I feel so... dirt-ridden...It's weird how one accumulates so much rubbish in the mind, and so many precious bits of information. But what do you get? A brain full of crap. Yeah so that's how I feel now.I feel full of disgusting crap. Memories and memories of my past circle round my head like flies attracted to dung... They whirl round me... My true path. Where is it now? What am I doing? Who am I to have such dreams? Why do I have such dreams? Why must I have such dreams? Why do I want to fulfil them? Do I have to power to fulfil such dreams?Like the 1st paragraph of my compo 'Flight', "Even when the prayers of the heartbroken are bathed in tears... When are the actually answered?" I found it kind of pathetic... The compo I meant. Only got 20/30 for it. Just one more mark! Mr. Samuie could've been more critical actually. Then I would move forward further.But will I ever reach the throes of those english powerhouses in my class? He believes I can get my target, but I have doubts. Do I really have such ability? Or was he just being sarcastic. But I am thankful that someone believes in me. That is more than enough. even if they were just lies, those lies sound good. and I don't care if they are lies. So Long as it can become my driving force it doesn't matter where those praises are coming from... I will strive!I really really doubt I can be true to myself. Day in day out, I look at my masks once more. I try to make sense of my self, my world, other's opinions, and of course, my mind and soul. Apparently, conditons were already not right for me to do what I want to do. But forcing it just made things worse. They called me a lunatic. They said I wanted to play 'Jesus'. But I'm no Christian or Catholic. But... truly somewhere in my heart, I want to fulfil this dream. Leave my mark on this earth in this world...
Oh. Maybe I was just being too naive. How can me, tiny little me, expect to make a change anywhere at all? Pathetic little me. Devoid of any leadership qualities. Not even daring to speak up when things seem wrong. I can't even do a darn thing for my class. Is this me? Is this how thinga are meant to be?
Bleh.
I proudly proclaimed for the 1st time in my life on Sports Day '07 my true dream. Perhaps no one took notice, but never mind. I never, NEVER dared to reveal it to anyone. Up to date that is. But since no one took note, no harm done, right?
Until now, not anyone I know knows it. Perhaps the more perceptive ones have already guessed why I'm going the manga way. Anyone guessed yet? No. Okay. Fine. But it doesn't matter. I don't wanna face the same humiliation from people close to me. Therefore I will keep my true dream a secret. Besides, the conditions I require for it to happen is preposterous. I'd have to alter my self. And anyway, having the desire to be of such has already done things to my body. Now, I no longer know exactly where's my place. I don't fit among the girls and their giggly cliques. Neither do I fit with the group of humans called the opposite sex. So what the heck can a poor weirdo like me do?
Draw.
Guess there's not much I can do. I will just silently draw, silently... silently... Until I attain what my will has taught me to do... then my job on this earth is done. And I can leave, with no regrets.
But... Am I up to it?
My WoRlD rEvOlVeS rOuNd and RoUnD mY LiFe sTorY... My DreAmS and HoPeS, mY reNeWeD sTreNgtH... And My NEW LoVe!
Jobichi~san whacked you at 6:29:00 PM
