily life, swallowing my sanity, making me doubt if I am still me...
Who am I now?
I don't recognise myself anymore... Like the song I have chosen, I am lost and waiting for a sign... Believing there will be a sign out from the darkness now that I'm lying in... A desperate prayer... A lost soul in search of a purpose to go on... The person I looked at in the mirror 5 years ago is not me anymore... I don't know whether to thank the heavens for giving me this wisdom I have achieved in such a mere timespan, but yet the two windows adorning my face already show sign of wear, and so is the body I now reside in... Already I am succumbing to forces I have no idea of, and my form weakens each day. I do not know what is eating me inside, but it's painful...
But I've grown. That's definite. And there's no way of reversing it. I have to accept it. Yet it seems so sad as I see my peers enjoying things I don't know how to enjoy, and I'm alone... I haven't felt more alone in a long time. It seems like I'm shut off from the rest in my classroom... I don't know, I just feel like that. No one's really interested in talking to me, and I don't mind. But it's painful...
It's weird how some of my friends are going through stages of their life which I've already gone through. It's like as my internal clock is running a year or two faster than them in some ways, maybe more. But all the more it makes it sadder, because no one relates to my situation. And it seems that I will sink down again...
Mrs. Liu talked about her relationship with her husband for CME... Which made me think twice about saying I would die before I get married... But, will I ever find someone who can accept me for who I am?
I don't know... I really don't know anything anymore...
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 5:39:00 PM
03 March 2007
It's been soooooooooo long since I last posted something on my blog... ahhhh!!!!
So many changes.
So many problems.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh...
It's raining again. It's always raining or thundering. The same goes for my life. Let's pretend my existence is a little planet on its own... The planet's going through the same stages as of Earth in its very early years, millions of years ago... Volcanic eruptions, thunderstorms, not a hint of life. Lightning flashes, murky skies... Undesirable, isnt it?
Though I really hope this little planet will someday bloom into life... But that day, is far far away, just like how it took millenia to create the world we live in...
Sigh.
The common test alone and some other things have already gotten me emotionally and physically drained... And to think, its just a common test, and I'm on the verge of losing the will to live. And I get up and smack myself... Cheeryl! How can you crumble under this kind of pressure? How will you survive the O's at this rate?
Sigh.
I don't understand. Maybe I'm entering 'the midnight phase' again. It's gonna be a heck of a ride which I won't remember even 30% of the details. Even after the previous phase, I still can't really recall the pieces. Only mementos from that time is a cross shaped scar on my left arm and a shattered cup... And even I don't understand fully why I did it.
It's March now. Holidays coming, SYF to prepare for, more tests to study for, more hurdles to cross. Unlikely is my holidays going to be any sort of holiday, unless you count maybe short trips to J.B. or outings to the beach or the park... Which isnt too bad either.
Why am I writing all this? I don't know.
But definitely there is a more pressing problem at hand.. Yes, one friend of mine knows. The only way I can describe the problem is in this way. There's a seed I've planted. It grows, and when it's about to bloom, I set it alight.. But yet, I don't know if the flower is even there. The burning of an invisible flower... Sad.
So do I raise the torch or do I douse the flames?
That's my pressing dilemna...
I really don't know...
So many changes.
So many problems.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh...
It's raining again. It's always raining or thundering. The same goes for my life. Let's pretend my existence is a little planet on its own... The planet's going through the same stages as of Earth in its very early years, millions of years ago... Volcanic eruptions, thunderstorms, not a hint of life. Lightning flashes, murky skies... Undesirable, isnt it?
Though I really hope this little planet will someday bloom into life... But that day, is far far away, just like how it took millenia to create the world we live in...
Sigh.
The common test alone and some other things have already gotten me emotionally and physically drained... And to think, its just a common test, and I'm on the verge of losing the will to live. And I get up and smack myself... Cheeryl! How can you crumble under this kind of pressure? How will you survive the O's at this rate?
Sigh.
I don't understand. Maybe I'm entering 'the midnight phase' again. It's gonna be a heck of a ride which I won't remember even 30% of the details. Even after the previous phase, I still can't really recall the pieces. Only mementos from that time is a cross shaped scar on my left arm and a shattered cup... And even I don't understand fully why I did it.
It's March now. Holidays coming, SYF to prepare for, more tests to study for, more hurdles to cross. Unlikely is my holidays going to be any sort of holiday, unless you count maybe short trips to J.B. or outings to the beach or the park... Which isnt too bad either.
Why am I writing all this? I don't know.
But definitely there is a more pressing problem at hand.. Yes, one friend of mine knows. The only way I can describe the problem is in this way. There's a seed I've planted. It grows, and when it's about to bloom, I set it alight.. But yet, I don't know if the flower is even there. The burning of an invisible flower... Sad.
So do I raise the torch or do I douse the flames?
That's my pressing dilemna...
I really don't know...
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 5:50:00 PM