Hi.
Thanks for clicking the link that led you to this blog... Now it is whether you can bear to read its contents. This blog has been labelled 'cheam' by most people whom I know (therefore highlighting their incompetency in the English language... hehehehehe xD no I'm just joking, don't pelt me with rotten veggies.. *splat!*)
Each entry in this blog are like pieces of my disillusioned self... Good luck to the one who dares brave into uncharted territory... the chasms of my mind.
I know you don't like what you see. Yes... I hear your displeasure already... See the red button on the top right hand corner? Yes that. The one with the little 'x'... Click that...
And for those who wish to stay, Arigato gozaimasu~! Please tag... ^^
Use the hearts on the left to navigate =)
Currently 16. And VERY screwed up.
Libra
October 17th xD
Year of the Goat
Blood type B+ (tasty, because blood all around is...)
(Did I mention that I play with blood?)
Super-sensitive to the sun (vampire mah~)(never want to see the sun again...)
Die hard anime and manga fan! And dying for it...
Future Manga Artist.. I'll tell my stories to the world!
Obsession with... MUSHROOMS... <3
Choir!
Love science... All branches of it... But....
Love to sing
Love writing poems n songs
Love to draw
Loves the power of 'cheaminology' >_< Love writing LoOoOoOoOonnnggggg compos...
Love... A beautiful reality! <3
Where is the love?
Morbid and emo-ing... Again.
Wonders about Life
Counsellor! But can't even help myself...
Dreams of making own universes... While attempting to withdraw into my own...
Contorted in millions of philosophies
Japanese bands ROCK!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
NOW PLAYING:
Just click on it. It won't kill you.
It's the SA1s and here am I blogging again...
I feeeeel alive!
Yup. I do.
Just borrowed a book on Japanese verbs... Can you believe it? On the very eve of SA1, with a killer paper called Social Studies WAITING to murder me! But I still borrowed it. It's been a pleasure (and a pain) trying to understand Japanese. Now I know why it's such a difficult language to master.
And I saw this word at the back which caught my eye: Ikiru
It literally means 'to live'.
To live? How do you live?
Seemingly innocent question right? But it can draw many answers...
For me, to live is to enjoy every moment, savour the sweetness of time, drown in all of life's pleasures, be it sad, happy, fulfilling, wasteful, scrumptious (yum!), painful, agonising, enlightening... Anything! Your life is yours to live. It is how you want to see it that makes it beautiful (or nasty!)
But my life now is a crunching mass of STRESS.
SA1s are killing me. My brains churned out til the juices run dry... And I drink coffee more often than not. Usually it's for in the mornings but now I'm drinking it at night to stay awake... Mp3 headphones jammed in my ears, blasting either heavy metal or Japanese rap to keep me awake... the minute 'Snow Rain' or 'Fields of Hope' plays, I switch it immediately... Smsing doesn't help much, although it keeps me slightly more alert...
OH GAWD HELP ME!!!!
Never mind. Zombie cheeryl is here to stay... (wish mr. samuie would STOPPP CALLING ME 'SHHHEEEEEE REELLLLL'!!!! It's irritating!!!!)
My eye circles are worse than ever, hair is as always in bad conditions... just trimmed it but it's still dry n limp. Useless keratin strands!
Oh well. In the name of education I shall persevere...
Back to work!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 5:08:00 PM
Haven't blogged for a million years.. No la, juz 2 weeks or so..
But there's no time for me to do so anyway... And the lack of words makes things worse.
Choir has been getting more intense... Can feel the heat already. SYF's on Monday but I don't feel prepared. I went for it 2 years ago and I don't recall having such feelings before... Perhaps, 2 years ago, my emotionally unstable self did not fully register the significance of the competition, and perhaps my bad memory has led to this...
Come to think of it, I can actually choose what not to remember... Or is it just horrid memory?
I've ever self-induced a sort of 'amnesia' upon myself. Yeah I know it doesn't seem possible. But I did. Erased off nearly all memories of my primary school days, forgotten most of my fellows... Most weren't worth remembering anyway. And even the nice memories were wiped off this mutilated slate. Only a few chunks here and there, not in chronological order, stuck somewhere in my library. I'd better look at the 'Good Things my Friend(s) did for Me' section just to make sure...
Looking through my mental library can be quite fun. But my library is a mess now. Earthquakes have been rocking it for years, and most books are usually not neatly on shelves but strewn all over the floors. There had also been a case whereby the library was burned down a few times, and the librarian had been murdered (luckily resurrected...) And the books are in horrid shape too. Some half-torn or half burnt, some liquified, others bitten or cut up into pieces... There are a few odd ones in good condition, but they're the ones published this year... And there's one particular one I've dipped personally in hydrochloric acid. There's a ferret on the front cover...
Anyone deciphered my nonsense yet?
Whatever.
It's the state of my mind, you dumb people out there.
No I'm joking about the dumb part. I believe people who have read this far are definitely not dumb. Just dumber. Ok ok stop throwing the rotten food already *wince*
Well, better go. Likely I'll be gone from this blog for awhile though.
Jobichi~san whacked you at 9:42:00 PM
But I really feel so squashed up these days... gotta let it all out!!!
Haiz... Bother...
Really feel like screaming my lungs out. Which is what I've been doing lately for choir practices. Yeah I know sop 2s I'm pushing it. But I need to let it all out somwhere. Sorry if we've been going out of tune. If it's anything, it's my fault. Sorry.
I don't know. Usually my singing only reaches a 75% even when performing onstage, about 60% during choir practices in the music room, and at most 70% for the morning sectionals. But recently I've been pushing the bar to more than 80%. Yeah I taste blood alright, even now. Not some infection of sorts but I've been coughing up blood for some time now. If its not my gums its my lungs (lol it rhymes! Does it?)
It feels like my world's spinning round and round like a mad whirring top... Suddenly, its orbit is cut short, only to begin again spinning and spinning... So I'm currently starting to spin again, with even more velocity and of increasing acceleration (yeahhh Physics. Ouch.)
Studies. Choir. Friends. Self. Studies. Choir. Friends. Self. The delicate balance has been disrupted and my emotions wildly swing once again. How can I? To think I had promised a very important person in my life that I'd never do this again. I promised never to induce self-inflicted pain or cower before the darkness upon me... because I had loved him. Yeah. I dare to say this. Easily even the sharp eyes of my parents may be seeing this. But I do admit that I had loved someone with my heart in my fifteen years of my life. No doubt I love the people around me too, family, friends... But that person was important to me to. And I believed, whether it was true or not, that he felt that way too. And because of that, I gave my word. It became our 'yakusoku'...
But I'm without him anymore...
Things just went off too early I guess... And now without his support, I'm falling apart again. But this time round, I roughly know how to pick up the pieces as how he had shown me. And I will pull through, I guess. But now I'm succumbing to my own fears again, and the tears don't stop. They just cascade down my face, never relenting, emotions pouring down my face, never stopping... Why? I had vowed to never cry again. Never to cry for such abominable reasons, never to weep for things so tiny and useless in my life. But they don't stop. And there's no one around who can understand my pain. Nobody's there, even if I try to explain, not a soul I know can feel it, not many have experienced it as I do (my peers I mean)
Why?
What bad karma have I attained in my past life to deserve this?
So be it. I don't know how, but I will survive... I must. For it is my will which I must attain, which I must achieve... But... Do I have that strength? When will the tears stop? How I wish I could be devoid of emotion... never to feel again... but if that were the case, I wouldn't be fulfilling my dreams...
Let it loose.
Jobichi~san whacked you at 10:50:00 PM
Of course sometimes the odd dream comes by with a pleasant surprise here and there. At least I feel better, even if it means I'm smooching some guy I don't even know in the dream (yeah come on! It's just a dream! And at least I feel loved!)
What dreams do you have?
They can mean alot of things. And recently I've been dreaming a lil about choir. Coz SYF mahh!!!
But I don't see this face in each of the dreams involving choir. A face is missing somehow. A very important one. Ok, not me, I see things thrid person perspective in my dream so I know. But this person's kinda important. Well, I don't know how important to the choir, but of some significance in my life now. Where's this person? Why don't I see him/her? (I'll leave you people to guess whether the person's male or female. Maybe hermaphrodite xD)
Whatsoeva. But it bodes ill. I feel it. My dreams have always tried to tell me things which i more often than not try to ignore. It has already predicted too many things that I rather not count. And I fear that this time round, this person might really disappear from my life. I can't really say I will miss the darn human being coz I'm not that close to him/her, but... I don't know. But I don't want bad things to happen again. Already the people around me have come into contact with my 'kaasu'. But why should they? I don't understand what the forces of the universe have in store for me.
But I want to triumph. I will win this battle, even if it means it'll be the last battle I fight in this lifetime...
I wonder what happens when one dies. We're just a bunch of molecules and compounds if you people haven't noticed. So when we die it's just a matter of stopping in our tracks. Literally. But if that's the case, then all consciousness doesn't exist, does it?
Then what exactly drives our body into work? What makes our beings able to communicate to each other?
Jobichi~san whacked you at 6:56:00 PM
It's weird how one accumulates so much rubbish in the mind, and so many precious bits of information. But what do you get? A brain full of crap. Yeah so that's how I feel now.
I feel full of disgusting crap. Memories and memories of my past circle round my head like flies attracted to dung... They whirl round me... My true path. Where is it now? What am I doing? Who am I to have such dreams? Why do I have such dreams? Why must I have such dreams? Why do I want to fulfil them? Do I have to power to fulfil such dreams?
Like the 1st paragraph of my compo 'Flight', "Even when the prayers of the heartbroken are bathed in tears... When are the actually answered?" I found it kind of pathetic... The compo I meant. Only got 20/30 for it. Just one more mark! Mr. Samuie could've been more critical actually. Then I would move forward further.
But will I ever reach the throes of those english powerhouses in my class? He believes I can get my target, but I have doubts. Do I really have such ability? Or was he just being sarcastic. But I am thankful that someone believes in me. That is more than enough. even if they were just lies, those lies sound good. and I don't care if they are lies. So Long as it can become my driving force it doesn't matter where those praises are coming from... I will strive!
I really really doubt I can be true to myself. Day in day out, I look at my masks once more. I try to make sense of my self, my world, other's opinions, and of course, my mind and soul. Apparently, conditons were already not right for me to do what I want to do. But forcing it just made things worse. They called me a lunatic. They said I wanted to play 'Jesus'. But I'm no Christian or Catholic. But... truly somewhere in my heart, I want to fulfil this dream. Leave my mark on this earth in this world...
Oh. Maybe I was just being too naive. How can me, tiny little me, expect to make a change anywhere at all? Pathetic little me. Devoid of any leadership qualities. Not even daring to speak up when things seem wrong. I can't even do a darn thing for my class. Is this me? Is this how thinga are meant to be?
Bleh.
I proudly proclaimed for the 1st time in my life on Sports Day '07 my true dream. Perhaps no one took notice, but never mind. I never, NEVER dared to reveal it to anyone. Up to date that is. But since no one took note, no harm done, right?
Until now, not anyone I know knows it. Perhaps the more perceptive ones have already guessed why I'm going the manga way. Anyone guessed yet? No. Okay. Fine. But it doesn't matter. I don't wanna face the same humiliation from people close to me. Therefore I will keep my true dream a secret. Besides, the conditions I require for it to happen is preposterous. I'd have to alter my self. And anyway, having the desire to be of such has already done things to my body. Now, I no longer know exactly where's my place. I don't fit among the girls and their giggly cliques. Neither do I fit with the group of humans called the opposite sex. So what the heck can a poor weirdo like me do?
Draw.
Guess there's not much I can do. I will just silently draw, silently... silently... Until I attain what my will has taught me to do... then my job on this earth is done. And I can leave, with no regrets.
But... Am I up to it?
Jobichi~san whacked you at 6:29:00 PM
It feels kind of different. Wrong, it IS different.
The keyboard's new too. And the computer's as clean as a newborn baby's bottom. Well, actually newborn babies have blood on their bottoms...
Still installing Windows Live Messenger now... Still thinking of ways to transfer data from one CPU to another... Duh, I'm a computer noobie!
Lol.
Got a new handphone today *yippee!* It's Sony Ericsson. Yay. Music composers rock. Nothing better to do, so I punched in some snazzy beats and whoa la, a ringtone. Pretty lame one though. So long as it rings and I hear it, I guess...
Took a photo of a long legged insect thingy, now stuck in my room's light. It molested me a few times (lol). It's stringy, long, winged and loves the lights. It's gonna be toasted in another hour or so... Why? The lights in my house are round and like little inverted domes. And unfortunately for lost bees and moths, it proves a real dangerous hazard. Once they get in, the only way out is through the searing heat (for them and for our poor delicate hands) of the fluorescent lamp and out the gap. Most insects don't get past that gap after getting in. And I can safely say 99.9% never get out alive, and accumulate in the dome... decomposing... but not turning into soil...
Poor bugs. Thank heavens I'm not one of them.
But I feel kind of like that way now too. I'm helpless to the searing heat of the lamp. I can either wait for the lamp to be switched off and cooled down, or I can force my way through and risk burning to death. But I don't have much patience. I'm already stuck in an alien environment (well, not really, just draining), and I really, really want to get out.
Hell. Something clashed with Windows Live Msgr and now I can't open the damn thing.
Apparently, the flying apparatition has just disappeared. Maybe it died or it escaped and flew out of the window...
Whatever it is. I can't say I'm very happy now. Kinda bogged down by so many things at one go. The end of secondary life is yet to be, but it looks like the end for me already. Can I bear the brunt of it? SA1 will be my last stand... At the rate I'm going, I doubt I can surpass my class in Chemistry. But I must. I will prove to my teachers that Chemistry isnt the weakest subject of our level. I must somehow. Even though it's my poorest science, but I will... I will do it!
But.. Do I have enough willpower to make it happen? And what if I still can't do it even though I've put in my 100%?
Ohmigawd... What am I gonna do???
Whatsoeva. Gotta wake up early again for morning sectionals. Hope I can do a better job as an SL. Coz soon, I won't be doing it anymore.. And I don't wanna let the last few jobs of mine be the worst...
Jobichi~san whacked you at 10:30:00 PM
Today in choir, I actually felt happy. For the first time in so many years, I smiled. A proper, genuine smile. Not a forced one, nor a social propiety. It was really a smile I just couldn't wipe off my face. And of course lots of laughing. Hey. This is weird... Something is so wrong with me.
For some time now I'd always thought our choir lacked the spirit somewhats, and I didn't know how to bring it out in our choir. You see, choir's about telling a story (yeah, Ms Yee always says tt) But ever since the day I joined choir, my purpose was this: I wanted to express myself, I wanted to release myself of emotion through the songs...
But it wasn't a very smooth ride. Sec 2 woes, SL woes, even till now... And today, my petals have fallen. Well, wrong analogy... I think. But 'petals fallen' meaning my burden has been lifted. Erm. Words can't describe my feelings now. It's like my purpose in joining the choir has finally reached the rest. Oh, I was moved to tears. Except I didn't really cry, but I was real happy.
I don't know what's wrong with me! *super huge grin*
But at least, at least finally my wish has come true. I hope BBSS choir will sing with more life in the future... Go on choir! Thanks for making my life so much better! If not for you guys... I doubt I could've lived through the 4 years! Lol I sound like I'm going 2 die or smth...
But really. The only times I really smiled (of coz with my bestie too!) were with choir. It was with choir me n my buds all played fools of ourselves and had fun. And made fun of each other. And cried together sometimes... But I enjoyed it throughly coz I never had such good friends in primary school. And my sec sch buds... Are simply the best!
I can't really bear to think about it. After 4 years, and you're asking me to leave?
I didn't really want to go to BBSS initially. Hated the school, hated myself for being so lousy... But now? I feel so sad sometimes, looking at our school building... Thinking about the happy and the sad... So many memories... So much time spent in the building I've known as my second home...
But it's not really a very good home either, for alot of us...
So. What is my purpose in this school? What can I do for my fellow BBSSians?
I don't know. And recently, I've noticed one of my friends caught in a mess. I don't know to what extent, but he looks very sad. Although usually you see him smiling away with his 'qian da' face, actually I find his form a little disconcerting... I don't really know what he's thinking, and I don't know whether he'll accept my help.. Coz I really want him to be able to fulfil his dream. He should not stay in an environment that will impede his progress...
But can I help him?
I don't know. He might just read this and avoid me like crazy. Who knows?
But if he does, I wanna shout it here. I wanted to talk to him initially but I don't dare to. And although in the beginning I kinda mistook my feelings toward him for romance, but I sorted it out. And I understand now =) He kinds of give me the feeling that he's like a long-lost brother, and I really really really am not joking or anything. Really! i don't really understand why I get so concerned over him either...
I hope he knows who he is... lols? I hope.
Will you let me help you?
Because I care...
Jobichi~san whacked you at 9:34:00 PM
There were so many books left out at the lockers outside the canteen I wish I could take 'em all. Especially the ones with pictures of machines n aircrafts in it. But only 'choped' about 8 books (1 very big one I left in school xD)
Lately I'd been thinking of my previous comic ideas and why they actually stop without a trace. I figured it must've been the lack of planning that led the comic to a dead end. There's a head and a tail but the body's gone somewhat missing... MaYybe an occasional finger or toenail but otherwise, the thing just stops midway...
So I've been planning!
But I don't know how to draw mecha AS USUAL... Like my physics, my mecha drawing is either pathetic to the max or floating above in the sky in all its glory (yeah, floating ashes more likely.)
Bother.
How am I gonna draw my mech then? I have to draw spirit worlds and different dimensions too! Bother.
Never mind all that. Can anyone out there teach me? Lol. Can visualise, can't draw it out. Typical of all beginner artists (or even people like me... I'm no pro either.)
And I wonder to myself today: Am I doing the right thing?
Thinking about certain things of the past made me wonder... Did this relationship have any chance of occuring in the first place? I don't know... But I had thought for some time, and realised that there was something missing.
'Yakusoku'
There wasn't any promise of sorts. Nothing tangible, or even memorable. Nothing said. So what chance did it have of going on? The Probability formula states it's ZERO. No favourable event to speak of. 0/5 is still zero. 0/100 is also still zero. 0 divided by a million, will still be zero. Even Zero divided by One is Zero. The conditions aren't there. Therefore, the favourable event cannot and never will happen...
Perhaps things will never be. Oh shucks, the metal's melting away... No...
Gotta go freeze it again or something.
And 'yakusoku' is a very important thing in a relationship. Now I know that. Without it, the relationship is like a wooden model without its glue. It won't hold for very long...
Whatsoever here is the grand madamemoiselle crapping her ass off again...
Can anyone out there help me?
I feel very lost...
Feel like crying...
Yet the tears can't come out...
I have forgotten how is it like to cry...
Jobichi~san whacked you at 3:38:00 PM
My underwear's got it, my pants got it, luckily my bedsheets got nought (or my entire morning would've been gone clearing the mess!) Time and time again I've been outwitting that part of my body which I had detested so much for the past 15 years, and it had to give me a surprise of a liquid bloom today. Fantasticus infinitum (lol it's not Latin xD)
Ohhhh gaawwwddd am I THAT stressed???
I mean, for my entire school life I have been stressed in and out. But it has never come to a point where my body had to break down on me... I never coughed up blood in lower sec (except when the once-a-year sore throat came about... always on CNY!) Then again, usually I don't. The bane of the month never got this irregular despite the fact my body's been still adjusting at that time. I'm stable now! Aren't I not??? (maybe not mentally...) Then my lungs and throat had to break down on me in sec 3... and down went my descant title (lol, I didnt expect to get it in e 1st place, but who cares now?) Migraines became more commonplace in upper sec, and as I thought it gotten better at the end of sec 3, the throbbings have gotten more frequent and worse...
And now, this.
I can proudly proclaim to the world that I'm officially stressed and my body can't take it at all.
Help?
Worthless casing which houses my soul, can't you giddy up already? I'd love to tell that to my body. But I know I have my limitations and I can't work like a robot. Yet I wish I could. All that time spent sleeping to recharge could've been used to do some other things. And maybe my comic would have been out and ready for publishing in a few month's time. Yeaaahhh I wish...
Maybe I just am not taking care of my casing well enough. Or the stress is just getting to me and my body's showing signs of destruction. As Ms Yee always says, "Either you self-activate or self-destruct." And the polarity's going on 'self-destruct'...
Ohhh my sister just mentioned it. It's April Fools' today. Hahahaha... So my body decided to give me a cruel joke this morning...
Never mind. I better go get a proper breakfast XDXDXD
Jobichi~san whacked you at 10:30:00 AM