School's In!
Wow the first 2 days of extra lessons have been... pretty ok. Yup the stress's in but surprisingly I feel undaunted. Why?
Can't believe myself either... Can't believe myself at all.
Looking back at the memories... the few which I can remember... Who can believe me? All the things I did, all the friendships I built, the one love I ever had, the things I said... All of them, whether pieces of wisdom I now give my friends or the paints I used to colour my tormentors' lives in the past... I don't believe 'em. The poems I ever wrote to the ones I held so dearly in my heart, the cards I tenderly drew with all my sincerity in making that person's special day a beautiful one... I don't believe them at all...
Who am I?
I've met so many people in my life... whether my old primary school classmates or my current ones, teachers, tuition teachers in the past, friends from different events, friends over the net... Are they really friends, some of them? Hahahaha... Friends. How many do I really have? Then again, I can't be bothered. I'm happy that they're some really nice ones around me =)
I still don't get it.
Til now, I can't seem to fathom: why in the world did I feel so strongly for someone who I don't really know? Maybe I'm just bluffing myself, telling myself I know this person well enough. But I don't. Why? He's not fantastic-looking either, though I don't look for looks (lol bad pun) He's merely a guy. Just a guy. Isn't that right? Aren't I right? I don't know why I fell for him nor do I know from when. The moment I saw him? No I don't think so. Eh. Wait.
I vaguely remember a scene where he was talking to one of my seniors... I know who the senior is, but didn't know who he was at that time. Then I went like...(in my head) "He looks like ** ****... except uglier..." Hahahahaha... *sounds of disapproval* It's just strange. Instinct you could call it. Then I was compelled to tease him to no end. Somehow.
WHY?!?!?!?!
Guess that's one of the reasons why he'd rejected me. I suppose. I don't blame him. At least he returned my heart unbroken. Another guy did the opposite. I'm sure he has plenty of reasons. I lack in many ways anyway, and I accept that. Perhaps his heart is elsewhere. Perhaps...
O well...
Still don't get the inner workings of my brain. It's like there's a separate entity present amongst the grey matter, and my teenage mind's contorted in all its complexity... Woe is me. Sometimes I wish so hard that I can be like any other teenager: chat like there's no tomorrow, laugh and play, find fun in playing pranks on fellow peers, cry when a dear one has to leave (eg. migrate/transfer sch)
Well I guess I've done all that.
But none of it seems right.
Nothing ever seems right to me. Why? Is it just because I'm undergoing the growing up stage, or is it 'cos it's always been like this? All I remember is the philosophies circling my head, all those silly sayings I believed and I concocted. Comforting myself, that one day when it is my end, I'll find peace because I have attained what I set out to do, that my life is complete, that I've gone full circle and come back to die...
I feel... empty.
Very empty.
Why?
Anyone care to answer that question?
When teenagers round the world are busily enjoying their lives, here I am worrying so much about the end of it. Worrying worse than any adult. Worrying so much that each day I can't sleep well, can't close my eyes without thinking of the black void that awaits me when I breathe my last... Trying to enjoy my every second and every minute, but yet feeling so cramped up inside...
I fear it.
This is it, isn't it? Fear. No, I do not fear anything. Even when my friends asked, "Cheeryl, don't you fear anything?" I thought for awhile. There is nothing I really fear. Insects are my friends, bats are adorable, the night is welcoming, ghosts draw no fear from me... Fear. So I do fear. Which reminds me once again that I'm human...
Yadayadayada... I guess this 'human' had better get back to work!
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 9:48:00 PM
