It's the last few days of the holidays... After this, my readers (stares at blank space) will have to go without my cheaminology for awhile... 'Cuz I'll be somewhere in Sg. Mati (yes, 'dead river'), Tangkak visiting my cousins and my poor grandpa... Think he got hospitalised again.
And anyway after this, I'm very sure I'll have no more time to post on my baby here *sobs loudly* IM GONNA MISS MY BLOG!!!
It's been some time, I started this blog in January, and now it's near the end of June. Half a year's worth of experiences and insights. That's alot. There'll be more, but I'm afraid I won't be able to share them with my friends, or those people out there who just happen to come across this lil site. So many emotions pumped into each post (well, maybe not all) and each one a literary work (in my eyes xD)
I wonder now how many have read this blog (didn't put a counter, maybe I should xD) But what for? I'm not interested in how many reading it, but how many UNDERSTAND them. How many huh? *silence* yes I know I'm difficult to comprehend... Isn't it? Yeah? *silence again* Duh. No one can answer that... Or maybe no one will.
Well... I'm embarking on a new venture (as usual) but it's gonna help my English as well.. I CAN'T TAKE THAT FAILURE LYING DOWN! From an A I dropped to a B!!! A LOW B!!!! No way man, no way am I going to take that! So I'm going to try to write this story, a fairytale xD
But its not those sweet sweet fairytales where good always wins. This will be a bittersweet tale for people my age (but it's CLICHED as SOMEONE put it!) And I've already written the prologue. What next is the story, which will take extra planning to put things into place.
Where'd the story come from?
Dreams......
Remember? 'Dreams of making own universes'... Now who would miss that?
*cold wind blows*
Okaay.. Fine.
And yesterday I was listening to 'Sen no Yoru wo Koete' more than 10 times... and even til now I'm not sick of it... I guess it's because my heart yearns to sing that song. I'm sorry, but I can't let go of things so soon... I do not understand myself either. What is love? Do I feel that way towards you? Even though I've said so much and done so much, but I'm still unsure of myself. Each time I see you my insides start to turn somersaults. Just hearing you over the phone makes my heart jump up my throat... And for the first time in my life I
stammer... Okay maybe not first time, but I haven't done that in awhile. Always putting up a strong front. And I kept asking myself: WHY. Til this day I can never comprehend it. Questions burning within my head. Always doubting myself. Always.
But I hope I can say it again. And I'll be sure it's right. I'll make sure you hear it loud and clear, no matter how much it hurts to do so. Because it's the most wonderful thing in the world.
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 9:33:00 AM
I recently found a song from Bleach sung by Aqua Timez... Adorable group name, adorable song xD The song's called 'Alones'...
oreta awai tsubasa
kimi wa sukoshi aosugiru sora ni tsukareta dake sa
mou dareka no tame janakute
jibun no tame ni waratte ii yo...
KAWAII! Lols Kon singing in the first part of the opening..
Then I found the movie song they sung. And as I relate to songs sung by guys better (lol) here are the lyrics... I think it perfectly suits my mood now. A lil painful yet somewhat heartwarming... It's called "Sen wo Yoru no Koete".. Think it means A Thousand Nights smthsmth >< jap fail... I'm gonna learn this song. Die die oso learn xD Because I want my heart to sing this song. Now, it is but an empty void. I don't want that. I want it to sing again...
Sen no Yoru wo KoeteAisaretai demo aisou to shinai
Sono kurikaeshi no naka o samayotte
Boku ga mitsuketa kotae wa hitotsu kowakutatte kizutsuitatte
Suki na hito ni wa suki tte tsutaeru n da
Anata ga boku o aishiteru ka aishitenai ka
Nante koto wa mou docchi de mo ii n da
Donna ni negai nozomou ga
Kono sekai ni wa kaerarenu mono ga takusan aru darou
Sou soshite boku ga anata o aishiteru to iu jijitsu dake wa
Dare ni mo kaerarenu shinjitsu da kara
Sen no yoru o koete anata ni tsutaetai
Tsutaenakya naranai koto ga aru
Aisaretai demo aisou to shinai
Sono kurikaeshi no naka o samayotte
Boku ga mitsuketa kotae wa hitotsu kowakutatte
Kizutsuitatte suki na hito ni wa suki tte tsutaeru n da
Kimochi o kotoba ni suru no wa kowai yoDemo suki na hito ni wa suki tte tsutaeru n da
Kono hiroi sekai de meguriau yorokobi o kotoba ja iiarawasenai ne
Dakara boku-tachi wa hohoemi iro azayaka ni sugiru aki o doremi de utatte
Fuyu o se ni haru no komorebi o machi
Atarashiku umarekawaru dareka o mamoreru you ni to
Kita michi to ikisaki furikaereba itsu de mo okubyou na me o shite ita boku
Mukiaitai demo sunao ni narenai
Massugu ni aite o aisenai hibi o
Kurikaeshite wa hitoribocchi o iyagatta ano hi no boku wa
Mukizu no mama de hito o aisou to shite ita
Sen no yoru o koete ima anata ni ai ni yukou
Tsutaenakya naranai koto ga aru
Aisaretai demo aisou to shinai
Sono kurikaeshi no naka o samayotte
Boku ga mitsuketa kotae wa hitotsu kowakutatte
Kizutsuitatte suki na hito ni wa suki tte tsutaeru n da
Sono omoi ga kanawanakutatte suki na hito ni suki tte tsutaeru
Sore wa kono sekai de ichiban suteki na koto sa
EL trans: (for those who bother)
I want to be loved, but you don’t seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if I’m scared, even if I’m hurt
I can say “I love you” to the person who I love
Do you love me? Or not love me?
As for things like that, it’s already fine either way
No matter how I wish
There are many unchangeable things in this world, right?
That’s right, and because only the fact of my loving you
Is the truth unchangeable by anyone
I want to overcome the thousands of nights and tell it to you
There’s something that I must tell youI
want to be loved, but you don’t seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if I’m scared
Even if I’m hurt, I can say “I love you” to the person who I love
It’s scary to turn my feelings into words
But I can say “I love you” to the person who I love
In this broad world, I can’t express the joy of encountering you with words
So we smile, sing about the vividly passing autumn in do-re-mi
Turn our backs on winter, wait for the sunlight streaming through trees in spring
And become reborn anew, so that we can protect someone
On the path we came from and our destination, when we looked back, I’d always have timid eyes
I want to face you, but I can’t be honest
I, who repeated days of not being able to straightforwardly love my partner
And hated being alone on that day
Seemed to love people while unwounded
I’ll overcome the thousands of nights and go meet you now
There is something that I must tell you
I want to be loved, but you don’t seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if I’m scared
Even if I’m hurt, I can say “I love you” to the person who I love
Even if those thoughts aren’t fulfilled, I can say “I love you” to the person who I love
It’s the most wonderful thing in this world
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 12:00:00 PM
Bored. Tired. Sleepy.
All negative.
For once, I wish I had a better state of mind... For once, I wish my mind was back at ease...
No, it never was.
Stress, stress, and more stress... I haven't displayed any symptom of it, apart from my water tap being alot easier to turn on recently... And I guess alot more. I'm breaking up! Finally!
Wow I'm actually happy?
Yeah I'm really stressed...
I'm breaking up...
Into lil' pieces... Maybe no one will find me...
So it goes. Was at the multi-purpose room listening to the choir singing. Wow... Love that Riversong... Gambatte, choir! But the guys were fumbling off both riversong and the prayer... funny why. Then I saw someone walk past who definitely destroyed my day. To think I'd avoided him all this while even in class and yet... If he'd looked in I'd glare right back... Mood-spoiler. Big loser. Bastard. Never wanna see that face again as long as I live. Too bad, we're in the same class. Got another half a year to live with it...
And after going for that choir practice, I guess I realised how badly I wanted to go back to choir, as well as... oh never mind. All I need to see is that smile, hear that familiar chuckle... I guess that's all I need. All I need to know.
I can't ask of so much from anyone. Things just can't be forced.
"When a relationship falls from the sky, you should hold out your your hands to catch it, or if it falls to the ground it will shatter..." (the beginning)
The last episode was yesterday (yes bad translations from chinese to english. Hey, my chinese FAIL de leh!) I couldn't help but agree. Once you miss it, the opportunity will disappear and all would be lost. No matter how hard you try...
As for me, all this while my hands were tied behind my back. Tied with crushing wires, cutting into my skin, blood gushing out of the wounds... Each time I manage to break free from the wires, the fallen star cannot be caught anymore... And I sadly pick up the pieces. Each time the wires become stronger and bind even more tightly than ever to my poor arms... There seems to be no lack of blood. Each time I still try, at least to pick up the pieces. But all fails...
My blood's running out. I cannot bleed anymore than I have. The wires cut deep into my flesh, almost revealing bone and muscle. I cannot bear the pain. But I don't see anything up in the sky. I think I'll just sit here and bleed... Maybe one day the death of heart will claim my tortured soul...
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 3:31:00 PM
Twas watching Bleach for a while now...
Anime... I guess I won't be able to watch 'em soon.
The last few days have been a roll... Work, work, work. I guess that's my only way to divert my emotions and feelings of tempest... The thunderclouds drift into my arena, flashing with their static charges... And I'm holding a lightning rod.
What the heck am I doing?
This is the suffering I chose to inflict upon myself, isn't that so? I chose this path, I chose to open those doors, I chose to take courage and walk toward the shimmering diamonds in the distance... But when will I reach the sea?
How vast, how blue, how lonely... This is what I chose. And so I must continue to move. But no one dictates who you will meet in your lifetime. And I wish we did not cross paths, not at this point of time. Perhaps if we'd met at a later time, I would've gone all out and sung my full song, but all that's left are piercing shards of the swansong... My swansong...
A melody from the deepest corners of my heart. Is that what I sung? But I now bring upon my own punishment for revealing it to you. My forbidden melody, its lyrics and tune so difficult even for the creator to grasp, a song from the recesses of my tortured 'tamashii'... So hard it was to pull it out, now I regret doing so. It is not your fault, but of mine. I brought this upon myself, therefore I face the music... Alone.
When will my judgement end? Fate had cruelly thrown such rare emotion into my path, and yet the moment I become brave enough to embrace it, fate wrenches it away from my arms... Ah, such sadness, so hard to depict. So many times it happened, I no longer have the courage to embrace it again... No longer, no longer.
"Why do we have hands? To hold the ones we love, tightly, never letting them go..."
Where are mine? Filthy, worn things. Though beautiful, as one kind friend once said, the things it ever did... Regretful. I mutilated them. Each time I want to embrace the fires again, I shriek in agony as they pierce my wounded hands... And then, I walk away.
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 6:00:00 PM
School's In!
Wow the first 2 days of extra lessons have been... pretty ok. Yup the stress's in but surprisingly I feel undaunted. Why?
Can't believe myself either... Can't believe myself at all.
Looking back at the memories... the few which I can remember... Who can believe me? All the things I did, all the friendships I built, the one love I ever had, the things I said... All of them, whether pieces of wisdom I now give my friends or the paints I used to colour my tormentors' lives in the past... I don't believe 'em. The poems I ever wrote to the ones I held so dearly in my heart, the cards I tenderly drew with all my sincerity in making that person's special day a beautiful one... I don't believe them at all...
Who am I?
I've met so many people in my life... whether my old primary school classmates or my current ones, teachers, tuition teachers in the past, friends from different events, friends over the net... Are they really friends, some of them? Hahahaha... Friends. How many do I really have? Then again, I can't be bothered. I'm happy that they're some really nice ones around me =)
I still don't get it.
Til now, I can't seem to fathom: why in the world did I feel so strongly for someone who I don't really know? Maybe I'm just bluffing myself, telling myself I know this person well enough. But I don't. Why? He's not fantastic-looking either, though I don't look for looks (lol bad pun) He's merely a guy. Just a guy. Isn't that right? Aren't I right? I don't know why I fell for him nor do I know from when. The moment I saw him? No I don't think so. Eh. Wait.
I vaguely remember a scene where he was talking to one of my seniors... I know who the senior is, but didn't know who he was at that time. Then I went like...(in my head) "He looks like ** ****... except uglier..." Hahahahaha... *sounds of disapproval* It's just strange. Instinct you could call it. Then I was compelled to tease him to no end. Somehow.
WHY?!?!?!?!
Guess that's one of the reasons why he'd rejected me. I suppose. I don't blame him. At least he returned my heart unbroken. Another guy did the opposite. I'm sure he has plenty of reasons. I lack in many ways anyway, and I accept that. Perhaps his heart is elsewhere. Perhaps...
O well...
Still don't get the inner workings of my brain. It's like there's a separate entity present amongst the grey matter, and my teenage mind's contorted in all its complexity... Woe is me. Sometimes I wish so hard that I can be like any other teenager: chat like there's no tomorrow, laugh and play, find fun in playing pranks on fellow peers, cry when a dear one has to leave (eg. migrate/transfer sch)
Well I guess I've done all that.
But none of it seems right.
Nothing ever seems right to me. Why? Is it just because I'm undergoing the growing up stage, or is it 'cos it's always been like this? All I remember is the philosophies circling my head, all those silly sayings I believed and I concocted. Comforting myself, that one day when it is my end, I'll find peace because I have attained what I set out to do, that my life is complete, that I've gone full circle and come back to die...
I feel... empty.
Very empty.
Why?
Anyone care to answer that question?
When teenagers round the world are busily enjoying their lives, here I am worrying so much about the end of it. Worrying worse than any adult. Worrying so much that each day I can't sleep well, can't close my eyes without thinking of the black void that awaits me when I breathe my last... Trying to enjoy my every second and every minute, but yet feeling so cramped up inside...
I fear it.
This is it, isn't it? Fear. No, I do not fear anything. Even when my friends asked, "Cheeryl, don't you fear anything?" I thought for awhile. There is nothing I really fear. Insects are my friends, bats are adorable, the night is welcoming, ghosts draw no fear from me... Fear. So I do fear. Which reminds me once again that I'm human...
Yadayadayada... I guess this 'human' had better get back to work!
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 9:48:00 PM
| What Your Hands Say About You |
 You are logical, analytical, and rational.
You have good verbal skills.
Flexible and broad minded, you can fit in to any situation.
There's no telling where your life will take you.
Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the
point of being incomprehensible.
Your emotions tend to be well though out.
You're willing to wait out a bad situation,
and you're never too quick to act. |
Wow so believable... I don't believe it myself -_-" Then again, how many people actually understand me?
Hmmm... Recent saga in my life is over. I think. Finally, the robin is able to free itself of its chains and suffering... (Thank you. Need not say more=))
Trying to fix up my new skin. It's not really working. Maybe I'll revert back to my old one if this doesn't work.
HTML... curses! Curse the countless number of codes and stuff!
Understanding. Where the heck did that go? My mental library's dictionaries can't seem to find that word. The library's toppled yet again... Thankfully there was no fire, extinguishers came at the right time. Yeah... what kind of fire? A burning sizzling spark, waiting to erupt, but drowned in reality at the right time.
To think of it, how many people in the world understand me at all? Well bad enough if the people around me already don't. So what if there's this silly blog here? How many people bother to read? Or how many even talk to me at all? Even in class, when we're sitting in close proximity, which one of those classmates really talk to me? HARDLY A SOUL. If there's anyone in my class with soul.
Or perhaps, it's me. I decided to do the shutting out. Teachers can't probe, neither can my friends. "Questions to ask, class?" I want to raise my hand, but I hold back. I do not want any of them, any of those 'sempaii' to be concerned by such a mere student. I’d rather be a digit in their eyes, not a person, not a whole person. I’m not worthy of anyone’s concern… I don’t wish to have anyone concerned over me.
But there are a few. And I thank the heavens for these very few.
Now stupid blogger’s down as I was typing this post. Doggone it. Stupid. Oh well. Playtime!
As I was saying… Those few, are the ones who genuinely care about my existence. So few, so far. There might be some who do care, but they don’t really know how. I feel sad each time I think about it. So little time, so few words. Then there are also people whom I wish they cared, people like… never mind. Not my parents though. They fall in the previous category. They do care, if not why’d they bother sending me through education? And clothe and feed me… I’m already thankful for all that. But it’s the needs of the heart they cannot really care for, which is what I find pitiful…
The heart. Merely an organ which helps us live. It does not think or feel like the brain, the main control centre of all our bodily functions. Yet we always refer to relationship problems or feelings as 'affairs of the heart', 'heartbroken', 'tugging at your heartstrings', 'my heart aches' etcetc. Why? Perhaps it is because without these feelings, we are as good as dead. The heart sustains us, so do our feelings and emotion. But emotion is so deadly, powerful, astonishing, painful... It can drive us to succeed, power our hopes and strengths, but yet it can cause our downfalls and destroy self-esteem, turn us senseless. Feelings. The only thing which connects us to others. The force which always is present, to remind us that we're all human, and it's natural...
Just tore a hole on my leg... infected (eww) again, I'm returning to one of my alter egos. Well, at least the youngest one. Perhaps, if I could take the qualities from this alter ego, combine it with my current demeanour... It'll all work out. Then I'll hold with my flithy worn hands the dream I saw so long ago, the dream set in my heart when it was still bright and warm... It now is a dark mass, contorted with delusion and ideals, needles stinging (I think even literally too, with waning health) with the poison of past, the bright red flames of emotion and ambition licking the arteries and muscles once again... And two tiny white buds (as my sis would put it) Two small feathered buds, down covering its frail-looking form...
So there's the robin, shaking free from one of its bonds, breaking away, slowly and surely from the others. Take flight, my feathered companion. Even if the world were to change, I'll still hold on. I'll still sing that song.
"Moshi mo sekai ga kawaru no nara...
Nanimo shiranai koro no watashi ni...
Tsurette itte, omoide ga... iro asenai you ni...
Tsurette itte, setsunasa ga, oitsukanai you ni..."
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 1:57:00 PM
Bother.. Can't seem to get things right.
Stupid skin... hate to edit html... My brain's going palooza!
Anyway... soon I'm gonna change sking yipppeee!!!!
Maybe. Just maybe.
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 3:19:00 PM
Mushiieesss!!!!! Yummy!
See the smiley face? Look closely... That button mushroom on the far right!
Even the mushrooms are smiling when cooked... What more us humans? Eh. We eat those smiley faces. For those depressed koots out there... Smile! The mushrooms smile with you xD
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 5:57:00 PM
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay! Finally! The keyboard's within my reach!
Ohhh how I missed my lil blog *muacks*I think I'll go crazy if I were to study study study...
But... If I don't, then... my dreams, my ambitions... my will...
But... But...
Recently been talking to a good friend of mine, besides counselling alot more difficult people than I ever imagined (but succeeded somehow =)). I poured out my love woes at him (lol) as I did to Xiin n chuunney xD He then told me something:
"To do what's right, one may have to give up his or her dreams..."
I protested. Violently. But at the mention of that someone's name, I faltered. Why?
My ideals were set in stone. My heart was cast of steel... My soul, chained with all its worth to an unmovable pillar of despair... But it seems this person just melted the steel... Is his existence going to destroy the pillar which holds me, the stone which guides me?
And my friend pointed that out to me. "At the mere mention of his name, you say it's a different story... You say your dreams matter to you more than anything else but when HE comes into the picture, it's different... You're willing to bend your own rules..."
HEY. What IS wrong with me?
I do not think. I work. I push his image out of my mind. Hoping. Hoping he'll respond. Hoping...
I work. I do not think. I pretend...
My senses are dulled...
Hey, not bad. At least finally I'm doing my work. At least my mind is concentrating on what's right. But...
What am I doing to myself?
Does it really bother me so? Why?
He knows who he is. I don't blame him for not giving me an answer. I bet I'm too difficult to approach in the first place... Yeah.
Intimidating. Isn't that what I am in class? You yearn to be accepted, but you become ostracised. I am the opposite; I wish not to be accepted. I ostracise my class. Isn't that right, 4e2? If anyone does see this at all. I work. I work. No one can stop that... No backstabbing or love woes will stand in my way. The walls are getting higher and harder. The heat cannot harm my icy gloom...
But it seems... His presence can do more things than I expected.
Just... Answer... Me... I've faced rejections. Not like if you do that too I'll die or something. If it's 'cos you don't want to hurt me, you're wrong. By leaving things hanging in the air, I dare not even think of you. I don't know whether it's right, so I stop. The stirring song edges against the cold, hard pillars... At least if I know you feel nothing of the sort, I can put mine to rest. But without an answer... My heart threatens to tear out of its shell...
The robin yearns to sing, but its throat strangled by thistles and briar, its chest squeezed by metal chains, its beak jammed with stones... At least tell the robin it need not sing anymore. Then it can rest in peace...
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 5:09:00 PM
