Cheeryl Tan (a.k.a. JoBiChI~sAn ^^)
Currently 16. And VERY screwed up.
Libra
October 17th xD
Year of the Goat
Blood type B+ (tasty, because blood all around is...)
(Did I mention that I play with blood?)
Super-sensitive to the sun (vampire mah~)(never want to see the sun again...)
Die hard anime and manga fan! And dying for it...
Future Manga Artist.. I'll tell my stories to the world!
Obsession with... MUSHROOMS... <3
Choir!
Love science... All branches of it... But....
Love to sing
Love writing poems n songs
Love to draw
Loves the power of 'cheaminology' >_< Love writing LoOoOoOoOonnnggggg compos...
Love... A beautiful reality! <3
Where is the love?
Morbid and emo-ing... Again.
Wonders about Life
Counsellor! But can't even help myself...
Dreams of making own universes... While attempting to withdraw into my own...
Contorted in millions of philosophies
Japanese bands ROCK!

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NOW PLAYING:
Just click on it. It won't kill you.

January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008

CHINESE O LEVELS AARRREEEE SOOOOOO OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Whoo~

*cough*



mataku ne...



Gotta plan timetable for hols. Havent done a thing yet. Maybe biology first 'coz I like it.. Then Some maths. No. Alot of maths.

Die.

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

Oh. Really. Like as if I were so magnamious.

Never mind.

Lately my world's stopped spinning. There's no drive now, after the exams. Feeling pretty out of place and not wanting to do a single thing... Some gravitational force is lacking. Either that, or that tiny sphere I call my imagination hasn't been working much =(

Not really.

Weird dreams...

Dreamt of being in some alternate reality. There were alot of lifts. Plenty. Then I asked myself: Which do I take? Which will bring me to my destination? But I didn't know where I wanted to go. Then scenes of old Singapore (I think. Looks like it...) flashed past. Another one was being late for the O level exam >_< with Xiin and we went down tis weird staircase... And I was totally frozen up there when we were, uh, late?

Then last night's.
A particular someone appeared in it. To think we haven't even spoken to each other face to face in a million years, but we did. In the dream, of course. And I was enjoying it... haha!
Then some villians came by and tried to disturb the peace. The fun part was my fingers could spout fire at will, and somehow anything which came into my contact could be used as a phone... How weird? Then some scenes in a funny race, and a mention of penguins (..???) and... bother.

Oh if only it were real. I'd set the whole world on fire and burn everything in sight. Everything I so love and hate. EVERYTHING.

Bother. Is this the feeling so welled up within me? I don't know. When can I find my answer? When will he reply? Or will he ever?

Hei sho~!

Report book, check. Poem, check. Grieving for the school, check...

Chinese GCE O level papers... MONDAY 28 MAY!!!

Gawd.
I am so not prepared...
Gibberish.
I don't feel prepared...

My chinese teacher said I showed a big improvement... So happy! My efforts have paid off after all. I really put my heart and soul into my work. I did. Though a few comprehensions skipped here and there (sorry mdm shi xu~) 'cuz of some unprecedented outbursts of emotion... But I could understand better. The even greater fact was that I actually REVELED in it all! Chinese has become more a part of my life than ever and I don't hate it one bit!

Teachers are important in influencing whether you like a subject or all, I guess...

I used to have a horrid chinese teacher in pri 4, who totally killed my passion for the language. She was bad. Real bad. In the looks department as well as the way she carries herself. Hell. To think that was the year I paid my price as well...

Then secondary school. A teacher looking like the horrid one in primary school. But she wasnt as bad as I thought, in fact a lot nicer. Sec 3: Mrs Lee~! Ohmigosh I love her! She's the one who helped me get back on track~ My chinese did improve and slowly I regained interest in it. Now with Mdm shi things are alot better. My chinese has improved alot over the years and I even got a B3 in the recent SA1s... Would love to thank my secondary school MT teachers who made the difference =)

Hey, big improvement from F9 okay!

Haha. Now to main topic.
Oh. What main topic?
Don't know.

Have you ever wanted to say so much to someone, yet lose your voice the minute you see that person? And the words just circle your mind like mad speeding motorcycles... Wheels laced with spikes and oil, engines spurting fire and smoke...

O well. I should not let romance stand in my way. If it hurts, it should begone. But its not hurting in a bad way. Like a toothache xD

Choir.


Graduation was yesterday as all choir members should know...(Ya gt some FELLOW pon lo... someone ah...) Cute skit by group one (of course... gt..) The song item with Ezra going solo was cool. Guys jiayou! No need to blush xD Exchange of gifts was nice... I think. Ms Seah was so nice~ she gave me and Melissa bangles xD beady beady... shiny... kawaii~! The new ex-co gave us sweets and chocolates... I exchanged gifts with Shaun. So sweet of him to give me those sketch books (And thank you Shaun for visiting my blog... ahh~ readership!) Feel very dumb though giving him such a lousy gift... T-T



Choir.
What is it to me?

I've asked myself this question for a very long time now. What is it to me? Why does it seem to take a very important place in my heart? If I have one in the first place...

Choir. Since sec 1, when I first stepped into this school, I had set my eyes on it. I didn't care whether the choir had a bad reputation or a good one. I just knew, I wanted in. The UGs did not much entice me and I braved on... It may sound embarrassing but you can ask my friends from lower sec... I'd wanted to join basketball =X but at that time there were only guys... so I didn't join. They reccomended netball but I decided not to join... (doesn't make much diff my 'ball' skills are SO bad up til now... exponential downhill T_T)

And so, here I am.

Nearly 4 whole years of choir.
What have I learnt?
I don't know xD



But there's something I'm sure of.



I learnt how to smile.



Yes.



Choir was the one place I could truly, maybe not entirely, but at the very least let me release my child's side. I'm totally sick of being seen as a serious person (though I am la xP) and I don't like the image I portray in my class! In choir, I can be alive. I can scream. I can shout. I can laugh, and even if I cry, I dare to. But come to think of it, none of my classmates from sec1-4 have seen me cry... Only our dear BBSS choir have seen (even so, only a few)



Choir.



I wish I didn't have to graduate... I don't know how many of you guys out there want me to (lol) But the thing is... I WANT CHOIR!!! I want to sing, I want to express, I want to be alive! I want to be with all of you! From Belinda and my jiejie, to yinglin, joy and sheryl and hui min... And the current sec 3s... even though we're not so close... The sec 2 batch now, all so kawaii xD And I want to know the sec 1 batch too!



OHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE HORROR!!!!!



And I'll miss... oh never mind.



I wonder. What will the next half a year be like? Will I never ever get to talk to my buds again?



ITS HORROR!!!



The only sanctuary I had is now taken away from me... not forcefully, not entirely. Just that... My parents already totally against it from the beginning... And I can't perform in the July concert.... O's. Sickening O's. How I wish I could just KILL MYSELF and throw everything away... throw my books and burn my notes..

I want choir. Sob.

Stupid blogger.. now my text here bigger den usual. Nvm. I still wanna blog.
Was talking with my cousin over msn.. Miss them lots.. Miss them badly. I wanna end school soon. I wanna go to Malaysia n meet them...

Then I talked to her about... me.

I really ought to slam myself against a metal crate... BBBOOOONNNGGGG!!! *bleeding ensues* WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!

I darent mention the guy's name here for fear he reads my blog (although I want him to)... And gets totally pissed... I hope no one who partially knows the situation reads this, cuz it'll lead to alot of turmoil which likely will do more harm than good. For those who know I beseech you to SHUT UR GAPS.

It's like this: umm... this is difficult. Let's call this guy... ummm. Ummm... Call him 'Mr. P' then. (its gt nth 2 do wif his name no nid 2 guess u ppl)

Mr. P is younger than me.

*cold wind blows*

Yes.

*cold gale blows*

I'm not joking.

*blizzard*

RIGHT. At first, I'd thought it was just a sort of 'hao gan' cuz when I first met him, I was still having a giant crush on my classmate (who's been my classmate from sec 1 til now!)... and Mr. P resembled him in some ways... So the natural thing (for me) to do was to bully him. No I'm serious. Really TEKAN him. I don't understand it but for so long now... if I set my eyes on a guy, whether romantically or not, he'd probably end up pretty bruised from my poking and prodding (and whacking at times) And.. He became a victim of cuz (nvm abt tt... alotta prev guys oso kena me b4. let's see... tt classmate of mine, my ex, the wilted sunflower xD hmm... who else arh...)

Ok. Nevermind the prodding. As time went by (actually less than a few months) I swiftly got to my senses and whacked myself in the back: HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I LIKE A YOUNGER GUY?!?!?!!! Ok. It was practically against what I was looking for. So maybe, just MAYBE, I had to occupy myself with substitutes... (studying, drawing, etcetc.. bullying other ppl) I'd weighed the pros and cons. Nothing wrong with him being younger... but:

1: He was in love with another gal whose personality is totally the opposite of mine
2: I thought he looked ugly xD (at that time)
3: He seemed childish
4: I'd die if my friends knew I'm hitting on a younger guy
5: I thought my dream would be hindered if I were to indulge in such romantic pursuits

So there you go. I totally wiped the notion off my mind. But I still talked to him etcetc but not alot I guess. I DID tell him I'd had a crush on him before but gave up after weighing the pros and cons (lol? Am I being too frank?) But I think that probably scared the wits out of him. He went like "HHHHHAAAAARRRRRR????!?!!?!" (smth liddat)

So there. I treated him as a good friend after that. He's one of the few people whom I can actually treat as an equal. Why? He seems to be around the same level of maturity as I am. I was honestly impressed with that and of course that piqued me to want to know him better... etcetcetc... And his dream. His dream is an embodiment of my ultimate will. Well, at least most of it is. His dream is a subset of mine (lol) So that drew me further in.

Then there was a point I wanted to ask him if he'd like me to be his godsis or smth. LAME! I really couldn't pinpoint my purpose but... I knew I wanted to help him. Everytime I manage to see him (c arh sr n jr hardly c ea other de ma), I always catch that glimpse of sadness in his eyes. Wonder if I read it wrong, but... They looked sad. Then I heard of his troubles in school. I wanted to help him in some way.. but how? So that tactic arose... But in the end, I never opened my yap. Didn't dare to. Didn't want to invite gossip. I'm sure if I did that his friends would tease him to no end and that would affect his already bad state...

And then, he still liked that girl. No, I'm nt jealous or smth. Felt sad because he was sad. I don't know why either.

All along, I'd thought I just wanted to be some sort of a 'sempaii' figure to him... hoping to be able to give him advice when he needs it, hoping that I can see him attain his dream.. and be happy for him. But it looks like it isnt so simple...

Then recently I KEPT reading physics stuff... reading and reading.. Honestly, I did have an interest in it (been reading encyclopedias since I was 4yrs old!) Then I kept asking him what dis meant n what that meant... But cuz he could not(or probably didnt want) to reply. I can only really chat with him on Msn. How foolish of me...

*sigh*

72hrs of dreaminess... Is is the effect of numbing all my feelings for so long, and suddenly... letting them rush all out again? Is this the exaggeration of my mind? Are those feelings real?

I don't know. His eyes, his smile, his postures and gestures... his dream, his talents... all allure me... (if Mr. P has read to this point, he'd probably barf. Then again, if you'd read til here I bet you're barfing)

But there's one thing I know for sure. Whether its the longing for love, or the longing to be a sort of mother figure to someone, I really want to see him achieve his dream. I don't know how I can help him, and I've been so useless all this while. Useless to everyone. Class, Choir, Friends, My 'nakama'.. I've been a useless b****. Why would he even like me... as in romantically at all... in the first place? What am I trying to get from this? What do I want? I don't even know what place do I stand in his world... What makes me think that I can even be someone who can motivate him or support him?

Perhaps... It is love. Is it? No. Even if it is I must surpress it. I do not want to see him further ostracised by his classmates. But... then... what should I do?

Will he read this? What will he say? Will he avoid me or what?

But if Mr. P reads this all I wanna say is this: actually, I'd wanted to say this to him for a very long time... but I dared not. How cowardly of me...

"I may not know what role I play in your life, nor do I have the right to play an important role, because I don't have the ability to do so. Like a mother whose son goes out to war, she can only weep silently, hoping her son will be safe, hoping he'll emerge victorious. But one thing I know for sure is this. I've developed such feelings for you, but yet I cannot express them for fear of being more of a hindrance than a help. But I want you to succeed. Your dream is so close to mine. It is a dream linked to the true dream that I'd wanted to achieve a long time ago, a dream that I cannot fulfil because of my gender and my upbringing... and my self. So it is like I'm counting on you to do great things which I can't. I want to see you rise among the others, I want to see you embrace the ambitions that you have set for yourself. And most importantly, i want to see you smile. I want to see a true smile. A true smile of happiness. I have been living a life in the darkness for so long, and have yet to smile a true smile. But you still can. Have you?"

Complicated emotion... Dreamy eyed... Drowning in the sea of affection... I do not expect you to reciprocate my feelings for you, but the best thing you can give me is simple.

A smile.

Kimi wa nani ni naru tumori ka?
What are you going to be?

This phrase I've picked out from the japanese verbs book got me thinking: How many people actually know what they want to be?
I'm sure I know, somehow... but I'm having great difficulties trying to stick to it...

STRESS!!!

Biology p1 n p2 tml... aaaaahhhh!!!!! I'm cramming like ther's no tomorrow... And to think, it's just the sa1's... And there's so much more to do... I'm overloading!

Tasukete kure!!!
For those who know jap go find out what it means by yourself..

Been feeling so empty recently... why? I feel so lost. More than half my life has been totally forgotten. Vanished. Disappeared. Frozen in a shaft, with storms blazing round it... I feel so cold, so unprotected...

So lost.

It doesn't matter. I'd made the ultimate sacrifice to pursue what I'm doing. The ultimate mistake I'd made had wiped out a part of me. But it's not a problem. I'm still alive. I still talk. It's just that my childhood's missing, that's all. Nothing wrong.

My 'kioku'... so many bad ones... good ones... all gone...

It seems so lonely all of a sudden... Yet I've found my 'tomodati' all over again...

Met my old primary school classmate today. Me, xiin and shyam... We were at the jurong library, chatting with all our mights and laughing heartily at our past, of my funny mistakes... And then they mentioned the time I was pushed down an entire flight of stairs by this gal... Eh, pri 3 only lor, wonder why she hated me so much.. The worse thing is I don't remember anything...

Why?
Why?
Why???
It's been like self-induced amnesia... I dun wanna remember...

So many memories... so painful, agonising... So foggy and damp... Don't want them...

But why are the happy things thrown out as well?

Create your own Friend Test here

Game for it?

Imagine... A whole row of falling butterflies... stringed across the sky, in all different hues. Red, violet, green, blue... Stranded across the sky... floating, but yet lifeless...

That's my life now.

Weird description? Yup.

Feel so STRESSSEEDDDD AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Can someone gimme an ice pack? I need one.

Went to WM to meet my old pal. He's still short as ever. And silly. And always acting dumb. His friends were entertaining xD We all kept making fun of him. And I can't believe how dumb he is at Physics. Goodness. Even I could do a million times better. Forget formula, dunno definition... Alamak. O levels this year and he's still fumbling. Lol it's his life so I guess I can't do anything.

Why butterflies?

A butterfly. So beautiful and yet fleeting. Its lifespan is but a tiny sliver in our lives. Its existence mainly to reproduce, to maintain its kind. Okay... I'm not saying I'm beautiful! (which I am NOT in the first place!) But... These creatures are the representation of how short and precious life is. It comes and goes... And yet, I find there are people who still don't understand it. Especially the very two persons who brought me up. Apparently they are in denial of the thing called 'free will'...

Just saw a picture of Anemone (Eureka 7). And I relate quite alot with her.

We're both lost.

But she found her way out of her delusion. I'm still lost.

Anyone got a compass??? (refer to prev blog entry in myspace... long time ago le)

So I shall continue to fall. It doesn't matter if I can't see what I wanted to see in this lifetime. I want to life it to the fullest, and perish with a smile on my face...

One wonders how long I'll live...

Never mind. No one cares anyway. Even if there were, they don't care enough or I can't feel it. Gotta get back to work!