Stupid blogger.. now my text here bigger den usual. Nvm. I still wanna blog.
Was talking with my cousin over msn.. Miss them lots.. Miss them badly. I wanna end school soon. I wanna go to Malaysia n meet them...
Then I talked to her about... me.
I really ought to slam myself against a metal crate... BBBOOOONNNGGGG!!! *bleeding ensues* WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!
I darent mention the guy's name here for fear he reads my blog (although I want him to)... And gets totally pissed... I hope no one who partially knows the situation reads this, cuz it'll lead to alot of turmoil which likely will do more harm than good. For those who know I beseech you to SHUT UR GAPS.
It's like this: umm... this is difficult. Let's call this guy... ummm. Ummm... Call him 'Mr. P' then. (its gt nth 2 do wif his name no nid 2 guess u ppl)
Mr. P is younger than me.
*cold wind blows*
Yes.
*cold gale blows*
I'm not joking.
*blizzard*
RIGHT. At first, I'd thought it was just a sort of 'hao gan' cuz when I first met him, I was still having a giant crush on my classmate (who's been my classmate from sec 1 til now!)... and Mr. P resembled him in some ways... So the natural thing (for me) to do was to bully him. No I'm serious. Really TEKAN him. I don't understand it but for so long now... if I set my eyes on a guy, whether romantically or not, he'd probably end up pretty bruised from my poking and prodding (and whacking at times) And.. He became a victim of cuz (nvm abt tt... alotta prev guys oso kena me b4. let's see... tt classmate of mine, my ex, the wilted sunflower xD hmm... who else arh...)
Ok. Nevermind the prodding. As time went by (actually less than a few months) I swiftly got to my senses and whacked myself in the back: HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I LIKE A YOUNGER GUY?!?!?!!! Ok. It was practically against what I was looking for. So maybe, just MAYBE, I had to occupy myself with substitutes... (studying, drawing, etcetc.. bullying other ppl) I'd weighed the pros and cons. Nothing wrong with him being younger... but:
1: He was in love with another gal whose personality is totally the opposite of mine
2: I thought he looked ugly xD (at that time)
3: He seemed childish
4: I'd die if my friends knew I'm hitting on a younger guy
5: I thought my dream would be hindered if I were to indulge in such romantic pursuits
So there you go. I totally wiped the notion off my mind. But I still talked to him etcetc but not alot I guess. I DID tell him I'd had a crush on him before but gave up after weighing the pros and cons (lol? Am I being too frank?) But I think that probably scared the wits out of him. He went like "HHHHHAAAAARRRRRR????!?!!?!" (smth liddat)
So there. I treated him as a good friend after that. He's one of the few people whom I can actually treat as an equal. Why? He seems to be around the same level of maturity as I am. I was honestly impressed with that and of course that piqued me to want to know him better... etcetcetc... And his dream. His dream is an embodiment of my ultimate will. Well, at least most of it is. His dream is a subset of mine (lol) So that drew me further in.
Then there was a point I wanted to ask him if he'd like me to be his godsis or smth. LAME! I really couldn't pinpoint my purpose but... I knew I wanted to help him. Everytime I manage to see him (c arh sr n jr hardly c ea other de ma), I always catch that glimpse of sadness in his eyes. Wonder if I read it wrong, but... They looked sad. Then I heard of his troubles in school. I wanted to help him in some way.. but how? So that tactic arose... But in the end, I never opened my yap. Didn't dare to. Didn't want to invite gossip. I'm sure if I did that his friends would tease him to no end and that would affect his already bad state...
And then, he still liked that girl. No, I'm nt jealous or smth. Felt sad because he was sad. I don't know why either.
All along, I'd thought I just wanted to be some sort of a 'sempaii' figure to him... hoping to be able to give him advice when he needs it, hoping that I can see him attain his dream.. and be happy for him. But it looks like it isnt so simple...
Then recently I KEPT reading physics stuff... reading and reading.. Honestly, I did have an interest in it (been reading encyclopedias since I was 4yrs old!) Then I kept asking him what dis meant n what that meant... But cuz he could not(or probably didnt want) to reply. I can only really chat with him on Msn. How foolish of me...
*sigh*
72hrs of dreaminess... Is is the effect of numbing all my feelings for so long, and suddenly... letting them rush all out again? Is this the exaggeration of my mind? Are those feelings real?
I don't know. His eyes, his smile, his postures and gestures... his dream, his talents... all allure me... (if Mr. P has read to this point, he'd probably barf. Then again, if you'd read til here I bet you're barfing)
But there's one thing I know for sure. Whether its the longing for love, or the longing to be a sort of mother figure to someone, I really want to see him achieve his dream. I don't know how I can help him, and I've been so useless all this while. Useless to everyone. Class, Choir, Friends, My 'nakama'.. I've been a useless b****. Why would he even like me... as in romantically at all... in the first place? What am I trying to get from this? What do I want? I don't even know what place do I stand in his world... What makes me think that I can even be someone who can motivate him or support him?
Perhaps... It is love. Is it? No. Even if it is I must surpress it. I do not want to see him further ostracised by his classmates. But... then... what should I do?
Will he read this? What will he say? Will he avoid me or what?
But if Mr. P reads this all I wanna say is this: actually, I'd wanted to say this to him for a very long time... but I dared not. How cowardly of me...
"I may not know what role I play in your life, nor do I have the right to play an important role, because I don't have the ability to do so. Like a mother whose son goes out to war, she can only weep silently, hoping her son will be safe, hoping he'll emerge victorious. But one thing I know for sure is this. I've developed such feelings for you, but yet I cannot express them for fear of being more of a hindrance than a help. But I want you to succeed. Your dream is so close to mine. It is a dream linked to the true dream that I'd wanted to achieve a long time ago, a dream that I cannot fulfil because of my gender and my upbringing... and my self. So it is like I'm counting on you to do great things which I can't. I want to see you rise among the others, I want to see you embrace the ambitions that you have set for yourself. And most importantly, i want to see you smile. I want to see a true smile. A true smile of happiness. I have been living a life in the darkness for so long, and have yet to smile a true smile. But you still can. Have you?"
Complicated emotion... Dreamy eyed... Drowning in the sea of affection... I do not expect you to reciprocate my feelings for you, but the best thing you can give me is simple.
A smile.
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 5:23:00 PM
