Lost souL

Decision

2008-06-13T21:16:00.005+08:00

No, I'm not gonna post about those three guys. The first would claim his 'savage handsomeness' to the world. The second would go '...' and the third, who's currently still pissed with me I think, would think of nought.

Going to Japan has cleared my head. By a lot. For starters, I managed to find myself again (FOOD! XD). The person whom I was, the person who I am now, have now met. Yet to become one, but slowly both will find their way...

Why have I been acting the way I did? I guess there is no point regretting. Why him? Why the similarities? Why did my mind gravitate in that direction? Why did it make such an association? Why do I only realise it now? And...

It is too late anyway.

Maybe it's for the better, that we don't talk to each other anymore. That way, I can stop being the bitch I am when I'm around you. Although... That means I won't be able to repay the kindness you have shown me. I guess I never will, because I'll never know how. If there is some part of me which still influences the world in ways not even I can being to comprehend... I hope you will find a kindness much greater than the one you have shown me, something which will change your life for the better... Unlike what I have did. The feelings I have... are so much like the ones I have for someone so close to me... It's stifling. The attitude I have towards you and his are nothing short of identical. Maybe, it's better this way. I won't be so confused anymore, I won't be so afraid anymore.

Oh well.

Maybe one day when I've understood those feelings, I'll look for you again. And apologise in a proper way. But the damage's already been done, no?

Maybe it's just time for the wind to blow again, to forget the scars it left behind.

MANGA TIEM~ XD

Japan!

2008-05-31T16:49:00.002+08:00

I'm going off to Japan. Tonight. YAY!
And I finished my assignment before my muse left me. 5-7am sleep and yet still alive til 8pm. WHOOHOO! Am counting on my boiboi to submit it for me. Wuve my kawaii squishy porinu-chan X3

Watch out for a blog post about the three men/boys/idiots/squishies who made a difference in my life. I've been putting it off for so long I decided I will put it here soon XD

Ja mata, minna! Gonna miss a lot of people... A lot...

Rest

2008-05-27T23:39:00.002+08:00

It's time to shut up and do work.

I really should stop being the bitch I am, stop worrying about other people's opinions... Not like anyone cares that much anyway. Work has to be done. I really should stop hurling the people around me in my emotional whirlwind. Especially my family, and some of my closest friends... Maybe I lost one. But does it matter?

Like the wind, I shall go... Few can catch up with me. Especially when I'm now a storm...

Tired

2008-05-25T01:41:00.004+08:00

I want to sleep.

But I dare not.

There's so much to be done,

Yet I find no courage to do it...

Like Alere, I have lost track of time. The rivers of time, I see it. I see my reflection... But the rest is but a blur. I can't see it anymore. I do nothing but look away...

" Where in my fragile body am I supposed to put the strength to stand?"

I no longer have that energy to continue walking. The future seems even further than before... I don't see it anymore. I don't see how my existence serves any purpose anymore. I cannot see me. When I look into the mirror, I see a stranger. When I talk to others, I can't find myself.

Who am I?

Is this another change? Another huge revolution in my life? What will happen? How many people will I hurt this time? Who will they be? What actions I have taken... I do not understand them. Even I, do not know my motives anymore. Not anymore...

I'm scared.

Shop for photos

2008-05-23T16:25:00.010+08:00

I REVIVE THY DEAD BLOG YATTA~~~~~~~~~~~~

Photoshop.

Man.

My shoulders and back ache. Badly.

The first term of poly life is coming to an end... I have a pretty cool class, with its fair amount of cool people. Not enough... chio bu... though... XD Met some old friends, saw some familiar faces...

Now sitting in school, staring at my laptop. And I just realised, this is my first post on my lappy! Hurray~

Trying to develop a treatment for my script for a module called 'Storytelling and Story Boarding'. A treatment is like a written version of the script (LOL) in such a way you describe everything, instead of doing it in script format. And it has to be presentable to your prospective clients. In this case, my lecturer... I wanted to do a story on a girl I created during one of the lessons. But I couldn't find a good way to portray her loneliness... She's obsessed with blood (like me!) and she kills and kills... But she actually kills criminals.

Anyway...

The new story I'm working on... is even lamer. I had been toying with it ever since me and my sister role-played with it (yes, we both do ALOT of spoken role-play... I'm not sure what to call it, but... yeah.)

“99% of all aliens who come to Earth as tourists always land on one exact spot. It is the home of the Alien Escort.”

Would you read a story or watch an anime based on this sentence? XD

And even this story, I can't quite develop. Sigh.
So much has occurred (again) in the time I had not posted... Right now, I'm a tad trifled. It seems I'd courted my own death again... The nightmare will replay itself, like a broken reel... In a cinema only I can see... part of this came from Dirty, OP1 of Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro. But what the heck? I got described as a Neuro. And sadly it is pretty true... "Disregarding humans". I don't know to what extent now, but yes... It is there. Somehow. Those words he said stung. Hard. Even though it wasn't face to face... I felt like the nightmare was starting again. Those walls of ice... Slowly piling up, slowly rising... The only thing I know how to do.

"Being in love with two guys." My laopuo once said this to me XD And I think she's right. And I'm not being fair... to myself, even if not to both of them. One, I embrace with all my might. The other, I continue to confuse... Deluding myself, denying my own feelings... I guess I have no choice. To protect myself, the selfish person I am. The scarred one I was. Now, I no longer know what to say to that person. I fear the nightmare. I fear I might say the wrong things again, and history will repeat itself. I'm scared... ...

And I'm FREAKING TIRED. 4am-7.30am sleep is not enough for me. Thank heavens I slept more yesterday, or today would be impossible to last through. Japanese class 5.30-7.30pm.. Gotta get home discuss the script for the video shoot, make a cutesy fake microphone XD add the final touches to my collage, so that it can be printed soon... ...

How many hearts must I break, before mine totally shatters and disappears? I don't have many left. My mind, a mangled commodity. It's clearly reflected in my collage. And where do I find the courage to say 'sorry', and promise not to do it again? I don't know...

Work. Back to work.

Cluster 3 (updated)

2008-04-05T22:00:00.029+08:00

Hmmm....

Hmmmm.....

Hmmmmmm.......

Darn.

I have no idea HOW to start!

Music won't help my brains either.

Copying Mira. Sorry arhs XD
This post... is for Cluster 3 people... Because I feel really bad for not doing anything when everyone did =X So... if you are reading this... Scroll down and check it out.
But... somehow... I can't seem to write a thing....
Hahas... This is really unlike me. After all this while, blogging was never a hard thing to do. All those gripes and groans, even the weirdest crap I dare to post....

And now my mum scolds me for using the com.

Sigh...
Haha...
Hahaha.....

I really have lost it.

Is being honest with your own feelings so hard? When you have that stirring feeling in your heart... Is it so hard to express it? Why?
Oh well... I am an alien after all. But this alien is starting to become more human.... Sounds familiar, Neuro fans?
And so, here goes.

Errr... hmmm... Who should I start with? I'm sure I didn't talk to many people in class... And... later you guys can me or something... T-T

Yes and you should've ignored the crap I wrote above and scrolled down XD

WARNING: VERY WEIRD COMMENTS ABOUT YOU IN YOUR POST.
I shall start randomly:

"Yu Jia"
The first person I ever talked to in DPA. How did that happen??? I question myself. Maybe it's cuz that day, you were sitting alone like I was. But who cares? Your curiosity in shrimps made me all the more curious (after all, I keep guppies. They're aquatic life too!) And also, thanks for getting the brine shrimp eggs. I think you could've seen my eyes sparkle when I got them XD You remind me of who I was some time back... Er, maybe that's not very good =X I hope you'll find your way... in the next three years in SP! Stay in contact ok? Because I still wanna ask what happened to the shrimps XD

"Shi Yun"
In my group for IDEAS!
I never NEVER expected to find someone whom I knew in primary school to appear. And I thought I was going to die (from surprise and anxiety) when I saw you... But things turned out well. You still are a lot like when you were in primary school (no no its not a bad thing =X) and you still played pokemon, even lent me your DS... Although these might seem like little things here and there, you made my day sometimes, especially when I was down =P Thanks for your scary laughter, though it was embarrasing at times, it made me wanna laugh too. And that's hard for me =)

"Pei Wen"
Gyaaaaah your blue streak of hair~~~~
I am jealous!!! Unfaaaaiirrr~~~ XD
When I first saw you at the enrolment for PPP, I thought you were gonna be one of the bimbo-ish people... don't kill me!!! And your opening was very unexpected (to me). You were so much more tomboyish than I expected! I nearly got a heart attack XD You're really fun to be with, so high and so hyperactive, and I admit... Your 'high-ness' is really contagious... I ought to learn from you XD Stay cool, gal! Your drawing's good too =3

"Mira"
Technically you should've been first, I realise. After all I copied your idea =XXX
Dango~!
You're a really cute girl... with a unique dressing style... Which I'll never be able to copy >_< if I were a guy I'd probably woo you or something... But I'm not, and you already have a guy XD You and the moberly gang are really fun people, but I don't seem to be on the same wavelength with you guys... Maybe it's just me =X Thanks lots for saying my drawings were nice... I will make sure to show you the completed 'Stickman' when I'm done! Of course, it'll only be book 1 XD stay cute hor! XD DDM~ we can exchange pointers!

"Syikin"
For some reason, I can never seem to spell your name right. SORRY~~~~
Manga isn't easy to draw, I hope you know that. So don't worry if you can't =) I believe that applies to everyone else too! Saw you at the interview, saw you in the same cluster... There must be a great amount of affinity at play to make you, me, and Siti end up in such weird circumstances.. Ok I shall stop rattling XD you and siti make a very fun pair, along with pei wen XD it's really fun just watching you guys playing around (especially with the soft toys XD) If we're in the same class, whee~! If not, it's ok. We can still exchange pointers with each other right? DDM! =3

"Siti"
I can't do html like you doooo~~~~
Unfair!!! XD
From the interview til now. Isn't it fun? I didn't realise it til you told me XD I wasn't expecting to see you. And funny how you helped me out back then (IP stands for... huh? I still don't know!!! =X) And I still haven't thanked you properly! You're fun to be with, the soft toys (lol) and your laughter is equally contagious (along with pei wen's 'high-ness' XD) Don't know if we'll be in the same class, but I do hope so. Then you can teach me all that you know... muahahahaha!!! But more importantly, I want to be around your laughter! Whee~

"Jolene"
Musically inclined. You win. XD
As a fellow lover of music, you already won me over when you said you were in choir. And a student conductor too (am I right? =X) I was just a sectional leader (pretty sad too) You're one of the more 'normal' girls in C3 (along with pei ying and evelyn)... It's pretty scary if everyone was hyperactive, and as much as I don't look like it, I get tired of hyperactive-ness XD you have a very sweet laugh. Really! I really look up to you. A little like an older sister/mother figure of sorts, which is rare for me (because I'm usually the sister/mother figure in my own circle of friends!) You go gal!

"Pei Ying"
*_* your calligraphy... So neat... So nice... Nooo.... XD
I was VERY tempted to write yours and Evelyn's together... you two are always together! Cousins so close.... I feel envious coz mine are all in malaysia XD I like the way you dress and speak and stuff... It really suits your image =) I don't know about the other guys but you'd definitely be in my list of 'kawaii'!!! XD Stay sweet~

"Evelyn"
Your photoshop work was... unholy. XD
It was really good and not something I could do. You MUST teach me, o great one! You have a cute laugh, and not to mention a nice voice... if you sing one day for some competition I'll be there XD Like Pei Ying, I believe small voices can grow big... And one day, be even better than all the crazy hyperactive people... (no, I'm not shooting down the hyperactive people! XD) Stay sweet~ =3

"Qiong Hui"
Yes I will show you my completed comic!!! Lol emo main character XD
You seem like a loner to me. Or am I wrong? Maybe it's cuz I'm also a loner, I felt drawn to you. And I think at this point you'll probably go like 'nooooooooooooooo...??!!!' XD Honestly, I don't know you very well... But... I have curly wavy whateveryoucallit hair, and you seem to have it too. But you wear it pretty well (unlike mine, tie oso weird, never tie look like lion XD) If you do find a way to wear it better, or a good way of cutting it, do tell me... And so, we BETTER keep in contact. =3

"Wesley"
Short guy. I pat your head! XD
I agree with Mira that you always say 'sweet god'. And 'holy christ', and how things are 'unholy' and the way you say hello every morning with the person's name and the way you wave, and that smile...
You're one of the first guys who approached me (without me approaching you. Remember ESS?) And honestly? I WAS SHOCKED OUT OF MY WITS. For starters, your character was totally different from what I expected (and most people in cluster 3 was like that) I have too much to write about you, so if you want to know more about my real opinions of you, you'll have to beat me up and force a confession from me... =P and sorry for poking you with my loooong fingernails... and forcing you to finish your food when you dont. XD
Let's just leave it as...... You're kawaii~! X3 stay that way, alright? Whee....

"Eldwin"
Fun guyyyy~~~
So tall!!! Taller than my daddy!
Only recently I've been chatting with you... And I find out you're a really cool guy. Nail polish, LOLITA... and alot of other things... You are almost the total opposite of me XD The hell, you're even more girly than me! LOL. And thanks for the little little things, like recently... accompanying me to grab lunch at mac's yesterday =X and also listening to my problems... You seem really mature to me *_* if I could have an older brother I'd want him to be like you! Without the blurness though. Funny how you can never remember Meijing's name XD Stay cool!

"Param"
CAMERAMAN. LOL. And Mr. DPA!
Thanks to you I've been using lol alot now lol lol lol XD
You seemed like the very quiet sort. I think I got it all wrong.... You're interesting to talk to, and thanks for helping me out with my sister's project (though in the end she did something else XD) After all, I'm the tech idiot, you're the tech pro. In video making XD your video for that competition was real cool. Hope to see your stuff on the big screen sometime, if you're aiming for that lol =)

"Mei Jing"
You always seem to be blur. *cold wind blows*
No no, it's not a bad thing... XD
You are amazingly blur... and yet somehow you manage to get the things and information we all don't get in groupwork... for that, I REALLY have to hand it to you @_@ IDEAS and MR groupwork was both fun and painful when you and alvin couldn't stop being random and sidetracking... Lol. XD Your animal drawing is cool. I can do animal drawing too, but it's nowhere as good as yours =X Hope you'll be able to improve further like you did for L2L... I'm sure you can! And.. eat more girl! XD

"Alvin"
Supreme randomness. I think. XD
You are funny. I think that sums most things up XD
Thanks for letting me and the rest go to your place to do the IDEAS projects... I think I was a bit too hard on you and mei jing back then =X sorry for being so serious! I like the fact you're so open about liking... er... what's her name?? That girl from Condor Heroes?? And better still, I like her too!!! It must seem weird for a girl to go crazy over another girl, but OH WELL. She's cute ma! You agree right? XD Perhaps one day you'll find the chio bu you always wanted... and you can pole dance with her too =P

"Hong Ming"
Hmmm...
Hmmm...
LOL.
You remind me of my sec sch classmate... He's EXTREMELY LIKE YOU. Maybe that's why I didn't talk to you much and nearly avoided you (bad memories >_<) But after the ESS I found that you were alot better than that old classmate. Til you started teasing people in class =X Especially the stuff you said about meeting boyfriend etcetc... and that time in the library when you traumatised wesley... XD Hahas. I think you both will get along very well! But anyway... Stay that way =)

"Ashraf"
I also can never seem to spell your name correctly. SORRY!!!
During ESS you seemed not so confident of your own abilities... It was really funny being assigned to a group with all guys other than me XD remember the making babies thing? Just sit back, smile, and speak as you would. No one's gonna shoot you down... Hahas. Gambatte (keep it up) ok? And your drawing's really neat and straight, not like mine, all sketchy XD Go go go in interior design!

"Jie Ping"
Mr. Chio Bu!
Also in my group during ESS. And science mad no? Harry potter cloak XD Did I monopolise the group during ESS, I wonder? Hope I didn't =X Other than those times, I didn't talk to you much (as well as Ashraf and Daren) But it was fun talking to you guys. Only thing that made the lesson worthwhile ba =P Not to mention you've got a bright smile =) hope you find your chio bu with it XD

"Daren"
Mr. DPA!
I saw that you were so painfully... hmm... de-attached from the class? At the start... I trrrried to make you join in the class. Failed. Moberly gang bagged you! XD You're also in DDM right? 3D animation next time Don't remember much... But I know we didn't talk much to each other either =X The silent killer. When you speak, you are scary @_@ because you know what you're doing (unlike me XD). Now, all you need to do is be less shy... Gogogo~ XD

"Fairul"
Now, for the EVEN more random guy. XD
Also didn't really talk to you much (Yes, I'm anti social!!!) But you are really funny. Really! In a good way! I remember something about the saving energy if you take lift than taking the stairs... Or something like that. Very, very random. And I didn't get it =X And your funny quips in class really made me laugh (I can NEVER do that). Stay random. LOL. XD

"Eugene"
Sorry for making you last. The order was random laaa~!
Don't think you even care do you? Lol. You reminded me of a sec school friend... But you were nearly entirely different (except the aloofness. You seemed like that!) The rubiks guy!!! Who sparked off a rubiks craze in Cluster 3. (Meijing went to do rubiks instead of her learning goal. Now, that was FUNNY. XD) I was very, VERY tempted to try rubiks too but.. being the pathetic person I am... Can't even understand a thing when you explained... So I decided against it. Coz you were too pro!!! And funny how Qiong Hui calls you 'mouse' XD Fellow D. gray-man fan, please enlighten me! Cheers~

And so ends my post.
I think most of you guys will complain about what I write... But OH WELL. If you've read, do drop me a tag =)
Cheers! I'm gonna... Can't believe I'm saying this... But... I'm gonna gonna REALLY REALLY miss you guys... All of you!!! T-T sigh...

Emo over

2008-03-29T23:48:00.004+08:00

Well...

To those who even read my old post? Congratulations.
To those who didn't, don't.

I'm outta here~~~

I think.

SP! PPP! Over!!! Finally! Sigh.

The past few months have been trying times... I questioned myself again. Lots of questions, lots unanswered. New ones, old ones, puzzling ones, painful ones... It's the maze. All over again, but a new one. Unlike the old maze.. I know the way. But the question is... Which way do I choose?

The path that I chose to walk so long ago... I have doubts. Very big doubts. But there's no way I can turn back now... I chose to ignore my true calling. It is only now that I realise this was wrong. But what can I do now? As my will to move on wavers, the steps I take become every so heavy. What should I do now?

Stupid, stupid me...

At the very least... Through the past few months, I met many people, learnt many things, built new relationships, strengthened old ones... However hard it will be, at least I have those. The people around me... without them, I doubt I could have gone so far. Even if the path I now walk is the wrong one... At least......

At least, I'm more honest with myself now.

But... Can I still move on?

End of post! XD

Breaking down

2008-03-13T12:10:00.015+08:00

Turn 'Help' into 'Hell'.

Since I'm a sucker and I gave up writing on my blog, I shall now post excerpts from my own old posts to reflect my changing mood....

"To think that just some time ago, I'd been a wanderer of the shadows... then the doors to enlightenment came to me, unexpectedly... But still, regardless of the knowledge of hope, I was trapped in my shadows.. the memories that so tormented me, the actions I should have never done. Then a decision to make amends.. And yet, as if Heaven was smiling down on me, I had been given a new strength, and with it I can walk the distance... Hand in hand, we will walk the journey called life..."

From the post called "Naivety"

"Why does everything fail to raise my downtrodden spirit? Is it just because I'm so tired that I've got no energy left to scream for joy, or is it because there doesn't seem to be anything to be happy about anymore? The world spins as always, a dying world's fate in sight... Perhaps the earth's plight mirrors my emotion.. The skies send showers down as torrents flood my own heart. My room darkens as my mood pales away.. The news show nothing but sad tales (at least, whatever news I ever read or hear)..

Each step I take, brings me closer and closer to the end. Where do we go after the end? It just stops, doesn't it? And we can never see, touch, hear, taste or feel the world again. It just ends. Maybe for those in different religions, things are different. But after all, when we die the elements within us just cease to work their mysterious energies which bring about life. We're just a bunch of elements, controlled by a bunch of elements and the world's environment, which is still a bunch of elements. How pathetic life seems."

From the post labeled "Dreams are Weird"

"Love? Bah. Youngmin is partially right. It does exist, but how long does it last? How will you know if it's really love? What can it do to a person? How can it benefit us? How will you know if the other person loves you the same way? How'd you know if it isnt lust?

Besides... I don't need no love (as in heterosexual type?) You dont need it to survive. I will go all out to fulfil my ambitions and goals. If love will impede me, it has to be relinquished. It has to go. Love? Who needs it.

Haiz... Me the incredible "love expert" (emphasis on the inverted commas) is stumped by her own problem. Somehow, when one can solve others' problems, when it occurs to you yourself or someone close 2 you (like family), you'll be stupefied. Yeah."

A very old post labeled "A faint longing"

I wish I knew how to put my post titles on my blog. Apparently the layout doesn't call for it...

Reading my previous posts, and feeling nostalgic... And realising that I haven't grown at all. I claim I did (in another post labeled "Grow") but ironically, I don't think I did. I am still me. I can relate to the 1st excerpt the best. A wanderer of the shadows... But I'd like to add this: A formless being torn between the past and the future... Lost in the everchanging world called humanity. That's why I listen to Doubt and Trust. I love the song, but not just for the beat. It's because it suits me perfectly.

No one ever believes me nowadays. Caught up in my work from SP, caught up in my own dream, entangled in my growing depression... It's back, with a vengeance. I've been replaying Doubt and Trust for the last 3 days... I have no idea why. Things just don't seem the way it is anymore. I burst into tears every so often, like I can't control them... What is happening to me? Why can't I handle anything anymore?

The past time I was not on this blog, a whole lot has happened. And it's killing me. Eating and drinking becomes a chore, swallowing them makes me want to vomit. Mealtimes become stressful. Sleeping becomes near impossible unless I'm very tired. I shiver in bed each night. I don't know if it's out of cold or fear, not anymore... My mind seems to have distorted itself from the sheer lack of sleep... I thought the O levels were over? Shouldn't it all be alright? Why am I still working and working?

No... its never all right... I chose to work and work and work. And my parents don't understand it either. I say I have no time to do anything, only my work. And they say I can't cope with my work, and thus don't allow me to sign up for japanese class (in SP, there's a module taken separately for japanese. the deadline's tomorrow.) and then, I say I'm stressed up and I need a break, and I want to go watch a movie with my boy... But then my mum says "you are thinking irrationally" or something to that extent, and tells me to call her when I think more rationally... I try again. But by then it is too late for me to go watch the movie. My mum calls and tells me its my fault for being the way I am. I chose to work the way I do now... And that she doesn't know what I want. I have nothing left to say. And I give up.

All that my mother said were true. But only one thing she forgot to mention:

I'm going insane.

Why am I stuck in between everything? Why haven't I reached breaking point, to the point I need to go to IMH? (or whatever they call it, I couldn't care less) Why haven't i gone back to normal? Why can't I do things the way I used to? I'm frustrated at myself. I don't even know what I am working for. I love my manga, love my dream, love my work... But at the same time, I loathe it. Because I'm so stressed... The deadlines and all are reasonable, really. But my parents stress me out. Claim that they're worried about me, and then deny it the next. What more can a confused teenager do?

No, no, no... it's all my fault. Nothing is anyone's fault anymore. It's my fault for being so stuck up, my fault for overestimating my abilities. My fault for not taking care of my own health, for wanting to work more, for wanting to push it further, for disturbing all the people around me, for breaking the heart of my beau....

It's all my fault...

And I still don't know why...

I can't lie to myself anymore. I really can't. I really can't go on. But my parents don't believe me. No one does. Everyone is laughing, everyone seems happy, and I don't know why. Is that truly depression? Even the friends who face the same assignments and work don't look half as screwed up as me. Why? Why can't I go on? Why the hell am I posting this anyway? No one will help me, will they? No one can... I have only myself to blame...

But...

Help.

Acchonburrike~~~

2007-11-15T20:29:00.001+08:00

あっちょんぶっりけ~~~~

ITS HOLIDAYS!!!!

But I don't feel in the least bit happy..
Haven't come to my blog for goodness knows how long... GAWD.
That's what the jap phrase above means >_< (look at the pic...)

ACCHONBURRIKE!!!

Holidays... woes... All come into place. Mum keeps asking me to find a job, says stuff about spoon feeding and reliance... Cmon man! All this while I've been studying! What crap do you expect me to do? I've signed up for DPA, and that's a fact I can't change now! I can only work for like, 1 and a 1/2 freaking months and which employer would want me? No way!!! Besides, my family still intends to go to Taiwan for holiday... LIKE WTH?!!?! And she still expects me to find a job? Tell me, which freakin employer would want an employee who works for such a short time! TELL ME!

Yes, I am mad.

Very, very mad...

Things aren't going well for me at all.. My guppies are having fin rot, my beloved Smoky's departed.... Maybe he'd be better off without an owner like me T-T MY pregnant guppies aren't giving birth, my four baby guppies aren't growing any bigger... AAAAHHHH~~~~

Sighh...

Well, there are good things. Graduation night was fun I guess, with everyone all dressed up... But I was superbly 'extra', because I was the only freaakinn person wearing an entirely gold outfit. Repeat, GOLD. If you took a birds' eye view of the hall, you'd spot my golden ass immediately..

So many troubles, so many things to do..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH~~~

Acchonburrike...

Maybe I should just rot at home....

Is it Love?

2007-10-20T14:35:00.000+08:00

I... Can't take it anymore.. Must blog... Must... RRRaaawWWwwwWw~~~~~~!!!!!

But after so long off the blogging scene (was I ever there?) I've really nothing much to write. Actually, too much, to the point I don't know where to start... Well, I'm sure my readers (as to how many I'm not sure) will appreciate anything I write. Anything.. Right? *silence*

Recently, I've been hooked to a song called 'Tori no Uta' for Air (an anime, of course =3) Very meaningful lyrics and an addictive tune. And I can sing it XD I can't say I have the singer's same standards, but I can pretty much hit the right tunes... Oh well! Too long have I not done vocal exercises and warming ups... I miss choir *sniffles*

Three days after my birthday... Well, it sure was a birthday to remember. For the first time in my whole sixteen years, I spent my birthday taking loads of MRT and buses with my beau o_O Went to Daiso, IMM to shop (only a pathetic pot actually.. kinda cute <3) Then we took off to Kino (coz' he wanted to get the Zero no Tsukaima novel) and ended up going in circles round the green and purple lines (frequent MRT takers will know what I mean..) Though tiring, it was enjoyable. Then theres.......

He's really very silly.

Till today, I still do not completely understand the forces at work that drew me to this little.. kawaii.. small... NEVERMIND. But I just seem to do so! The internal wars that raged seems to have stopped, a truce being drawn. But it all boils down to him. Why? The ideals that I had were completely cast aside without my knowledge. My mind, soul and body seemed to be acting independently, not under my control. Yet, there is an element of consciousness. I know what I am doing. I know what I want, and I am not having it, am I? But.. He really is all that I want now. Days and weeks go by, with my every thought and every bit of me enmeshed in our memories, the memories of him. Yet, I can put my heart and soul into my work, not missing a beat, almost thinking of nothing else. What is this? A case of split personalities, turning on and off at the appropriate times? Or is it something else?

Love isn't about being attracted to a person's looks (erm.. yea.. attractive indeed -_-) or his money (he's broke, almost 100% of the time). For me... I love a person for who he is, not what he has.. But it still does not explain my ability to concentrate to such extents. Look at my prelim results! (ahem, dun wanna boast but... this is the best I've had in 4 years..) I can't say for sure, after all I'm just a teenager who hasn't seen enough of the world. But.. I feel this is it. A love which sustains us both, spurring us on, giving us the support we need in stressful times. It has to be it. What else could it be?

Who the heck cares anyway?

So long as it feels good, I think I shall go along with it. Though at this age, it's not supposed to be right, but somehow.. I'm feeling that I'm doing the right thing, being in love... Who knows, it might just last. =)

Quizzy

2007-09-07T15:57:00.000+08:00

QUIZ TIME (Ohh Clarence u baka! C lah I nonid do my work le XDXDXD waste tym on dis... Will hold u responsible4my prelim results... ehhehe jkjkjk...)

List out your top 5birthday presents that you wish for:

1) The best marks... courtesy of the professors in Cambridge (Os! The big Os!!!)

2) Five tickets to Japan, Hokkaido~~~~~

3) Vincent... Doing well for his English =)

4) Ummm... Must I mention this one? Sencho knows what I mean... =P

5) A laptop so that I can write my stories n create my own videos~!

Answer the following questions :

1. The person who tag you is? Clarence Liu o_O

2. Your relationship with him/her is? Choir junior... *sniff* miss choir...

3. Your 5 impressions of him/her? Hmmm.. intelligent, a little stuck up =X, boyish, quite charming and not that annoying (unlike SOME ppl I know!) (eh don't whack me xD)

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you? Hmmm.. Nanimonai (nothing)

5. The most memorable words he/she had said to you? Nandemonai (also 'nothing')

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will? No way~~~~ I wan my Sencho <3 hardworking ="P"><)

22.When was the last time you had a chat with no.3? quite sometime ago...

23.What kind of music band does no.8 like? Not sure... probably wads up in Aussie xD

24.Does no.1 has any siblings? Two elder sisters.

25.Will you woo no.3? Of course! I'm les~~~ ehh nonono Sencho dun whack me xD

26.Is no.4 single? yup. Then again...

27.What's the surname of no.5? Huh. Whoops? What was it? =X

28.What's the hobby of no.4? Ogling at boys n guys... ehh dun whack me!!!

29.Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
No idea if they even know each other!

30.Where is no.2 studying at? BBSS, we pledge our... hehehe... =P

31.Talk something casually about no.1? My bestie~~~~ gambatte!

32.Have you try developing feelings for no.8? Yes... of friendship!!!

33.Where does no.9 live at? Somewhere in Choa Chu Kang. Near Lot 1 =P

34.What color does no.4 like? Apparently green.. eh correct anot?

35.Are no.5 and 1 best friends? Not quite. Again.. they dont rly noe each other =X

36.Does no.7 likes no.2? Miuu~ they dunno each other~

37.How do you get to know no.2? CHOIR~~~~

38.Does no.1have any pets? Yes. I gave her mah precious guppies <3

39.Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world? Uh. At least in my opinion not quite...

Grow

2007-08-25T16:52:00.000+08:00

After such a long while... Only a short post for today T-T

Yesterday(or today?) I stayed up for 23hours.. Slept at 10 on thursday night and woke up at 4.25 to continue my geography revision.. And made a big cup of coffee >_< Then I only slept at about 3+ last night.. Whoa!

Was staying up writing my diary. Dug up my old diary(actually, it's placed on a shelf just above my bed..) and read its dusty contents. Wrote a 28-page long post! Those wee hours were the hours I relished by relooking at my life, tracing back the steps I took as I walk the unfamiliar path now..

But I realised that I'd grown at an alarming rate. One year, made a whole lot of difference. Add things up, the past 3years and 8months have done so much to shape my character that it is today. From a tomboyish girl with severe oddities and bouts of depression, to a young lady(or old lady, anyone?) whose mind is filled with... physics formulas xD JOKING. A young lady who now knows her inner strengths and talents, and who knows that she'll make very good use of them. A girl whose identity crises now reside in a deep corner of her mind, her real self now in full bloom! Whose self-esteem shot up at an exponential rate, whose emotions became more matured and of substance.. I have learnt so much throughout my secondary school life that I'd never realised it til now..

Well, what about all you people out there? Do you know how much you've grown? Nevertheless, any growth is still growth. Whether it is excruciating periods of years like mine, or even just a few months or even weeks.. We all grow, teenagers, adults, children... Whether physically or psychologically.

Ah. Back to work =P you people too, go get some growing done!

Dreams are weird

2007-08-14T15:31:00.000+08:00

Yahhh~~~~ Update~!!! Lol.

Hmm.. Had a very weird dream last night. Clarence was in it (suckaa u looked so horrid xD yeah~~~~ Lol no harm intended) Somehow he was tied to a post on a stage(think by leonard, he appeared briefly in the dream o_O) and he got pwned by my lil sis (she decorated his hair in blue hair clips >_<) Then he had that puppy-dog eye expression... Begging to be let go as he had to listen to my 'grandma stories'... what a laugh! then somehow the scenery changed to my cousins' place (think I miss them too much T-T) and he somehow got away.. O well. maybe it means something... Then my cousin (a year older than me) came in with a plastic bag full of rabbits! They were absolutely cuddly and soft and furry... I held two brown ones in my hands xD

Well... I don't get it.

But the rabbits were cute <333

My subconscious was most definitely cursing Clarence even in my sleep though... Hahaha... But seriously, seriously... Why the hell does Suchi say he's my husband? -_-" Heavens' sake, I'd rather die than get laughed at for having a 'husband' younger than me. Neither does he want such a fate, does he? So... SUCHI SHUT UR BLOODY GAP. It's already stressful enough to have to cope with the 'men' in my life. Don't try adding another... If you consider that walking coconut 'human'.. Yes Clarence you can start making voodoo dolls.. want some thread and rope? Nevermind. I think the 4 brown rabbits will eat the rope up...

Tired... hormones wrecking havoc in my already pain-stricken body. Tomorrow's the EL O Level Oral Exams... for me at least. I am SO not ready. Kill me, O lords up above... I really don't feel like doing a darn thing. All the doubts can never seem to be cleared. It seems all I can do is let the tears fall and fall.. Cried myself to sleep. My O level CL results were good. A2 eh.. The DPA has gotten me the offer of my dreams in SP.. Why?

Why does everything fail to raise my downtrodden spirit? Is it just because I'm so tired that I've got no energy left to scream for joy, or is it because there doesn't seem to be anything to be happy about anymore? The world spins as always, a dying world's fate in sight... Perhaps the earth's plight mirrors my emotion.. The skies send showers down as torrents flood my own heart. My room darkens as my mood pales away.. The news show nothing but sad tales (at least, whatever news I ever read or hear)..

Each step I take, brings me closer and closer to the end. Where do we go after the end? It just stops, doesn't it? And we can never see, touch, hear, taste or feel the world again. It just ends. Maybe for those in different religions, things are different. But after all, when we die the elements within us just cease to work their mysterious energies which bring about life. We're just a bunch of elements, controlled by a bunch of elements and the world's environment, which is still a bunch of elements. How pathetic life seems.

But somehow I believe there's more. The spark which caused life to come about was probably not the only thing which gave us the biodiversity of life today.. Bunches of elements are still dead things. Dead things can't taste, touch, hear or see things... dead things don't feel anger, sorrow, sadness or despair... Neither can they feel happiness, joy, or the power of dreams... Then again, what are dreams?

Maybe, just maybe, it's the life force that keeps us going.

And, maybe I should thank Clarence xD coz if not for the funny dream after my sobs, I wouldn't be a lil more upbeat than yesterday... The people who appear in my dreams are commendable. Not anyone can step into the giant realm of alternate universes which is my mind... Yet those who don't appear, may have conquered it all...

"Happiness is something you choose to have, and you can have it your whole life if you want to."
You're right, Sencho. Thanks for bringing me that happiness.

Naivety

2007-08-09T14:50:00.000+08:00

The long weekend... Sigh.

Parents went on holiday with my youngest sis. I didn't want to go... Wasn't interested in sitting around in a resort in Malaysia. Besides, I've got so much to do. I'd been washing my shoes, my soft toys xD doing revision for the prelims... And getting my anime fix! Well, gotta relax sometime. And today, I feel much more refreshed. Ready to tackle the day's work.

And of course, I managed to spend some time with my beau.. <3

It seems so unbelievable, all the events that took place recently... Sometimes I find myself smiling like a simpering fool when his image appears in my mind... His voice, his touch, his love... But how long can things last? I mean... They always say teenage loves almost never last. How many couples who were together in their school years ever get married? Well.. my parents are a fine example which opposes this statement.. =)

To think that just some time ago, I'd been a wanderer of the shadows... then the doors to enlightenment came to me, unexpectedly... But still, regardless of the knowledge of hope, I was trapped in my shadows.. the memories that so tormented me, the actions I should have never done. Then a decision to make amends.. And yet, as if Heaven was smiling down on me, I had been given a new strength, and with it I can walk the distance... Hand in hand, we will walk the journey called life...

No matter what happens, this first love has been a strong and miraculous one, bound by affinity and fate. Never mind if it doesn't last, for at least I've experienced its beauty and power. But it would be nice if it lasted... A sweet love story to tell my children in the future... Children.. with whom? Shhh~ xD

Reconcile

2007-08-03T17:26:00.000+08:00

Ahh muack muacks muacks!!! I'm back to mah baby~~~

Haven't come on my blog for some time now... So many things to write, so many things to say!

Wish I had the time to scream it all here... But studies come first more than anything else.
23 more days to the prelims.. Hell. I feel like cutting my throat and letting the blood spurt out in all directions... No more me, no more prelims, no more Os. That would be peace.
Been listening to Bleach songs as of late. Alones is a very sweet song ^^ just like Sen no Yoru wo Koete~ But SnYwK packs more punch and is lifting.

But now, the song represents not what I lost, but what I found.

So many unreciprocated feelings... all blown away by the winds of change. How many in the past 1 and a 1/2 years? About 3. One was pure misunderstanding, pure folly on my part... the other a blind swipe in the darkness, hoping to light the rusted torch... the last one? A burst of joy yet confusion from within... yet, yet, that was the only one I don't regret til this day. At the Metamorphosis concert, our eyes met again since a very long time. I smiled, and with a little hesitation, he smiled back. Perhaps that's all I wanted to see, nothing more. Maybe I didn't want what I sought after before the song.

What about feelings reciprocated?

His eyes are the only ones I'd gaze into til my head goes dizzy... *dreamy*

Sometimes, I wonder if it's because I've got a taste for younger guys (somehow) that drew me to my beau. Sometimes I feel I'm dating a lil boy, who hasn't quite grown out of computer games and cards. Yet there is an air which I can't quite describe in him, that makes his form so different altogether. Perhaps that is why I don't mind at all. He can understand my priorities, which I feel most guys these days wouldn't understand. His gestures are saccharine, yet his every move leaves one bewildered (think he'll decapitate me if he sees this xD) It's strange how fate twists and winds so unnervingly, giving you all the unexpected things in life. But I'm pretty happy with what fate has given me, as if the prices I'd paid in the past were all worth it.

Sigh...

Had been slacking for the past few days. Sleep, is something I need so badly, yet the only time I can relish it is in the dead of the night. The hours lit by daylight are strictly for work and play, no naps, no nothing. And yet, the rest I get never seems to be a good one. My mind tousled in mind-wrecking thoughts, provoking images which makes one's blood curdle (technically, blood can't curdle. Its bound by thrombin as it gets into contact with the air... does it?)

Ahh anyway... where was I?

The bonds I once had, I now try to mend. The illusory that shrouded the first now dispelled, with my own mind. The other, though torch no longer lit, I cast away thy fire... The last? A story with a beginning, but no visible end. Where is the end? I see his yearning, so similar to mine, yet unlike mine. I wish I could take a step in and guide him through.. When I was hovering in the darkness, no one could lead me.. Now I do not want to see anyone fall into the ultimate trap; of oneself. But we're of different worlds, one of the land, and one of the ocean. Whence can they meet?

But it doesn't matter... I've come to love the open blue sky =)

Relight thy flames

2007-07-21T20:00:00.000+08:00

Waahhhh so long leeehhhhh~~~

Hello people xD

Since my jie wan my update... Lol I'll make it a short one. Better than nothing >_<

The last month has been a very trying time. Pretty much busted and broken down. Lots of tears and pain... and blood... Literally. Studying has overtaken my life, my body, my soul. I guess that's the path I have taken. For my dreams, sacrifices must be made...

This afternoon before my tuition, I met two people from... uhh... Think it was a christian organisation. They asked me to do a survey (so I did.) Well, they said I didn't look like a 16-year-old. They thought I was in JC...

FOR HEAVENS SAKE DO I REALLY LOOK SO OLD?!?!!

In sec 2: Went to Malaysia, went out with cousins. A guy surveying people about the WWF (not WWE. Gosh.) asked me in Chinese: "Do you see this logo outside your workplace?"

Gawd.

Cousins laughed like crazy. Then one of them said I was still schooling. He asked again: "So you're in Form 5? (so-called our sec 4 in s'pore. The Form 5's take a national exam too.)"

More laughter.

Shoot.

I've had worse. People who meet me all think I'm already working, or am alot older than what I'm supposed to be... except when I'm in school U. WWWWHHHYYYYYY????

My parents don't know.

Neither do any of my friends whom I asked (not alot but anyway..)

My friend (Joy~) once said I actually didn't change at all from primary school (she last saw me in pri 2 eh... I must look supremely ugly...) except that I looked more mature.

Maturity. What is it? And am I really mature at all?

Most friends around me probably think so (with the exception of my choir buds.. I'm sure they beg to differ) but really. What is maturity? What do people really see in me? And why are my looks affected as a result?

Maybe it's just my dress sense... *cold wind blows*

But... I guess all that doesn't matter. Because I know after this rough patch in life, there's someone waiting for me... And I'm thankful that I've found this person. Our paths have crossed once again... perhaps one day there'll be a clear unison of both of them, and then we'll walk it together, hand in hand... There'll be more difficulties and obstacles, but if one is determined, I'm sure I can do it!

Sencho!

Last few moments

2007-06-22T09:33:00.000+08:00

It's the last few days of the holidays... After this, my readers (stares at blank space) will have to go without my cheaminology for awhile... 'Cuz I'll be somewhere in Sg. Mati (yes, 'dead river'), Tangkak visiting my cousins and my poor grandpa... Think he got hospitalised again.

And anyway after this, I'm very sure I'll have no more time to post on my baby here *sobs loudly* IM GONNA MISS MY BLOG!!!

It's been some time, I started this blog in January, and now it's near the end of June. Half a year's worth of experiences and insights. That's alot. There'll be more, but I'm afraid I won't be able to share them with my friends, or those people out there who just happen to come across this lil site. So many emotions pumped into each post (well, maybe not all) and each one a literary work (in my eyes xD)

I wonder now how many have read this blog (didn't put a counter, maybe I should xD) But what for? I'm not interested in how many reading it, but how many UNDERSTAND them. How many huh? *silence* yes I know I'm difficult to comprehend... Isn't it? Yeah? *silence again* Duh. No one can answer that... Or maybe no one will.

Well... I'm embarking on a new venture (as usual) but it's gonna help my English as well.. I CAN'T TAKE THAT FAILURE LYING DOWN! From an A I dropped to a B!!! A LOW B!!!! No way man, no way am I going to take that! So I'm going to try to write this story, a fairytale xD
But its not those sweet sweet fairytales where good always wins. This will be a bittersweet tale for people my age (but it's CLICHED as SOMEONE put it!) And I've already written the prologue. What next is the story, which will take extra planning to put things into place.

Where'd the story come from?

Dreams......

Remember? 'Dreams of making own universes'... Now who would miss that?

*cold wind blows*

Okaay.. Fine.

And yesterday I was listening to 'Sen no Yoru wo Koete' more than 10 times... and even til now I'm not sick of it... I guess it's because my heart yearns to sing that song. I'm sorry, but I can't let go of things so soon... I do not understand myself either. What is love? Do I feel that way towards you? Even though I've said so much and done so much, but I'm still unsure of myself. Each time I see you my insides start to turn somersaults. Just hearing you over the phone makes my heart jump up my throat... And for the first time in my life I stammer... Okay maybe not first time, but I haven't done that in awhile. Always putting up a strong front. And I kept asking myself: WHY. Til this day I can never comprehend it. Questions burning within my head. Always doubting myself. Always.

But I hope I can say it again. And I'll be sure it's right. I'll make sure you hear it loud and clear, no matter how much it hurts to do so. Because it's the most wonderful thing in the world.

To Love another

2007-06-21T12:00:00.000+08:00

I recently found a song from Bleach sung by Aqua Timez... Adorable group name, adorable song xD The song's called 'Alones'...

oreta awai tsubasa
kimi wa sukoshi aosugiru sora ni tsukareta dake sa
mou dareka no tame janakute
jibun no tame ni waratte ii yo...

KAWAII! Lols Kon singing in the first part of the opening..

Then I found the movie song they sung. And as I relate to songs sung by guys better (lol) here are the lyrics... I think it perfectly suits my mood now. A lil painful yet somewhat heartwarming... It's called "Sen wo Yoru no Koete".. Think it means A Thousand Nights smthsmth >< jap fail... I'm gonna learn this song. Die die oso learn xD Because I want my heart to sing this song. Now, it is but an empty void. I don't want that. I want it to sing again...

Sen no Yoru wo Koete

Aisaretai demo aisou to shinai
Sono kurikaeshi no naka o samayotte
Boku ga mitsuketa kotae wa hitotsu kowakutatte kizutsuitatte
Suki na hito ni wa suki tte tsutaeru n da

Anata ga boku o aishiteru ka aishitenai ka
Nante koto wa mou docchi de mo ii n da
Donna ni negai nozomou ga
Kono sekai ni wa kaerarenu mono ga takusan aru darou
Sou soshite boku ga anata o aishiteru to iu jijitsu dake wa
Dare ni mo kaerarenu shinjitsu da kara

Sen no yoru o koete anata ni tsutaetai
Tsutaenakya naranai koto ga aru
Aisaretai demo aisou to shinai
Sono kurikaeshi no naka o samayotte
Boku ga mitsuketa kotae wa hitotsu kowakutatte
Kizutsuitatte suki na hito ni wa suki tte tsutaeru n da
Kimochi o kotoba ni suru no wa kowai yoDemo suki na hito ni wa suki tte tsutaeru n da

Kono hiroi sekai de meguriau yorokobi o kotoba ja iiarawasenai ne
Dakara boku-tachi wa hohoemi iro azayaka ni sugiru aki o doremi de utatte
Fuyu o se ni haru no komorebi o machi
Atarashiku umarekawaru dareka o mamoreru you ni to

Kita michi to ikisaki furikaereba itsu de mo okubyou na me o shite ita boku
Mukiaitai demo sunao ni narenai
Massugu ni aite o aisenai hibi o
Kurikaeshite wa hitoribocchi o iyagatta ano hi no boku wa
Mukizu no mama de hito o aisou to shite ita

Sen no yoru o koete ima anata ni ai ni yukou
Tsutaenakya naranai koto ga aru
Aisaretai demo aisou to shinai
Sono kurikaeshi no naka o samayotte
Boku ga mitsuketa kotae wa hitotsu kowakutatte
Kizutsuitatte suki na hito ni wa suki tte tsutaeru n da
Sono omoi ga kanawanakutatte suki na hito ni suki tte tsutaeru
Sore wa kono sekai de ichiban suteki na koto sa

EL trans: (for those who bother)

I want to be loved, but you don’t seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if I’m scared, even if I’m hurt
I can say “I love you” to the person who I love

Do you love me? Or not love me?
As for things like that, it’s already fine either way
No matter how I wish
There are many unchangeable things in this world, right?
That’s right, and because only the fact of my loving you
Is the truth unchangeable by anyone

I want to overcome the thousands of nights and tell it to you
There’s something that I must tell youI
want to be loved, but you don’t seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if I’m scared
Even if I’m hurt, I can say “I love you” to the person who I love
It’s scary to turn my feelings into words
But I can say “I love you” to the person who I love

In this broad world, I can’t express the joy of encountering you with words
So we smile, sing about the vividly passing autumn in do-re-mi
Turn our backs on winter, wait for the sunlight streaming through trees in spring
And become reborn anew, so that we can protect someone

On the path we came from and our destination, when we looked back, I’d always have timid eyes
I want to face you, but I can’t be honest
I, who repeated days of not being able to straightforwardly love my partner
And hated being alone on that day
Seemed to love people while unwounded

I’ll overcome the thousands of nights and go meet you now
There is something that I must tell you
I want to be loved, but you don’t seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if I’m scared
Even if I’m hurt, I can say “I love you” to the person who I love
Even if those thoughts aren’t fulfilled, I can say “I love you” to the person who I love
It’s the most wonderful thing in this world

Iu ni iwarenu kanashiimi...

2007-06-19T15:31:00.000+08:00

Bored. Tired. Sleepy.

All negative.

For once, I wish I had a better state of mind... For once, I wish my mind was back at ease...

No, it never was.

Stress, stress, and more stress... I haven't displayed any symptom of it, apart from my water tap being alot easier to turn on recently... And I guess alot more. I'm breaking up! Finally!
Wow I'm actually happy?

Yeah I'm really stressed...

I'm breaking up...

Into lil' pieces... Maybe no one will find me...

So it goes. Was at the multi-purpose room listening to the choir singing. Wow... Love that Riversong... Gambatte, choir! But the guys were fumbling off both riversong and the prayer... funny why. Then I saw someone walk past who definitely destroyed my day. To think I'd avoided him all this while even in class and yet... If he'd looked in I'd glare right back... Mood-spoiler. Big loser. Bastard. Never wanna see that face again as long as I live. Too bad, we're in the same class. Got another half a year to live with it...

And after going for that choir practice, I guess I realised how badly I wanted to go back to choir, as well as... oh never mind. All I need to see is that smile, hear that familiar chuckle... I guess that's all I need. All I need to know.

I can't ask of so much from anyone. Things just can't be forced.

"When a relationship falls from the sky, you should hold out your your hands to catch it, or if it falls to the ground it will shatter..." (the beginning)

The last episode was yesterday (yes bad translations from chinese to english. Hey, my chinese FAIL de leh!) I couldn't help but agree. Once you miss it, the opportunity will disappear and all would be lost. No matter how hard you try...

As for me, all this while my hands were tied behind my back. Tied with crushing wires, cutting into my skin, blood gushing out of the wounds... Each time I manage to break free from the wires, the fallen star cannot be caught anymore... And I sadly pick up the pieces. Each time the wires become stronger and bind even more tightly than ever to my poor arms... There seems to be no lack of blood. Each time I still try, at least to pick up the pieces. But all fails...

My blood's running out. I cannot bleed anymore than I have. The wires cut deep into my flesh, almost revealing bone and muscle. I cannot bear the pain. But I don't see anything up in the sky. I think I'll just sit here and bleed... Maybe one day the death of heart will claim my tortured soul...

Himitsu no Merodei (Secret melody)

2007-06-18T18:00:00.000+08:00

Twas watching Bleach for a while now...
Anime... I guess I won't be able to watch 'em soon.

The last few days have been a roll... Work, work, work. I guess that's my only way to divert my emotions and feelings of tempest... The thunderclouds drift into my arena, flashing with their static charges... And I'm holding a lightning rod.

What the heck am I doing?

This is the suffering I chose to inflict upon myself, isn't that so? I chose this path, I chose to open those doors, I chose to take courage and walk toward the shimmering diamonds in the distance... But when will I reach the sea?

How vast, how blue, how lonely... This is what I chose. And so I must continue to move. But no one dictates who you will meet in your lifetime. And I wish we did not cross paths, not at this point of time. Perhaps if we'd met at a later time, I would've gone all out and sung my full song, but all that's left are piercing shards of the swansong... My swansong...

A melody from the deepest corners of my heart. Is that what I sung? But I now bring upon my own punishment for revealing it to you. My forbidden melody, its lyrics and tune so difficult even for the creator to grasp, a song from the recesses of my tortured 'tamashii'... So hard it was to pull it out, now I regret doing so. It is not your fault, but of mine. I brought this upon myself, therefore I face the music... Alone.

When will my judgement end? Fate had cruelly thrown such rare emotion into my path, and yet the moment I become brave enough to embrace it, fate wrenches it away from my arms... Ah, such sadness, so hard to depict. So many times it happened, I no longer have the courage to embrace it again... No longer, no longer.

"Why do we have hands? To hold the ones we love, tightly, never letting them go..."

Where are mine? Filthy, worn things. Though beautiful, as one kind friend once said, the things it ever did... Regretful. I mutilated them. Each time I want to embrace the fires again, I shriek in agony as they pierce my wounded hands... And then, I walk away.

Full Circle

2007-06-16T21:48:00.000+08:00

School's In!

Wow the first 2 days of extra lessons have been... pretty ok. Yup the stress's in but surprisingly I feel undaunted. Why?

Can't believe myself either... Can't believe myself at all.

Looking back at the memories... the few which I can remember... Who can believe me? All the things I did, all the friendships I built, the one love I ever had, the things I said... All of them, whether pieces of wisdom I now give my friends or the paints I used to colour my tormentors' lives in the past... I don't believe 'em. The poems I ever wrote to the ones I held so dearly in my heart, the cards I tenderly drew with all my sincerity in making that person's special day a beautiful one... I don't believe them at all...

Who am I?

I've met so many people in my life... whether my old primary school classmates or my current ones, teachers, tuition teachers in the past, friends from different events, friends over the net... Are they really friends, some of them? Hahahaha... Friends. How many do I really have? Then again, I can't be bothered. I'm happy that they're some really nice ones around me =)

I still don't get it.

Til now, I can't seem to fathom: why in the world did I feel so strongly for someone who I don't really know? Maybe I'm just bluffing myself, telling myself I know this person well enough. But I don't. Why? He's not fantastic-looking either, though I don't look for looks (lol bad pun) He's merely a guy. Just a guy. Isn't that right? Aren't I right? I don't know why I fell for him nor do I know from when. The moment I saw him? No I don't think so. Eh. Wait.

I vaguely remember a scene where he was talking to one of my seniors... I know who the senior is, but didn't know who he was at that time. Then I went like...(in my head) "He looks like ** ****... except uglier..." Hahahahaha... *sounds of disapproval* It's just strange. Instinct you could call it. Then I was compelled to tease him to no end. Somehow.

WHY?!?!?!?!

Guess that's one of the reasons why he'd rejected me. I suppose. I don't blame him. At least he returned my heart unbroken. Another guy did the opposite. I'm sure he has plenty of reasons. I lack in many ways anyway, and I accept that. Perhaps his heart is elsewhere. Perhaps...

O well...

Still don't get the inner workings of my brain. It's like there's a separate entity present amongst the grey matter, and my teenage mind's contorted in all its complexity... Woe is me. Sometimes I wish so hard that I can be like any other teenager: chat like there's no tomorrow, laugh and play, find fun in playing pranks on fellow peers, cry when a dear one has to leave (eg. migrate/transfer sch)

Well I guess I've done all that.

But none of it seems right.

Nothing ever seems right to me. Why? Is it just because I'm undergoing the growing up stage, or is it 'cos it's always been like this? All I remember is the philosophies circling my head, all those silly sayings I believed and I concocted. Comforting myself, that one day when it is my end, I'll find peace because I have attained what I set out to do, that my life is complete, that I've gone full circle and come back to die...

I feel... empty.

Very empty.

Why?

Anyone care to answer that question?

When teenagers round the world are busily enjoying their lives, here I am worrying so much about the end of it. Worrying worse than any adult. Worrying so much that each day I can't sleep well, can't close my eyes without thinking of the black void that awaits me when I breathe my last... Trying to enjoy my every second and every minute, but yet feeling so cramped up inside...

I fear it.

This is it, isn't it? Fear. No, I do not fear anything. Even when my friends asked, "Cheeryl, don't you fear anything?" I thought for awhile. There is nothing I really fear. Insects are my friends, bats are adorable, the night is welcoming, ghosts draw no fear from me... Fear. So I do fear. Which reminds me once again that I'm human...

Yadayadayada... I guess this 'human' had better get back to work!

Let the robin fly

2007-06-14T13:57:00.000+08:00

What Your Hands Say About You

You are logical, analytical, and rational.
You have good verbal skills.
Flexible and broad minded, you can fit in to any situation.
There's no telling where your life will take you.
Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the
point of being incomprehensible.
Your emotions tend to be well though out.
You're willing to wait out a bad situation,
and you're never too quick to act.

What Do Your Hands Say About You?

Wow so believable... I don't believe it myself -_-" Then again, how many people actually understand me?

Hmmm... Recent saga in my life is over. I think. Finally, the robin is able to free itself of its chains and suffering... (Thank you. Need not say more=))

Trying to fix up my new skin. It's not really working. Maybe I'll revert back to my old one if this doesn't work.

HTML... curses! Curse the countless number of codes and stuff!

Understanding. Where the heck did that go? My mental library's dictionaries can't seem to find that word. The library's toppled yet again... Thankfully there was no fire, extinguishers came at the right time. Yeah... what kind of fire? A burning sizzling spark, waiting to erupt, but drowned in reality at the right time.

To think of it, how many people in the world understand me at all? Well bad enough if the people around me already don't. So what if there's this silly blog here? How many people bother to read? Or how many even talk to me at all? Even in class, when we're sitting in close proximity, which one of those classmates really talk to me? HARDLY A SOUL. If there's anyone in my class with soul.

Or perhaps, it's me. I decided to do the shutting out. Teachers can't probe, neither can my friends. "Questions to ask, class?" I want to raise my hand, but I hold back. I do not want any of them, any of those 'sempaii' to be concerned by such a mere student. I’d rather be a digit in their eyes, not a person, not a whole person. I’m not worthy of anyone’s concern… I don’t wish to have anyone concerned over me.

But there are a few. And I thank the heavens for these very few.

Now stupid blogger’s down as I was typing this post. Doggone it. Stupid. Oh well. Playtime!

As I was saying… Those few, are the ones who genuinely care about my existence. So few, so far. There might be some who do care, but they don’t really know how. I feel sad each time I think about it. So little time, so few words. Then there are also people whom I wish they cared, people like… never mind. Not my parents though. They fall in the previous category. They do care, if not why’d they bother sending me through education? And clothe and feed me… I’m already thankful for all that. But it’s the needs of the heart they cannot really care for, which is what I find pitiful…

The heart. Merely an organ which helps us live. It does not think or feel like the brain, the main control centre of all our bodily functions. Yet we always refer to relationship problems or feelings as 'affairs of the heart', 'heartbroken', 'tugging at your heartstrings', 'my heart aches' etcetc. Why? Perhaps it is because without these feelings, we are as good as dead. The heart sustains us, so do our feelings and emotion. But emotion is so deadly, powerful, astonishing, painful... It can drive us to succeed, power our hopes and strengths, but yet it can cause our downfalls and destroy self-esteem, turn us senseless. Feelings. The only thing which connects us to others. The force which always is present, to remind us that we're all human, and it's natural...

Just tore a hole on my leg... infected (eww) again, I'm returning to one of my alter egos. Well, at least the youngest one. Perhaps, if I could take the qualities from this alter ego, combine it with my current demeanour... It'll all work out. Then I'll hold with my flithy worn hands the dream I saw so long ago, the dream set in my heart when it was still bright and warm... It now is a dark mass, contorted with delusion and ideals, needles stinging (I think even literally too, with waning health) with the poison of past, the bright red flames of emotion and ambition licking the arteries and muscles once again... And two tiny white buds (as my sis would put it) Two small feathered buds, down covering its frail-looking form...

So there's the robin, shaking free from one of its bonds, breaking away, slowly and surely from the others. Take flight, my feathered companion. Even if the world were to change, I'll still hold on. I'll still sing that song.

"Moshi mo sekai ga kawaru no nara...
Nanimo shiranai koro no watashi ni...
Tsurette itte, omoide ga... iro asenai you ni...
Tsurette itte, setsunasa ga, oitsukanai you ni..."

Blog skins... sian

2007-06-12T15:19:00.001+08:00

Bother.. Can't seem to get things right.
Stupid skin... hate to edit html... My brain's going palooza!

Anyway... soon I'm gonna change sking yipppeee!!!!

Maybe. Just maybe.

2007-06-10T17:57:00.000+08:00

Mushiieesss!!!!! Yummy!

See the smiley face? Look closely... That button mushroom on the far right!

Even the mushrooms are smiling when cooked... What more us humans? Eh. We eat those smiley faces. For those depressed koots out there... Smile! The mushrooms smile with you xD

For Heavens' sake!

2007-06-10T17:09:00.001+08:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay! Finally! The keyboard's within my reach!

Ohhh how I missed my lil blog *muacks*I think I'll go crazy if I were to study study study...

But... If I don't, then... my dreams, my ambitions... my will...

But... But...

Recently been talking to a good friend of mine, besides counselling alot more difficult people than I ever imagined (but succeeded somehow =)). I poured out my love woes at him (lol) as I did to Xiin n chuunney xD He then told me something:

"To do what's right, one may have to give up his or her dreams..."

I protested. Violently. But at the mention of that someone's name, I faltered. Why?

My ideals were set in stone. My heart was cast of steel... My soul, chained with all its worth to an unmovable pillar of despair... But it seems this person just melted the steel... Is his existence going to destroy the pillar which holds me, the stone which guides me?

And my friend pointed that out to me. "At the mere mention of his name, you say it's a different story... You say your dreams matter to you more than anything else but when HE comes into the picture, it's different... You're willing to bend your own rules..."

HEY. What IS wrong with me?

I do not think. I work. I push his image out of my mind. Hoping. Hoping he'll respond. Hoping...
I work. I do not think. I pretend...
My senses are dulled...

Hey, not bad. At least finally I'm doing my work. At least my mind is concentrating on what's right. But...

What am I doing to myself?

Does it really bother me so? Why?

He knows who he is. I don't blame him for not giving me an answer. I bet I'm too difficult to approach in the first place... Yeah.

Intimidating. Isn't that what I am in class? You yearn to be accepted, but you become ostracised. I am the opposite; I wish not to be accepted. I ostracise my class. Isn't that right, 4e2? If anyone does see this at all. I work. I work. No one can stop that... No backstabbing or love woes will stand in my way. The walls are getting higher and harder. The heat cannot harm my icy gloom...

But it seems... His presence can do more things than I expected.

Just... Answer... Me... I've faced rejections. Not like if you do that too I'll die or something. If it's 'cos you don't want to hurt me, you're wrong. By leaving things hanging in the air, I dare not even think of you. I don't know whether it's right, so I stop. The stirring song edges against the cold, hard pillars... At least if I know you feel nothing of the sort, I can put mine to rest. But without an answer... My heart threatens to tear out of its shell...

The robin yearns to sing, but its throat strangled by thistles and briar, its chest squeezed by metal chains, its beak jammed with stones... At least tell the robin it need not sing anymore. Then it can rest in peace...

Tenshi no Kanashii (angel's sorrow)

2007-05-28T15:57:00.000+08:00

CHINESE O LEVELS AARRREEEE SOOOOOO OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoo~

*cough*

mataku ne...

Gotta plan timetable for hols. Havent done a thing yet. Maybe biology first 'coz I like it.. Then Some maths. No. Alot of maths.

Die.

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's" Your Love Style?

Oh. Really. Like as if I were so magnamious.

Never mind.

Lately my world's stopped spinning. There's no drive now, after the exams. Feeling pretty out of place and not wanting to do a single thing... Some gravitational force is lacking. Either that, or that tiny sphere I call my imagination hasn't been working much =(

Not really.

Weird dreams...

Dreamt of being in some alternate reality. There were alot of lifts. Plenty. Then I asked myself: Which do I take? Which will bring me to my destination? But I didn't know where I wanted to go. Then scenes of old Singapore (I think. Looks like it...) flashed past. Another one was being late for the O level exam >_< with Xiin and we went down tis weird staircase... And I was totally frozen up there when we were, uh, late?

Then last night's.
A particular someone appeared in it. To think we haven't even spoken to each other face to face in a million years, but we did. In the dream, of course. And I was enjoying it... haha!
Then some villians came by and tried to disturb the peace. The fun part was my fingers could spout fire at will, and somehow anything which came into my contact could be used as a phone... How weird? Then some scenes in a funny race, and a mention of penguins (..???) and... bother.

Oh if only it were real. I'd set the whole world on fire and burn everything in sight. Everything I so love and hate. EVERYTHING.

Bother. Is this the feeling so welled up within me? I don't know. When can I find my answer? When will he reply? Or will he ever?

Sayonara love

2007-05-25T14:51:00.000+08:00

Hei sho~!

Report book, check. Poem, check. Grieving for the school, check...

Chinese GCE O level papers... MONDAY 28 MAY!!!

Gawd.
I am so not prepared...
Gibberish.
I don't feel prepared...

My chinese teacher said I showed a big improvement... So happy! My efforts have paid off after all. I really put my heart and soul into my work. I did. Though a few comprehensions skipped here and there (sorry mdm shi xu~) 'cuz of some unprecedented outbursts of emotion... But I could understand better. The even greater fact was that I actually REVELED in it all! Chinese has become more a part of my life than ever and I don't hate it one bit!

Teachers are important in influencing whether you like a subject or all, I guess...

I used to have a horrid chinese teacher in pri 4, who totally killed my passion for the language. She was bad. Real bad. In the looks department as well as the way she carries herself. Hell. To think that was the year I paid my price as well...

Then secondary school. A teacher looking like the horrid one in primary school. But she wasnt as bad as I thought, in fact a lot nicer. Sec 3: Mrs Lee~! Ohmigosh I love her! She's the one who helped me get back on track~ My chinese did improve and slowly I regained interest in it. Now with Mdm shi things are alot better. My chinese has improved alot over the years and I even got a B3 in the recent SA1s... Would love to thank my secondary school MT teachers who made the difference =)

Hey, big improvement from F9 okay!

Haha. Now to main topic.
Oh. What main topic?
Don't know.

Have you ever wanted to say so much to someone, yet lose your voice the minute you see that person? And the words just circle your mind like mad speeding motorcycles... Wheels laced with spikes and oil, engines spurting fire and smoke...

O well. I should not let romance stand in my way. If it hurts, it should begone. But its not hurting in a bad way. Like a toothache xD

Choir... what is it to me?

2007-05-12T14:08:00.000+08:00

Choir.

Graduation was yesterday as all choir members should know...(Ya gt some FELLOW pon lo... someone ah...) Cute skit by group one (of course... gt..) The song item with Ezra going solo was cool. Guys jiayou! No need to blush xD Exchange of gifts was nice... I think. Ms Seah was so nice~ she gave me and Melissa bangles xD beady beady... shiny... kawaii~! The new ex-co gave us sweets and chocolates... I exchanged gifts with Shaun. So sweet of him to give me those sketch books (And thank you Shaun for visiting my blog... ahh~ readership!) Feel very dumb though giving him such a lousy gift... T-T

Choir.
What is it to me?

I've asked myself this question for a very long time now. What is it to me? Why does it seem to take a very important place in my heart? If I have one in the first place...

Choir. Since sec 1, when I first stepped into this school, I had set my eyes on it. I didn't care whether the choir had a bad reputation or a good one. I just knew, I wanted in. The UGs did not much entice me and I braved on... It may sound embarrassing but you can ask my friends from lower sec... I'd wanted to join basketball =X but at that time there were only guys... so I didn't join. They reccomended netball but I decided not to join... (doesn't make much diff my 'ball' skills are SO bad up til now... exponential downhill T_T)

And so, here I am.

Nearly 4 whole years of choir.
What have I learnt?
I don't know xD

But there's something I'm sure of.

I learnt how to smile.

Yes.

Choir was the one place I could truly, maybe not entirely, but at the very least let me release my child's side. I'm totally sick of being seen as a serious person (though I am la xP) and I don't like the image I portray in my class! In choir, I can be alive. I can scream. I can shout. I can laugh, and even if I cry, I dare to. But come to think of it, none of my classmates from sec1-4 have seen me cry... Only our dear BBSS choir have seen (even so, only a few)

Choir.

I wish I didn't have to graduate... I don't know how many of you guys out there want me to (lol) But the thing is... I WANT CHOIR!!! I want to sing, I want to express, I want to be alive! I want to be with all of you! From Belinda and my jiejie, to yinglin, joy and sheryl and hui min... And the current sec 3s... even though we're not so close... The sec 2 batch now, all so kawaii xD And I want to know the sec 1 batch too!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE HORROR!!!!!

And I'll miss... oh never mind.

I wonder. What will the next half a year be like? Will I never ever get to talk to my buds again?

ITS HORROR!!!

The only sanctuary I had is now taken away from me... not forcefully, not entirely. Just that... My parents already totally against it from the beginning... And I can't perform in the July concert.... O's. Sickening O's. How I wish I could just KILL MYSELF and throw everything away... throw my books and burn my notes..

I want choir. Sob.

Love woes

2007-05-11T17:23:00.000+08:00

Stupid blogger.. now my text here bigger den usual. Nvm. I still wanna blog.
Was talking with my cousin over msn.. Miss them lots.. Miss them badly. I wanna end school soon. I wanna go to Malaysia n meet them...

Then I talked to her about... me.

I really ought to slam myself against a metal crate... BBBOOOONNNGGGG!!! *bleeding ensues* WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!

I darent mention the guy's name here for fear he reads my blog (although I want him to)... And gets totally pissed... I hope no one who partially knows the situation reads this, cuz it'll lead to alot of turmoil which likely will do more harm than good. For those who know I beseech you to SHUT UR GAPS.

It's like this: umm... this is difficult. Let's call this guy... ummm. Ummm... Call him 'Mr. P' then. (its gt nth 2 do wif his name no nid 2 guess u ppl)

Mr. P is younger than me.

*cold wind blows*

Yes.

*cold gale blows*

I'm not joking.

*blizzard*

RIGHT. At first, I'd thought it was just a sort of 'hao gan' cuz when I first met him, I was still having a giant crush on my classmate (who's been my classmate from sec 1 til now!)... and Mr. P resembled him in some ways... So the natural thing (for me) to do was to bully him. No I'm serious. Really TEKAN him. I don't understand it but for so long now... if I set my eyes on a guy, whether romantically or not, he'd probably end up pretty bruised from my poking and prodding (and whacking at times) And.. He became a victim of cuz (nvm abt tt... alotta prev guys oso kena me b4. let's see... tt classmate of mine, my ex, the wilted sunflower xD hmm... who else arh...)

Ok. Nevermind the prodding. As time went by (actually less than a few months) I swiftly got to my senses and whacked myself in the back: HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I LIKE A YOUNGER GUY?!?!?!!! Ok. It was practically against what I was looking for. So maybe, just MAYBE, I had to occupy myself with substitutes... (studying, drawing, etcetc.. bullying other ppl) I'd weighed the pros and cons. Nothing wrong with him being younger... but:

1: He was in love with another gal whose personality is totally the opposite of mine
2: I thought he looked ugly xD (at that time)
3: He seemed childish
4: I'd die if my friends knew I'm hitting on a younger guy
5: I thought my dream would be hindered if I were to indulge in such romantic pursuits

So there you go. I totally wiped the notion off my mind. But I still talked to him etcetc but not alot I guess. I DID tell him I'd had a crush on him before but gave up after weighing the pros and cons (lol? Am I being too frank?) But I think that probably scared the wits out of him. He went like "HHHHHAAAAARRRRRR????!?!!?!" (smth liddat)

So there. I treated him as a good friend after that. He's one of the few people whom I can actually treat as an equal. Why? He seems to be around the same level of maturity as I am. I was honestly impressed with that and of course that piqued me to want to know him better... etcetcetc... And his dream. His dream is an embodiment of my ultimate will. Well, at least most of it is. His dream is a subset of mine (lol) So that drew me further in.

Then there was a point I wanted to ask him if he'd like me to be his godsis or smth. LAME! I really couldn't pinpoint my purpose but... I knew I wanted to help him. Everytime I manage to see him (c arh sr n jr hardly c ea other de ma), I always catch that glimpse of sadness in his eyes. Wonder if I read it wrong, but... They looked sad. Then I heard of his troubles in school. I wanted to help him in some way.. but how? So that tactic arose... But in the end, I never opened my yap. Didn't dare to. Didn't want to invite gossip. I'm sure if I did that his friends would tease him to no end and that would affect his already bad state...

And then, he still liked that girl. No, I'm nt jealous or smth. Felt sad because he was sad. I don't know why either.

All along, I'd thought I just wanted to be some sort of a 'sempaii' figure to him... hoping to be able to give him advice when he needs it, hoping that I can see him attain his dream.. and be happy for him. But it looks like it isnt so simple...

Then recently I KEPT reading physics stuff... reading and reading.. Honestly, I did have an interest in it (been reading encyclopedias since I was 4yrs old!) Then I kept asking him what dis meant n what that meant... But cuz he could not(or probably didnt want) to reply. I can only really chat with him on Msn. How foolish of me...

*sigh*

72hrs of dreaminess... Is is the effect of numbing all my feelings for so long, and suddenly... letting them rush all out again? Is this the exaggeration of my mind? Are those feelings real?

I don't know. His eyes, his smile, his postures and gestures... his dream, his talents... all allure me... (if Mr. P has read to this point, he'd probably barf. Then again, if you'd read til here I bet you're barfing)

But there's one thing I know for sure. Whether its the longing for love, or the longing to be a sort of mother figure to someone, I really want to see him achieve his dream. I don't know how I can help him, and I've been so useless all this while. Useless to everyone. Class, Choir, Friends, My 'nakama'.. I've been a useless b****. Why would he even like me... as in romantically at all... in the first place? What am I trying to get from this? What do I want? I don't even know what place do I stand in his world... What makes me think that I can even be someone who can motivate him or support him?

Perhaps... It is love. Is it? No. Even if it is I must surpress it. I do not want to see him further ostracised by his classmates. But... then... what should I do?

Will he read this? What will he say? Will he avoid me or what?

But if Mr. P reads this all I wanna say is this: actually, I'd wanted to say this to him for a very long time... but I dared not. How cowardly of me...

"I may not know what role I play in your life, nor do I have the right to play an important role, because I don't have the ability to do so. Like a mother whose son goes out to war, she can only weep silently, hoping her son will be safe, hoping he'll emerge victorious. But one thing I know for sure is this. I've developed such feelings for you, but yet I cannot express them for fear of being more of a hindrance than a help. But I want you to succeed. Your dream is so close to mine. It is a dream linked to the true dream that I'd wanted to achieve a long time ago, a dream that I cannot fulfil because of my gender and my upbringing... and my self. So it is like I'm counting on you to do great things which I can't. I want to see you rise among the others, I want to see you embrace the ambitions that you have set for yourself. And most importantly, i want to see you smile. I want to see a true smile. A true smile of happiness. I have been living a life in the darkness for so long, and have yet to smile a true smile. But you still can. Have you?"

Complicated emotion... Dreamy eyed... Drowning in the sea of affection... I do not expect you to reciprocate my feelings for you, but the best thing you can give me is simple.

A smile.

Kioku

2007-05-06T15:35:00.000+08:00

Kimi wa nani ni naru tumori ka?
What are you going to be?

This phrase I've picked out from the japanese verbs book got me thinking: How many people actually know what they want to be?
I'm sure I know, somehow... but I'm having great difficulties trying to stick to it...

STRESS!!!

Biology p1 n p2 tml... aaaaahhhh!!!!! I'm cramming like ther's no tomorrow... And to think, it's just the sa1's... And there's so much more to do... I'm overloading!

Tasukete kure!!!
For those who know jap go find out what it means by yourself..

Been feeling so empty recently... why? I feel so lost. More than half my life has been totally forgotten. Vanished. Disappeared. Frozen in a shaft, with storms blazing round it... I feel so cold, so unprotected...

So lost.

It doesn't matter. I'd made the ultimate sacrifice to pursue what I'm doing. The ultimate mistake I'd made had wiped out a part of me. But it's not a problem. I'm still alive. I still talk. It's just that my childhood's missing, that's all. Nothing wrong.

My 'kioku'... so many bad ones... good ones... all gone...

Try as I might, but...

2007-05-04T20:33:00.000+08:00

It seems so lonely all of a sudden... Yet I've found my 'tomodati' all over again...

Met my old primary school classmate today. Me, xiin and shyam... We were at the jurong library, chatting with all our mights and laughing heartily at our past, of my funny mistakes... And then they mentioned the time I was pushed down an entire flight of stairs by this gal... Eh, pri 3 only lor, wonder why she hated me so much.. The worse thing is I don't remember anything...

Why?
Why?
Why???
It's been like self-induced amnesia... I dun wanna remember...

So many memories... so painful, agonising... So foggy and damp... Don't want them...

But why are the happy things thrown out as well?

Game?

2007-05-02T18:23:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

Game for it?

Falling Butterflies

2007-05-02T17:29:00.000+08:00

Imagine... A whole row of falling butterflies... stringed across the sky, in all different hues. Red, violet, green, blue... Stranded across the sky... floating, but yet lifeless...

That's my life now.

Weird description? Yup.

Feel so STRESSSEEDDDD AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Can someone gimme an ice pack? I need one.

Went to WM to meet my old pal. He's still short as ever. And silly. And always acting dumb. His friends were entertaining xD We all kept making fun of him. And I can't believe how dumb he is at Physics. Goodness. Even I could do a million times better. Forget formula, dunno definition... Alamak. O levels this year and he's still fumbling. Lol it's his life so I guess I can't do anything.

Why butterflies?

A butterfly. So beautiful and yet fleeting. Its lifespan is but a tiny sliver in our lives. Its existence mainly to reproduce, to maintain its kind. Okay... I'm not saying I'm beautiful! (which I am NOT in the first place!) But... These creatures are the representation of how short and precious life is. It comes and goes... And yet, I find there are people who still don't understand it. Especially the very two persons who brought me up. Apparently they are in denial of the thing called 'free will'...

Just saw a picture of Anemone (Eureka 7). And I relate quite alot with her.

We're both lost.

But she found her way out of her delusion. I'm still lost.

Anyone got a compass??? (refer to prev blog entry in myspace... long time ago le)

So I shall continue to fall. It doesn't matter if I can't see what I wanted to see in this lifetime. I want to life it to the fullest, and perish with a smile on my face...

One wonders how long I'll live...

Never mind. No one cares anyway. Even if there were, they don't care enough or I can't feel it. Gotta get back to work!

Ikiru Ikiru Ikiru

2007-04-30T17:08:00.000+08:00

WELL!

It's the SA1s and here am I blogging again...

I feeeeel alive!

Yup. I do.

Just borrowed a book on Japanese verbs... Can you believe it? On the very eve of SA1, with a killer paper called Social Studies WAITING to murder me! But I still borrowed it. It's been a pleasure (and a pain) trying to understand Japanese. Now I know why it's such a difficult language to master.

And I saw this word at the back which caught my eye: Ikiru

It literally means 'to live'.

To live? How do you live?

Seemingly innocent question right? But it can draw many answers...

For me, to live is to enjoy every moment, savour the sweetness of time, drown in all of life's pleasures, be it sad, happy, fulfilling, wasteful, scrumptious (yum!), painful, agonising, enlightening... Anything! Your life is yours to live. It is how you want to see it that makes it beautiful (or nasty!)

But my life now is a crunching mass of STRESS.

SA1s are killing me. My brains churned out til the juices run dry... And I drink coffee more often than not. Usually it's for in the mornings but now I'm drinking it at night to stay awake... Mp3 headphones jammed in my ears, blasting either heavy metal or Japanese rap to keep me awake... the minute 'Snow Rain' or 'Fields of Hope' plays, I switch it immediately... Smsing doesn't help much, although it keeps me slightly more alert...

OH GAWD HELP ME!!!!

Never mind. Zombie cheeryl is here to stay... (wish mr. samuie would STOPPP CALLING ME 'SHHHEEEEEE REELLLLL'!!!! It's irritating!!!!)
My eye circles are worse than ever, hair is as always in bad conditions... just trimmed it but it's still dry n limp. Useless keratin strands!

Oh well. In the name of education I shall persevere...

Back to work!

My Sinking Corpse lies...

2007-04-21T21:42:00.000+08:00

It's been sooooooo long!!!!

Haven't blogged for a million years.. No la, juz 2 weeks or so..
But there's no time for me to do so anyway... And the lack of words makes things worse.

Choir has been getting more intense... Can feel the heat already. SYF's on Monday but I don't feel prepared. I went for it 2 years ago and I don't recall having such feelings before... Perhaps, 2 years ago, my emotionally unstable self did not fully register the significance of the competition, and perhaps my bad memory has led to this...

Come to think of it, I can actually choose what not to remember... Or is it just horrid memory?

I've ever self-induced a sort of 'amnesia' upon myself. Yeah I know it doesn't seem possible. But I did. Erased off nearly all memories of my primary school days, forgotten most of my fellows... Most weren't worth remembering anyway. And even the nice memories were wiped off this mutilated slate. Only a few chunks here and there, not in chronological order, stuck somewhere in my library. I'd better look at the 'Good Things my Friend(s) did for Me' section just to make sure...

Looking through my mental library can be quite fun. But my library is a mess now. Earthquakes have been rocking it for years, and most books are usually not neatly on shelves but strewn all over the floors. There had also been a case whereby the library was burned down a few times, and the librarian had been murdered (luckily resurrected...) And the books are in horrid shape too. Some half-torn or half burnt, some liquified, others bitten or cut up into pieces... There are a few odd ones in good condition, but they're the ones published this year... And there's one particular one I've dipped personally in hydrochloric acid. There's a ferret on the front cover...

Anyone deciphered my nonsense yet?

Whatever.

It's the state of my mind, you dumb people out there.
No I'm joking about the dumb part. I believe people who have read this far are definitely not dumb. Just dumber. Ok ok stop throwing the rotten food already *wince*

Well, better go. Likely I'll be gone from this blog for awhile though.

Across the tears

2007-04-13T22:50:00.000+08:00

I gotta make this short or my guts will fall out.

But I really feel so squashed up these days... gotta let it all out!!!

Haiz... Bother...

Really feel like screaming my lungs out. Which is what I've been doing lately for choir practices. Yeah I know sop 2s I'm pushing it. But I need to let it all out somwhere. Sorry if we've been going out of tune. If it's anything, it's my fault. Sorry.
I don't know. Usually my singing only reaches a 75% even when performing onstage, about 60% during choir practices in the music room, and at most 70% for the morning sectionals. But recently I've been pushing the bar to more than 80%. Yeah I taste blood alright, even now. Not some infection of sorts but I've been coughing up blood for some time now. If its not my gums its my lungs (lol it rhymes! Does it?)

It feels like my world's spinning round and round like a mad whirring top... Suddenly, its orbit is cut short, only to begin again spinning and spinning... So I'm currently starting to spin again, with even more velocity and of increasing acceleration (yeahhh Physics. Ouch.)

Studies. Choir. Friends. Self. Studies. Choir. Friends. Self. The delicate balance has been disrupted and my emotions wildly swing once again. How can I? To think I had promised a very important person in my life that I'd never do this again. I promised never to induce self-inflicted pain or cower before the darkness upon me... because I had loved him. Yeah. I dare to say this. Easily even the sharp eyes of my parents may be seeing this. But I do admit that I had loved someone with my heart in my fifteen years of my life. No doubt I love the people around me too, family, friends... But that person was important to me to. And I believed, whether it was true or not, that he felt that way too. And because of that, I gave my word. It became our 'yakusoku'...

But I'm without him anymore...

Things just went off too early I guess... And now without his support, I'm falling apart again. But this time round, I roughly know how to pick up the pieces as how he had shown me. And I will pull through, I guess. But now I'm succumbing to my own fears again, and the tears don't stop. They just cascade down my face, never relenting, emotions pouring down my face, never stopping... Why? I had vowed to never cry again. Never to cry for such abominable reasons, never to weep for things so tiny and useless in my life. But they don't stop. And there's no one around who can understand my pain. Nobody's there, even if I try to explain, not a soul I know can feel it, not many have experienced it as I do (my peers I mean)

Why?

What bad karma have I attained in my past life to deserve this?

So be it. I don't know how, but I will survive... I must. For it is my will which I must attain, which I must achieve... But... Do I have that strength? When will the tears stop? How I wish I could be devoid of emotion... never to feel again... but if that were the case, I wouldn't be fulfilling my dreams...

Let it loose.

Rawr

2007-04-09T18:56:00.000+08:00

I feel so bogged down by so many things nowadays... It's frightening how I keep dreaming of catastrophes and apocalypses... Destruction... Blood... damage to the earth... So many horrid things... I don't even dare to sleep anymore.

Of course sometimes the odd dream comes by with a pleasant surprise here and there. At least I feel better, even if it means I'm smooching some guy I don't even know in the dream (yeah come on! It's just a dream! And at least I feel loved!)

What dreams do you have?

They can mean alot of things. And recently I've been dreaming a lil about choir. Coz SYF mahh!!!

But I don't see this face in each of the dreams involving choir. A face is missing somehow. A very important one. Ok, not me, I see things thrid person perspective in my dream so I know. But this person's kinda important. Well, I don't know how important to the choir, but of some significance in my life now. Where's this person? Why don't I see him/her? (I'll leave you people to guess whether the person's male or female. Maybe hermaphrodite xD)

Whatsoeva. But it bodes ill. I feel it. My dreams have always tried to tell me things which i more often than not try to ignore. It has already predicted too many things that I rather not count. And I fear that this time round, this person might really disappear from my life. I can't really say I will miss the darn human being coz I'm not that close to him/her, but... I don't know. But I don't want bad things to happen again. Already the people around me have come into contact with my 'kaasu'. But why should they? I don't understand what the forces of the universe have in store for me.
But I want to triumph. I will win this battle, even if it means it'll be the last battle I fight in this lifetime...
I wonder what happens when one dies. We're just a bunch of molecules and compounds if you people haven't noticed. So when we die it's just a matter of stopping in our tracks. Literally. But if that's the case, then all consciousness doesn't exist, does it?

Then what exactly drives our body into work? What makes our beings able to communicate to each other?

Clean my insides...

2007-04-09T18:29:00.000+08:00

I feel so... dirt-ridden...

It's weird how one accumulates so much rubbish in the mind, and so many precious bits of information. But what do you get? A brain full of crap. Yeah so that's how I feel now.

I feel full of disgusting crap. Memories and memories of my past circle round my head like flies attracted to dung... They whirl round me... My true path. Where is it now? What am I doing? Who am I to have such dreams? Why do I have such dreams? Why must I have such dreams? Why do I want to fulfil them? Do I have to power to fulfil such dreams?

Like the 1st paragraph of my compo 'Flight', "Even when the prayers of the heartbroken are bathed in tears... When are the actually answered?" I found it kind of pathetic... The compo I meant. Only got 20/30 for it. Just one more mark! Mr. Samuie could've been more critical actually. Then I would move forward further.

But will I ever reach the throes of those english powerhouses in my class? He believes I can get my target, but I have doubts. Do I really have such ability? Or was he just being sarcastic. But I am thankful that someone believes in me. That is more than enough. even if they were just lies, those lies sound good. and I don't care if they are lies. So Long as it can become my driving force it doesn't matter where those praises are coming from... I will strive!

I really really doubt I can be true to myself. Day in day out, I look at my masks once more. I try to make sense of my self, my world, other's opinions, and of course, my mind and soul. Apparently, conditons were already not right for me to do what I want to do. But forcing it just made things worse. They called me a lunatic. They said I wanted to play 'Jesus'. But I'm no Christian or Catholic. But... truly somewhere in my heart, I want to fulfil this dream. Leave my mark on this earth in this world...

Oh. Maybe I was just being too naive. How can me, tiny little me, expect to make a change anywhere at all? Pathetic little me. Devoid of any leadership qualities. Not even daring to speak up when things seem wrong. I can't even do a darn thing for my class. Is this me? Is this how thinga are meant to be?

Bleh.

I proudly proclaimed for the 1st time in my life on Sports Day '07 my true dream. Perhaps no one took notice, but never mind. I never, NEVER dared to reveal it to anyone. Up to date that is. But since no one took note, no harm done, right?

Until now, not anyone I know knows it. Perhaps the more perceptive ones have already guessed why I'm going the manga way. Anyone guessed yet? No. Okay. Fine. But it doesn't matter. I don't wanna face the same humiliation from people close to me. Therefore I will keep my true dream a secret. Besides, the conditions I require for it to happen is preposterous. I'd have to alter my self. And anyway, having the desire to be of such has already done things to my body. Now, I no longer know exactly where's my place. I don't fit among the girls and their giggly cliques. Neither do I fit with the group of humans called the opposite sex. So what the heck can a poor weirdo like me do?

Draw.

Guess there's not much I can do. I will just silently draw, silently... silently... Until I attain what my will has taught me to do... then my job on this earth is done. And I can leave, with no regrets.

But... Am I up to it?

Fleeing the fluorescent lights

2007-04-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... New CPU... Vista too... What the...

It feels kind of different. Wrong, it IS different.
The keyboard's new too. And the computer's as clean as a newborn baby's bottom. Well, actually newborn babies have blood on their bottoms...

Still installing Windows Live Messenger now... Still thinking of ways to transfer data from one CPU to another... Duh, I'm a computer noobie!

Lol.

Got a new handphone today *yippee!* It's Sony Ericsson. Yay. Music composers rock. Nothing better to do, so I punched in some snazzy beats and whoa la, a ringtone. Pretty lame one though. So long as it rings and I hear it, I guess...

Took a photo of a long legged insect thingy, now stuck in my room's light. It molested me a few times (lol). It's stringy, long, winged and loves the lights. It's gonna be toasted in another hour or so... Why? The lights in my house are round and like little inverted domes. And unfortunately for lost bees and moths, it proves a real dangerous hazard. Once they get in, the only way out is through the searing heat (for them and for our poor delicate hands) of the fluorescent lamp and out the gap. Most insects don't get past that gap after getting in. And I can safely say 99.9% never get out alive, and accumulate in the dome... decomposing... but not turning into soil...

Poor bugs. Thank heavens I'm not one of them.

But I feel kind of like that way now too. I'm helpless to the searing heat of the lamp. I can either wait for the lamp to be switched off and cooled down, or I can force my way through and risk burning to death. But I don't have much patience. I'm already stuck in an alien environment (well, not really, just draining), and I really, really want to get out.

Hell. Something clashed with Windows Live Msgr and now I can't open the damn thing.

Apparently, the flying apparatition has just disappeared. Maybe it died or it escaped and flew out of the window...

Whatever it is. I can't say I'm very happy now. Kinda bogged down by so many things at one go. The end of secondary life is yet to be, but it looks like the end for me already. Can I bear the brunt of it? SA1 will be my last stand... At the rate I'm going, I doubt I can surpass my class in Chemistry. But I must. I will prove to my teachers that Chemistry isnt the weakest subject of our level. I must somehow. Even though it's my poorest science, but I will... I will do it!

But.. Do I have enough willpower to make it happen? And what if I still can't do it even though I've put in my 100%?

Ohmigawd... What am I gonna do???

Whatsoeva. Gotta wake up early again for morning sectionals. Hope I can do a better job as an SL. Coz soon, I won't be doing it anymore.. And I don't wanna let the last few jobs of mine be the worst...

And let my voice soar!

2007-04-05T21:34:00.000+08:00

I feel so freeeeeeeee....

Today in choir, I actually felt happy. For the first time in so many years, I smiled. A proper, genuine smile. Not a forced one, nor a social propiety. It was really a smile I just couldn't wipe off my face. And of course lots of laughing. Hey. This is weird... Something is so wrong with me.

For some time now I'd always thought our choir lacked the spirit somewhats, and I didn't know how to bring it out in our choir. You see, choir's about telling a story (yeah, Ms Yee always says tt) But ever since the day I joined choir, my purpose was this: I wanted to express myself, I wanted to release myself of emotion through the songs...

But it wasn't a very smooth ride. Sec 2 woes, SL woes, even till now... And today, my petals have fallen. Well, wrong analogy... I think. But 'petals fallen' meaning my burden has been lifted. Erm. Words can't describe my feelings now. It's like my purpose in joining the choir has finally reached the rest. Oh, I was moved to tears. Except I didn't really cry, but I was real happy.

I don't know what's wrong with me! *super huge grin*

But at least, at least finally my wish has come true. I hope BBSS choir will sing with more life in the future... Go on choir! Thanks for making my life so much better! If not for you guys... I doubt I could've lived through the 4 years! Lol I sound like I'm going 2 die or smth...

But really. The only times I really smiled (of coz with my bestie too!) were with choir. It was with choir me n my buds all played fools of ourselves and had fun. And made fun of each other. And cried together sometimes... But I enjoyed it throughly coz I never had such good friends in primary school. And my sec sch buds... Are simply the best!

I can't really bear to think about it. After 4 years, and you're asking me to leave?

I didn't really want to go to BBSS initially. Hated the school, hated myself for being so lousy... But now? I feel so sad sometimes, looking at our school building... Thinking about the happy and the sad... So many memories... So much time spent in the building I've known as my second home...

But it's not really a very good home either, for alot of us...

So. What is my purpose in this school? What can I do for my fellow BBSSians?
I don't know. And recently, I've noticed one of my friends caught in a mess. I don't know to what extent, but he looks very sad. Although usually you see him smiling away with his 'qian da' face, actually I find his form a little disconcerting... I don't really know what he's thinking, and I don't know whether he'll accept my help.. Coz I really want him to be able to fulfil his dream. He should not stay in an environment that will impede his progress...

But can I help him?

I don't know. He might just read this and avoid me like crazy. Who knows?
But if he does, I wanna shout it here. I wanted to talk to him initially but I don't dare to. And although in the beginning I kinda mistook my feelings toward him for romance, but I sorted it out. And I understand now =) He kinds of give me the feeling that he's like a long-lost brother, and I really really really am not joking or anything. Really! i don't really understand why I get so concerned over him either...
I hope he knows who he is... lols? I hope.
Will you let me help you?
Because I care...

Unlock the heart

2007-04-02T15:38:00.000+08:00

Okay... So heavy sia.. all e books from school I lugged back.
There were so many books left out at the lockers outside the canteen I wish I could take 'em all. Especially the ones with pictures of machines n aircrafts in it. But only 'choped' about 8 books (1 very big one I left in school xD)

Lately I'd been thinking of my previous comic ideas and why they actually stop without a trace. I figured it must've been the lack of planning that led the comic to a dead end. There's a head and a tail but the body's gone somewhat missing... MaYybe an occasional finger or toenail but otherwise, the thing just stops midway...

So I've been planning!

But I don't know how to draw mecha AS USUAL... Like my physics, my mecha drawing is either pathetic to the max or floating above in the sky in all its glory (yeah, floating ashes more likely.)
Bother.

How am I gonna draw my mech then? I have to draw spirit worlds and different dimensions too! Bother.

Never mind all that. Can anyone out there teach me? Lol. Can visualise, can't draw it out. Typical of all beginner artists (or even people like me... I'm no pro either.)

And I wonder to myself today: Am I doing the right thing?

Thinking about certain things of the past made me wonder... Did this relationship have any chance of occuring in the first place? I don't know... But I had thought for some time, and realised that there was something missing.

'Yakusoku'

There wasn't any promise of sorts. Nothing tangible, or even memorable. Nothing said. So what chance did it have of going on? The Probability formula states it's ZERO. No favourable event to speak of. 0/5 is still zero. 0/100 is also still zero. 0 divided by a million, will still be zero. Even Zero divided by One is Zero. The conditions aren't there. Therefore, the favourable event cannot and never will happen...

Perhaps things will never be. Oh shucks, the metal's melting away... No...
Gotta go freeze it again or something.

And 'yakusoku' is a very important thing in a relationship. Now I know that. Without it, the relationship is like a wooden model without its glue. It won't hold for very long...

Whatsoever here is the grand madamemoiselle crapping her ass off again...

Can anyone out there help me?

I feel very lost...

Feel like crying...

Yet the tears can't come out...

I have forgotten how is it like to cry...

The wrong Bloom...

2007-04-01T10:30:00.000+08:00

Okay... This morn I really exploded...

My underwear's got it, my pants got it, luckily my bedsheets got nought (or my entire morning would've been gone clearing the mess!) Time and time again I've been outwitting that part of my body which I had detested so much for the past 15 years, and it had to give me a surprise of a liquid bloom today. Fantasticus infinitum (lol it's not Latin xD)

Ohhhh gaawwwddd am I THAT stressed???

I mean, for my entire school life I have been stressed in and out. But it has never come to a point where my body had to break down on me... I never coughed up blood in lower sec (except when the once-a-year sore throat came about... always on CNY!) Then again, usually I don't. The bane of the month never got this irregular despite the fact my body's been still adjusting at that time. I'm stable now! Aren't I not??? (maybe not mentally...) Then my lungs and throat had to break down on me in sec 3... and down went my descant title (lol, I didnt expect to get it in e 1st place, but who cares now?) Migraines became more commonplace in upper sec, and as I thought it gotten better at the end of sec 3, the throbbings have gotten more frequent and worse...

And now, this.

I can proudly proclaim to the world that I'm officially stressed and my body can't take it at all.

Help?

Worthless casing which houses my soul, can't you giddy up already? I'd love to tell that to my body. But I know I have my limitations and I can't work like a robot. Yet I wish I could. All that time spent sleeping to recharge could've been used to do some other things. And maybe my comic would have been out and ready for publishing in a few month's time. Yeaaahhh I wish...

Maybe I just am not taking care of my casing well enough. Or the stress is just getting to me and my body's showing signs of destruction. As Ms Yee always says, "Either you self-activate or self-destruct." And the polarity's going on 'self-destruct'...

Ohhh my sister just mentioned it. It's April Fools' today. Hahahaha... So my body decided to give me a cruel joke this morning...

Never mind. I better go get a proper breakfast XDXDXD

Running for eternity

2007-03-31T22:09:00.000+08:00

Where's my head?

In repulsive s****...

I'm seriously losing it.

Yet I'm still alive. How?

Maybe coz s**** kept my body together. And oil. And dead skin flakes. (and numerous other grisly stuff I wont mention...)

Woe is one whose brains are leaked out and on the trodden ground...

Yeah and spinal cord trailing from the gap above my head.
I feel so lost...

School life is getting more and more difficult each day. I can't say I wasn't expecting this, but I'm not coping very well either. What's more with choir in the way. There's definitely happy times and sweet times in it all, but hard trying times too. I can't even see my finishing line and yet here I am panting and puffing like a broken down locomotive.. What is WRONG with me???

It's like my 2.4km running for the NAFTA test. I run and I run and I run. Less than a lap out of 2 and a half laps, I'm already gasping for breath and my chest is sucked in and scrunched tight like a bear crushing a salmon's guts, with blood spewing of course. My legs are ready and geared up anytime, but my respiratory system fails me. Woe betide, I manage to pass. But a mere pass? What's the use? What's the glory in that? Who gives a damn? Who will remember it anyway?

It's the same with life I guess. Right now I'm falling over every single stone I tread on. Schoolwork, choir, friendships and relationships alike, teacher-student relationships, responsibilites, and myself.

My junior told me her PE teacher said that listening to music while running helps. And she said her timing went down by 2 mins. Not bad. Maybe I should try that too. Maybe then I can reach my goal of 15mins n below for my 2.4...

But can I find that driving force in my life?

So far, I've only got family behind me. And then more recently, my friends, although I don't know the extent which I can trust them. But I'm happy with the way things turn out. I guess..

But I don't think they are all strong enough to push me forward. So far. But could it be that it's me who's pulling myself back?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Oh whateva it is. I just hope I can pull through and survive. And bloom as the flower in adversity... Rafflesia!!! Nice wad! Stinky n repulsive like s****...

I wanna run further. This isn't the length I'm running. I'm very sure. But... Can I complete this race? And attain the glory I seek to reach?

Where's the Garden?

2007-03-23T17:42:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I put that song up.

It's the song "Garden of Everything", by Maaya Sakamoto and Steve Conte. Apparently Maaya is also the singer of the ending songs for 'Tsubasa Chronicles'. She has a really sweet voice... This song's pretty much poetic in nature... And it's sad too. My mentor at SP sent this song to me, and slowly it just grows on me. (I prefer calling her mentor coz we were calling 'em that back at SP for the IP camp '06!)

Here's the lyrics:

Here you are
Daylight star
Made out of miracles

Perfection of your own
You alone
Oh, so incredible

Each atom sings to me
Set me free
From chains of the physical
Oh free me
Oh free me

The mirror melts
I'm somewhere else
Inside eternity
Where you on outstretched wings
Sing within
The garden of everything

Where memories call to me
Backward dreams?
Or phantom reality?
Call to me
They call to me

*And so here we are
Lovers of lost dimensions
Burning supernovas of all sound and sight
Every touch, a temptation
And for every sense, a sensation

Eyes of pure
Deep azure
Quite unbelievable
The sun's daughter
You've been made
Not to fade
Quite inconceivable

Each atom sings to me
Set me free
From chains of the physical
Oh free me
Oh free me

A love like ours
A starry flower
Through seasons and centuries
As rivers reach the sea
You'll reach me
With songs of your symmetry

A small boat
There will float
To far off coasts
The Isle of Infinity
Come with me
Come with me

Here we'll see
Love's lost tree
Made out of miracles
Emotions crystal leaves
To cover me
And you in eternity

Each atom sing to us
Through the blood
"Love is a miracle"
Sings softly
It sing softly

* repeat

And so here we are
Twin stars of brilliant brightness
Lanterns lit by life for all the depths of night
And every day will return us
To arms of the ever eternal

And so here we are
So far from earthly orbits
Burning supernovas of all sound and sight
Where every day will return us
To arms of the ever eternal

Isn't it a beautiful song?

My life's whirling round like a hurricane, things bombarded at me at an overwheming rate... Sometimes all I want is to sit somewhere quietly and stare at nature, revel in its beauty, absorb its wonders into me... But I sooo had to be born in such a phase of time, wherever I look I only see buildings, maybe a few trees, but it's different if I go elsewhere. Like the rice field we saw during the Johor Trip. I couldn't help but sigh in its wonders; the wonder of life. So green and lush, so fresh and full of vitality. Even after the floods, things could still get back on track for the farmers, and we see the fruit of their labour with our very eyes...

It's just sad. How people (some of 'em) treat the earth. And although technology is an advancement, does it really help us or destroy us? Like the computer which I use with to type now, it's consuming energy every single second. And where does it come from? Fossil fuels, likely. And how do we get the fuels? Digging. Mining. Destruction of natural habitats likely too. Pollution. And that's just for obtaining fuels to power the stuff we all take for granted. What about other things?

Ouch.

If there's such thing as a life after death, I hope I can go to some other world where the beings there care and although exploit, ensure that their planet does not suffer the way ours does. Then perhaps, my soul will be content, and maybe less tormented.

OHHHH wadeva!

Gotta go study for the various tests of the week, and actually, for the year. I'd better stop blogging my crap here for some time. Mayb after the O's I'll blog like there's no tomorrow...

To dip a heart in molten steel

2007-03-20T23:23:00.000+08:00

Raindrops fell upon my face.

Sent ym to the bus stop after doing the english project, which was a little overdue. Finally, with pathetic recordings and a few re-records we finished it. I can't say I'm pleased with the result. Turns out I sound horrid on playback. Actually I've always sounded horrid, just that I needed something to blast it at me before I can admit it.

I feel so empty inside. An empty shell, fragile and easily smashed. My feelings have died, or rather, I'm killing them with metal. Molten steel is my weapon of choice. I have severed my heart with my bare hands, ripping the aorta and pulmonary arteries, crushing the veins, and drowning it in the metal. That's the pain I'm feeling now (or the delusion which I've set upon myself)

If only I were a cold-blooded creature of the night, talking to no one, unreceptive to anyone. No words could make me falter, no actions would move me. But I am a human being, set forth to live on this whirling sphere of madness called the Earth. I see the sights humans see, hear the sounds humans hear, breathing the same air that has been around for eons, drinking the water which sustains our lives. I also feel as humans do, unfortunately.

What is the point of having feelings when you'd get hurt from them? Wouldn't it be better if one could not feel? Then one would be safe; one would never be hurt by a mere phrase or sentence. One would feel nought when being pushed down a flight of stairs, or jabbed in the stomach by a table, or hit in the face by a football.. Or slapped, punched, kicked, tightly held in vice...

The rain's heavier now.

I guess I can't do anything, can I? I don't trust people easily, neither do I expect anyone at all in this whole wide world to trust me. Such is society, such is myself. But it's lonely. And I'm feeling ever so lost now. Lost in my thoughts, lost looking for my destiny, lost trying to find love... But love isn't easily tangible (Sherrie said it before -- on a V-day gift~ so sweet of her), my search could well go on into my next life, and the next, and the next... (if there is reincarnation at all)

But how I wish I wasn't a female. There would be so many things possible for me to do if I were a guy. At the very least, I could help continue the family line (ehehehe... but it's practical isn't it?) And I would do so much more than what I do now. I can't say I'm not happy with who I am. But I'm not satisfied either. The desire to be a member of the opposite sex has triggered many weird results, both physical and psychologically.

It's DUMB.

I can't say I'm totally lesbian or something (if my mentality is that of a guy, I would fall in love with a gal, isn't that right?) But I don't mind being one xD I've so many doubts about myself and my character that even the simplest n smallest step for nuturing a relationship is exaggerated... Traditionally gals aren't supposed to ask guys out. My take is that if you like someone and wait forever for him to open his mouth, you waste your time. And he might not even have the same feelings of affection towards you. Rejection is also another problem, which I find most gals cant handle. I'm cool though. It's a huge surprise if anyone, not to mention a member of the opposite sex, would even appreciate and accept me for who I am...

And of course, being a guy seems like alot of fun. Besides the stress in looking 'cool' or keeping a reputation (which I don't even give a damn), guys seem to enjoy life better than gals. Well, better than me I guess.

Enough crap talk. My eyes are about to fall from its sockets. I don't wanna lose the humour in me... Biology students get it?

Oh by the way, I drew a pic of a gal/guy dripping a human heart in molten steel. Should be female. She's got boobies.

Burning of hopes

2007-03-13T18:17:00.000+08:00

It's pretty sad...

Today at choir, everyone was so noisy at one go. Bel broke down n cried. So did YQ... And I shouted at the choir too. 1st time raise my voice like hell broke loose...

Lol that's not what I was sad about!

Things got better later on. Ms Yee nearly slaughtered me n jie for going off n forgetting that we had to hear the auditions... Oh dear.

Auditions auditions auditions... I'm so sick of them.

Speaking of which, the organisers will ring me tomorrow if I have passed the auditions for the Teen Star... Hell... Hell...

Why is my life such a disaster?

I don't know what went wrong this time round. No, I've never had any idea about anything... My existence is not of any significance to anyone... Even my close friends are not that close. Although I beg to differ for my choir buds, they still arent the kind of friends I'm looking for.

Then what?

I'm looking for a person who may not fully understand my feelings and emotions, but yet has the patience to listen to me, do whatever he/she can do in any way to try and comfort me... Someone who may not necessarily be there to comfort me when I'm down, but in our hearts our link is so strong that we know we will be there for each other... Someone who will lift me from my prison, release me from my steel-bound wings, and allow me to flourish and fly. Someone, who will in effect, CARE about me, regardless of whether we're together or apart.

But who?

I've had met such a person before. But I didn't treasure this person as I should have. Now, all that's within me are the empty silence of the memories... Resonating within my head...

It's probably just fated.. Perhaps it just was too early... And now, finding such a friend again is... just too difficult. It's like searching for one elusive shell (maybe a few) among the thousands or millions of shells lying on the beaches of the world. And the shell you're looking for may still be in the ocean...

No wonder when Nico (One Piece) said she didn't want to go out to sea as she would be lonely, she was right. But she found 6 trusty 'nakama' whom she could depend on...

Life is just so sad... For me that is... My boat will never settle upon the shore it seeks...

When will I find my saviour again?

Ending the flow

2007-03-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

It's OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow... I feel very very very relieved...
Went for the auditions today... OH GAWD! The contestants there rock like hell!
One girl was singing like it was almost nothing to her. Like it was natural. Ohhh how I wish I could sing like that... But I've got no guts.

Some suggested for me to go for the Campus Superstar auditions...

NO WAY.

I've got enough of auditions!

Me and Joy were pretty nervous at the waiting area... So were the others. There was a cute malay guy from SP who had to take leave from his job to audition for the Teen Star. He sings nice too... Now what was his name... Starts with E n ends with Q... Bother.

Joy rocks. She rocks. I will be kicked out of the auditions like there's no tomorrow... Me, Joy and this malay guy were cracking all sorts of lame jokes... When I'm nervous I make jokes like I'm some comedienne. Somehow when a person's charged with adrenaline, you think better (yeah, metal alertedness... We learnt THAT in bio...)

I don't know if I can get it through to the prelim rounds... But if I do, I can laugh in Mr. Samuie's face *turns to see if Mr. Samuie is looking* Lol... I was thinking of torture devices while waiting for my turn to be auditioned... Heheheehehe...

It's kind of dumb. The judges actually asked me to sing the Japanese song I wanted to sing (big mouth lor, say wad wanted to sing jap song one... Lol) I don't know what they thought of it as they only said thank-you after I was done with 'Pride'. I seriously dunno how good my standards are...

I WANT THE MONEY!

Lol.

But as I said in my self-intro to the judges, which is very true, I am looking for an outlet for my intellect. I draw, sing, write... compose music and poems occasionally... It's all the same. I want to express myself through an outlet.. Many different outlets... But yet, I am never easily satisfied. Like singing a song, I don't usually sing it to relax (except for the occasional squeaky eerie falsettos I put on with my sisters or friends for humour). Singing, to me, helps you to come to terms with yourself (as what I said to YF). It allows you to discover your feelings through song and verse, and of course the beat plays a part. So, singing is an art. Likewise for writing and drawing. They all consume pretty large amounts of creative energy...

But for now, I'm just too drained and emotionally hurt to squeeze out any more of my creative juices for work. I'm tired. Just too tired. There's no life left in me already... My heart's been stolen a long time ago... And the thief won't return it either. It's probably shredded to bits and lying somewhere in the Singapore River...

Lol...

Enough for today. I am sooo going to sleeeeeepppppp and sleeeeeeeppppp... But what will I dream of?

How I wish I could dream of a prospective partner... in crime! Lol.

Love is still a far-off dream for me. Neither am I interested anymore...

Final Verse

2007-03-11T21:28:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow's the day...
The mere thought of it sends chills down my spine, bringing my blood flow into frantic speeds, and squeezing my chest tightly like a screwed up vice of doom...

OH MY GAWD HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE?!?!?!

I've listened to the song on my mp3, on online-streaming websites, on my WMP... Hell, I'd bet I've listened to it at least 50 times... The play count for the song on my WMP is 33 times... That's 11 times a day on average... excluding the play count on my mp3 player and such.

The song reverberates in my mind like a haunting memory... It won't go away. That's good. I hope it won't. That way, my mind would just be flooded with the song when my turn comes. Then I wouldn't get nervous. No, in fact I would only be focused on the song and nothing but the song. So I'm holding on to its every drumbeat, its every verse, its every tune and meaning... Altogether, these make up the song...

I've never felt this passionate towards an English song before. It's true I'm sure. Music is universal, no matter what language or genre. Each piece, if performed to its best and charged with the writer's intended emotions, will soundly sway the minds of the listeners' to its powerful meaning(s)...

Is anything holding me back? I'm not sure. But I must find out and rid myself of these locks.

What to wear? Check. Foundation? Check. Lip gloss (to soothe my chapped lips)? Check. Mp3 player? Check. Lyrics written down? Check. Self-esteem? Erm...

I really don't know... I guess since I've opted to take the plunge, it's time I stood up and revved up for the game. But it's scary. I darent face up to my fears...

But...

Ohhh stupid girl! Wake up already!!!
You chose this path... Walk already, if not run!

Ok talking to myself doesn't really help...

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul...

That's not who I am. I'm sure.

So... here I go...

Bidding blood to run

2007-03-10T20:04:00.000+08:00

My com's a little like a human with failing kidneys... One speaker doesnt seem to work... But the sound's still pretty powerful... Gotta check its connections later... Lols

I decided to challenge Mr. Samuie. How dare he say I'm a quitter! Lol. But he's right. I've gotta sit up and wake up to my fears. Sooner or later I will have to face them. His four simple words gave me a wake up call. "I've been sleeping for a thousand years it seems!" Time to wake up. Thanks Mr. Samuie~ (lol if he ever reads this...)

I've chosen another song to sing for the auditions... Learnt it within a day... Listened to it 20+ times ytd... It's the closest song I know of that reflects my inner self now... Guess? It's english, yeah, and I've already stated a part of its lyrics.

But I'm not sure if I can carry it off. I plan to do it a capella so in case I go off tempo I won't get faulted. But I'm not sure... I'm scared I will go off-key... Ms Yee mentioned today about 'perfect-pitch' people. I always internalize my notes and I usually don't go off-key unless under stress or if forced to... Is that considered it? Not boasting, but if I am such a person it'll give me an added advantage in the upcoming auditions...

Wow. It's just an audition and I'm fretting over all manners of things... Wear what? Put what make-up? Probably just some foundation (actually I might need alot.) and maybe a lil lip balm with colour. Make me look pale xD lol...

Aaahhh!!! How???? Lol...

It's not even the actual day but I'm already as nervous and as anxious than ever before. My heart races like galloping horses thundering over a rocky cliff seeming to fall... By just thinking about it!
Oh Heaven help me...

I met this guy from my senior's class. Somehow although I didnt know him very well, except that he takes 178 like me and he's in Maria's class, I could talk to him like as if I knew him for a long time. I guess I just needed some one to talk to. He said I should smile more. Or is it? And he said I shouldn't look so depressed all the time... Yeah I guess that's true. Perhaps it takes someone you don't really know to point out where you've failed yourself. But it was good talking to him. Relieved quite a big load off my back after chatting with him. I can never achieve that level of conversation with most of my peers. At least, most of my peers (classmates for example) may never understand or know how to listen to my troubles. Haiz...

But unlike the song, I still haven't found my saviour... Or maybe I have, but he's only pulled me out of the dark, and now... I don't know how my saviour is. It's really cruel, how the passing of time pulls two people apart. I don't know whether he's coping in school, or if he's totally forgotten me, or if he's still thinking of me. But I doubt it. I'm not worth his memories... He shouldn't have to remember the girl who dragged him down along into the darkness... I don't "know what I'm without", neither has anyone ever truly understood me...

The quest continues...

I don't know who I am through other's eyes. I have worn so many different masks, I don't even know who I am anymore. All I know is I've tried very hard to drop them, but the confusion has already consumed me... And it's confusing my friends around me too, I think. Even new people I meet, I often end up pulling on one of my masks, to hide my low self-esteem or to hide my mental states... And nothing ever goes well. I don't know why I feel so horrid. I wish I could look into a clear, untainted mirror, which will reflect the true me... And then perhaps, perhaps I can unleash what really is me... Or I'll self-destruct (Ms Yee's 'phrase of the week', or so she claims)

I would always look into a mirror, looking hard at myself. Exactly what is this being standing before me? What purpose is it of mine here? Why do I feel so confused and mixed up inside?

So many questions left unanswered... Left hanging in the air, like sickening skulls covered in blood, speared and hung with shreds of blood-stained rope... I don't know anything anymore...

Teen Star? Not.

2007-03-07T17:39:00.000+08:00

Recently, I submitted a form for the Teen Star competition for the... CDC? (ummm I think...)

Checked the website. No details.

When do I make an appearance? No details.

What now? No idea. Neither does Mr. Samuie... No idea if he knows too, forgot to ask him about it...

Seriously, is it a good idea to go at all?

And what song to sing?

Ahhh... My ghost comes to haunt me again. Fear of the stage. Ironic, when I'm actually a choir member. Being up onstage with a group of people is one thing. Going solo is another matter entirely. Am I prepared at all? Nah. What am I doing this for? It's more of challenging myself to push the limits... Well, there's also the attractive $3k if I win... Hehe... If I ever win that is...

Why do I demean myself?

Lack of self-esteem? Yeah, fair enough. Lack of courage? No idea. Likely the problem though...
And I still don't know if it's a good idea singing Japanese songs. Though I love 'em but I don't know if others will, and most importantly, can I carry them off?

I've already got a song in mind, the very same one I sung for the GUSTO auditions... But I still lack power in terms of expressing the song's true meaning. Why?

Is it the lack of lustre in my life now? Or is it the fact I'm already physically drained and not as energetic as my peers anymore? Or is it that I have given up even before the battle's fought?

I once told a friend this too. But here I am displaying the same demeaning behaviour.

AAAAAHHHH!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

*shoves brain aside*

So many things happening in my pathetic life now. One wonders how I might even survive the O levels, much less the other challenges in life... My dreams, my goals, my hopes etcetera... And feelings gush in like tsunamis flooding the coast of my brain, overtaking my natural course of daily life, swallowing my sanity, making me doubt if I am still me...

Who am I now?

I don't recognise myself anymore... Like the song I have chosen, I am lost and waiting for a sign... Believing there will be a sign out from the darkness now that I'm lying in... A desperate prayer... A lost soul in search of a purpose to go on... The person I looked at in the mirror 5 years ago is not me anymore... I don't know whether to thank the heavens for giving me this wisdom I have achieved in such a mere timespan, but yet the two windows adorning my face already show sign of wear, and so is the body I now reside in... Already I am succumbing to forces I have no idea of, and my form weakens each day. I do not know what is eating me inside, but it's painful...

But I've grown. That's definite. And there's no way of reversing it. I have to accept it. Yet it seems so sad as I see my peers enjoying things I don't know how to enjoy, and I'm alone... I haven't felt more alone in a long time. It seems like I'm shut off from the rest in my classroom... I don't know, I just feel like that. No one's really interested in talking to me, and I don't mind. But it's painful...

It's weird how some of my friends are going through stages of their life which I've already gone through. It's like as my internal clock is running a year or two faster than them in some ways, maybe more. But all the more it makes it sadder, because no one relates to my situation. And it seems that I will sink down again...

Mrs. Liu talked about her relationship with her husband for CME... Which made me think twice about saying I would die before I get married... But, will I ever find someone who can accept me for who I am?

I don't know... I really don't know anything anymore...

February ends

2007-03-03T17:50:00.000+08:00

It's been soooooooooo long since I last posted something on my blog... ahhhh!!!!

So many changes.

So many problems.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh...

It's raining again. It's always raining or thundering. The same goes for my life. Let's pretend my existence is a little planet on its own... The planet's going through the same stages as of Earth in its very early years, millions of years ago... Volcanic eruptions, thunderstorms, not a hint of life. Lightning flashes, murky skies... Undesirable, isnt it?
Though I really hope this little planet will someday bloom into life... But that day, is far far away, just like how it took millenia to create the world we live in...

Sigh.

The common test alone and some other things have already gotten me emotionally and physically drained... And to think, its just a common test, and I'm on the verge of losing the will to live. And I get up and smack myself... Cheeryl! How can you crumble under this kind of pressure? How will you survive the O's at this rate?

Sigh.

I don't understand. Maybe I'm entering 'the midnight phase' again. It's gonna be a heck of a ride which I won't remember even 30% of the details. Even after the previous phase, I still can't really recall the pieces. Only mementos from that time is a cross shaped scar on my left arm and a shattered cup... And even I don't understand fully why I did it.

It's March now. Holidays coming, SYF to prepare for, more tests to study for, more hurdles to cross. Unlikely is my holidays going to be any sort of holiday, unless you count maybe short trips to J.B. or outings to the beach or the park... Which isnt too bad either.

Why am I writing all this? I don't know.

But definitely there is a more pressing problem at hand.. Yes, one friend of mine knows. The only way I can describe the problem is in this way. There's a seed I've planted. It grows, and when it's about to bloom, I set it alight.. But yet, I don't know if the flower is even there. The burning of an invisible flower... Sad.

So do I raise the torch or do I douse the flames?
That's my pressing dilemna...

I really don't know...

Johor Trip

2007-02-11T14:45:00.000+08:00

GYYAAAHHH!!!
Wanted to post this on Sunday, but got interrupted by my siblings n dad... Yeap, it's about the Johor trip...

Let's see...

Woke up in the morning at 5 (earlier than my maid!) Didnt feel in the least out of sync. Took a bath, dilly-dallied abit... Then ate some breakfast and drunk Milo. Called Youngmin at about 5.40 and met her at the bus stop to take 176.. All so excited!

We assembled at the concourse to get the stuff like worksheets (which most of us didnt even do in the end...) Then my friends had to get white cards (immigration) Cheryl had to rewrite it 3 times... And I ended up writing it 4 her (ta boleh tahan wor...)
We got a green bus! Yay! Lol. Sat with Capt. K, Cheryl a.k.a. BanShee Mun (ehheheh... don't kill me!) Youngmin and the Ferret (Jerald... okok don't kill me!) There were auto-machines for us M'sians to use. So fun~ You had to put the passport in a holder and scan your thumbprint.. And then you're done! Kitman got stuck there for awhile... lols.. then she scanned again and was free..
Bus ride was pretty entertaining, with Mr. Samuie and his commentaries... The guide was equally thick-skinned.. But it was fun anyway. They played the movie 'Baby's Trip Out' for the restless ones like me. Although I'd watched it before it was fun watching it again... So sadistic it is... But fun, coz it doesnt happen to you... xD

We first went to the pewter factory where they smelted the different metals to form pewter. There's 97% tin, and 3% of copper and antimony (exactly how much of copper n antimony is used, im not sure...) There were cute souveniors but I didnt buy any (tight budget)

Then after we went to Sarang Buaya (Crocodile's nest in malay) There's a legend about it... Something about a large crocodile which terrorised the people living there. A white crocodile came and the big crocodile was never seen again. They say it might be a spirit and the white crocodile can only be seen by those pure of heart. Hmmm...

We then headed to the pineapple farm to taste the pineapples... So sweet! So refreshing! Too bad they werent selling any. Guess there isnt enough for them alone. Sad. So I bought some snacks from them instead. Then we went on to see the rubber-tapping and saw many different kinds of crops. We went on to then visit an oil palm small holding and see how they cut the fruit down. Also saw the flowers of the oil palm, took some pictures... Then I caught sight of the weevil (what's its name?) Sooo adorable~! Longish and yeah.. Longish...

We also went to a coconut shell handicraft centre which sold many sorts of products. Keychains, 'fake' plants made out of the shells. Also got to taste some coffee.. All I can say is that it's superbly fresh and sweet... yum! =P Bought a pack back for my papa.

Lunchtime! The food was cooked by the villagers and it didnt taste bad at all. The ondeh-ondeh was sooo chewy n sweet... The syrup just bursts in your mouth... yummy~ Then we visited the Gula Melaka factory. The gula melaka is made from the nectar of the coconut's flower.. the bunches just looks so much like wheat~ the boiling syrup was also a fun sight.. Imagine if someone stuck his tongue there. Ouch. And the end-product was nice.. Yummy~

After that, we went to see the rice fields. I'd had thought with the recent floods, there might not be much to see but boy, the field was flooded in green~ It was a beautiful sight to behold... Ahh... Besides the sweltering sun beating down on our tired bodies...

After that we rode down to the city area where we did some shopping. Food, glorious food... Bought lotsa stuff. Sour prunes, cuttlefish... Yummy~~~!!!

It was a tiring ride back.. Watched the other part of the movie. Just couldnt sleep somehow, despite being very tired. When stopping at the petrol station, I saw the most wondrous sight...
The sunset was... beautiful beyond words. The rays shone through the clouds, giving it a luminous outline, throwing rays of light into the surrounding like an 'auroea borealis' (was the spelling correct? Umm...) But it was fantastic. A pity my camera was out of order.. Battery flat... *sob*

The ride back wasnt that long... Oh I wish it could last a lil longer...

It was a tiring day, but I throughly enjoyed every moment (despite being the 'vampire' I am.. hehehehe...)

Yeah. Kay folks. Nothing much to write now... Gotta prepare some stuffs or I'll be all messed up again...

GUSTO

2007-02-07T22:15:00.000+08:00

AAAAcchhhhOOOO!!!!
sick again... Don't ask why...
Flu...
Tissue...
Dread of the following day's activities...
YAWN...

So many tests... Recently have been sleeping late every night... 11+ was the minimum.. Otherwise it could be later... And I wake up at 5.45 each morning... 6 days a week sleeping late and waking up early... Sometimes hafta wake up n go to the market wif my parents... Woe is my life... So I'm suffering the consequences, no?

Went for the GUSTO auditions today despite my flu and parched throat... They said I sang well ^^ I sung the song 'Pride' from GSD as the song held a very special meaning for me... So I guess the emotionally-charged piece went well with the audience (and they were nuts abt J-pop, according to CP)

Ms Tang asked if I could sing Ayumi's songs.. Hallelugia! Can I sing that? No idea. I've heard her songs n my voice just isn't like hers in any way at all... How the heck am I gonna sing her songs?

Well, she said 'try'

Maybe I'll give it a shot.

Finally... an outlet for my J-pop interest... So happy... AAACCCHHHHHOOOOO!!!!

CHOIR!!!!

2007-01-30T22:02:00.000+08:00

YAY!

Choir was real fun today!

Haha...

Haven't been blogging for some time... Today managed to pull out a teensy weensy inch of my precious time to blog xD But seriously who cares? No one ever really visits my blog anyway... So does it matter?

Today the sec 1's came in for a choir orientation. There were about 7 guys who were shortlisted! Oh joy... finally the choir has more guys.. And I was joking about the results of not having enough guys... Not enough testoterone levels... den our gals will bcum les... =P

We played "Whacko" as an ice-breaking game. At first, mainly it was the boys (new ones) doing the name domination. After awhile, other people were thrown into the game. I personally got whacked 3 times... Clarence a.k.a. 'Cai Ling' got whacked 4 times (hehe I whacked him too) So both of us had to do forfeits: Clarence sung one of Jay Chou's songs... Dun rmb e title eheheh... Then I was made to sing the 1st part of "Reason" which thank heavens i didnt go off-key...
Then we ate some bread which was provided for the choir. After that, the seniors and freshmen took separate trainings (sad... mei mei!!!) The singing standards today was pretty bad... But towards the end saw a better quality... I hope this only happens for today... If not Ms. Yee will gut us all... Grraaahhh!!!

Sec 4 days are getting stressful by the moment... Workload is increasing at an exponential rate... I think. Tests piling, matters to be resolved... A mangled wreck I am...

Well, I guess I've gotta cope. For the vision I have ahead of me I've gotta work hard.

Oh. My dad asked if I wanted to write my short stories in my blog. But there's the possibility some idiot out there in the huge world of cyberspace who might copy my work n publish it... Ouch. So you people out there... Do ya want me to write?

Blurness in the Highest... Lol

2007-01-21T09:54:00.000+08:00

AAAAHHH!!!

After sooo long not using html, my skills have gone seriously haywire...

The last time i touched html was when i played Neopets (and it wasnt very good either... people hu hav nth bettr 2 do can go 2 neopets n check for user yin387)
I really need help mann... Lol... Somehow i just dont like the way my blog has turned out. Until now. I need 2 noe what codes do what, how to put certain stuff up... blahblahblah... ARGH!

To think that I'm still stuck with a irritating sore throat and i'm still bothered by such trivial matters... *sigh*

But soon, I wont have much time to touch my blog. I'm certain.

So I guess I should worry about small things when I can. Coz soon, bigger things'll be coming. And will Blur Queen here be able to handle 'em all? Don't think so. So I gotta train up first =P

Lol...

Gotta go clean up my table. That's another little thing I gotta worry about...

Flag Day~!!!!

2007-01-20T16:38:00.000+08:00

Today was sooo fun!!!

Flag day for the Darul Ihsan Orphanage... *refers to sticker on bag* It's a Muslim organisation... blahblahblah...

We started out at Jurong Library, and then me, Kim hock, Cheryl n Jerald went on to Tiong Bahru area to get people. At first, it was pretty cool (Some saw us a few metres off and already started searching their wallets!) I was kind of reluctant to ask for donations... But going on to Chinatown area, we saw some RV peeps, and the people there were all in a rush so we didnt get alot of donations. Around 10+ Kim hock left to meet with his senior (did I mention today was his birthday? Gave him a card ^^ ...Ya ok i noe im cheapskate ok...) Jerald was sooo damn lucky... Within the 1st hour he got a 10 dollar note...

Later on we took a ride down to Holland Road (wanted to go Vivo n c the stars but it was too far off n we didnt hav alot of time) Before that we had bought some drinks from 7-11 n since me n single 'e' couldnt finish we dumped it in her bottle. Holland was THE BEST! The people there were so nice. Mostly Caucasians (about 50%), but I can't say the locals arent nice! The people there were really nice. Some of them were families with their little kids (all so kAwAiI!!!) Then some of the expatriates gave real generous amounts (I got quite a fair share of $10 =P) The individuals on the run we didnt really approach. I expected to not even cover the bottom of the tin (Milo-tin sized! Liao!) But in the end we got almost half!

Going back was a chore. Taking the bus... So boring. Managed to view some brilliant examples of Singapore architecture though, so that kept me busy. I've got some ideas for my comic ^^

When we handed the can over, I WHOOPIED!!! Lol... Not that doing fundraising was bad, it was pretty fun, and wasnt what I expected. Well, I cant say i havent learnt anything... Neither can i really say i've learnt something. But the worse part was rushing over to my student's house to teach him phonics... 3 hrs late i think. Ouch. Horrid. Better and NEVER do it again... I've never been that late before!

Oh well. Back anyway n dry despite the rain. Sweaty n sticky instead. And I think i lost a few pounds =P

(Song changed to Gekkouka... Dunno y juz like it coz im emo-ing lol)

Days of Tedium

2007-01-19T14:14:00.000+08:00

Added some crap to my blog again. Still can't think of how 2 make it better... It pales in comparision to my jiejie's blog... So nice wor. But I dun wan none of her girly stuff though haha.

Had 5 tests.. 4 or 5 I don't remember... For this week alone. Next week there's tests too. Sec 4 life is getting very hectic. I havent really handed up all of my ISPL's yet. Mamachan'll kill me mann...

Yesterday had a freakin bad sore throat + fever. I got scolded by Ms Yee several times coz i kept singing the wrong stuff... Like she says 'sing to blah' and i sing to blahblahblah... Extra stuff at the back. So embarrasing! Didnt sleep well either... Studying A. maths ytd was as good as not doing so... Nothing was going in...
Woke up bleary eyed with something dislodged in my throat. And what turned out after heavy snorting was glops of dark greenish phlegm with blood in it... EWWW! What a perfect way to start the day... Felt better though aft drinking some honey with lime (arigato Joeline! Lol... that's my maid's name!)
Was bleary for most part of today's morning... Bio questions all answered in fantastically wrong fashions... After recess (n ka jiao-ing the coconut head) I felt alot better. Fever's subsided. YAY! But throat still feels kinda itchy. Thank heavens my ulcer's recovering...

Being sick is no fun mann. I always get sick (usually FEVER) before Chinese New year. And then I cant eat the goodies coz my papa says so... But in the end I'll still sneak some ^^

Worse is that I virtually forgot everything on my list of to-do-things... Shucks...

To think that a few years back (until recently), I had always been a super slacker. When I was in lower sec I blew the tops off almost all my teachers (except Mr. Chia who taught art =P) Homework late late late... Files? Messy, things missing... Tests? Bo pien la dun study la, pass happy le... Now? AAAAHHHH HOMEWORK NT DONE!!! Muz do muz do!!! Files? When muz hand up ah? TEST? AAAAHHHH MUZ STUDY!!!!

Haha. Sometimes I don't believe myself either. And I've recently started to nag at my friends abt studies... AM I TURNING INTO A OLD HAG?!?! I mean, I already have white hair... Mayb its the process of growing up at work. Or mayb I'm juz super stressed. I mean, yesterday I slept the earliest in a long time: 10.40pm. Is THAT early? Not quite. But my poor body cant tahan one eh. I need 13hrs of sleep xD It's just... Not me... So i dont quite understand what I am doing now, or for that matter, who i am...

Kay den. Enough with the crap. Gotta go pangya now ^^

Canvas lyrics!

2007-01-17T17:43:00.000+08:00

YaWn....

I am so freaking bored... Here are the lyrics + translation for "Canvas"... Enjoy!

Canvas (COOLON) -- Eureka Seven

kawaranai mainichi kara nukedashitakute hitori arukidashita
kono te ni tsukanda chizu wo hirogereba tadoritsukeruto omottanda
tada ga mushara ni natte susumu koto dake ni torawarete
ashimoto mo mienakunatte tsumazuite asphalt ni korogatte
sora wo miagete hitomi wo tojitefukanda minna no egao ni kizukasaretayo

furikaeru to itsumo kawaranai basho ga aru kara
donna gyakkyou mo fuan mo koete yukeru
hateshinai michi naru michi e to fumidaseru

dakedo kanchigai hitori de tsuyoku nattatte kigashite ita
jibun no yowasa mitsuke kasumu ikute demo hikari sashite mina no kao wo ukaberu
senaka osu koe ga atte koso koete yuku koto ga dekitanda ne
yatto wakatta toki kara wa yabure kansha no kimochi mo mebae

itsumo itsumo tsukkoshitte sou yatte susumu my way
katte datte muri ni iji ni natte
koetai kabe tobikoeru hane hoshikattanda tsuyoku naru tame
tachiagatte mae e mae e taoretatte nando dattedatte dare nimo aru hazu "kaereru basho"
itsumo itsumo datte sou yori sou kizuna
Hands in the air todoku eeru mune ni saki e

furikaeru to itsumo kawaranai basho ga aru kara
donna gyakkyou mo fuan mo koete yukeru
hateshinai michi naru michi e to fumidaseru

owaranai tabi no tochuu de tachi tomatte
kizukasareta kakegae no nai mono
mune no honou afuredasu hodo
dokomademo ikeru hazu sa
hito wo mamoreru tsuyosa itsuka kono te ni

furikaeru to itsumo kawaranai basho ga aru kara
donna gyakkyou mo fuan mo koete yukeru
hateshinai michi naru michi e to fumidaseru

furikaeru to itsumo kawaranai basho ga aru kara
donna gyakkyou mo fuan mo koete yukeru
hateshinai michi naru michi e to fumidaseru

furikaeru to itsumo kawaranai basho ga aru kara
donna gyakkyou mo fuan mo koete yukeru
hateshinai michi naru michi e to fumidaseru

El Translation:

From these never changing days, I wanted to escape, so I stepped out on my own.
If I spread this map in my hands, I thought I could struggle to somewhere
But I just become vexed, and unable to progress
I became unable to see my steps, and stumbled on the asphalt, rolling
I look up at the sky with my eyes closed
I was hurt by the everyone’s empty smiles

Always when I look back, there’s a never-changing place
So I can overcome whatever adversity and unease
And I’ll be able to step out into the never-ending unknown road

But I misunderstood, I thought I became strong alone
I realised my own weakness and got confused but light shone and I saw everyone’s faces
Since there’s a voice that pushes me, for sure I have now passed through
Finally when I understood and broke my shell apart, feelings of gratitude sprout

Always I rush and do it my way
Selfishly, unreasonably and stubbornly
The wall I want to overcome, the wings to fly over, for the strength I desired
I stand up and move forward, no matter how many times I fall
Cos everyone should have a place to return to
A bond that can be relied on always
Hands in the air let out a yell and stick your chest out

Whenever I look back, there’s a never-changing place
I can overcome whatever adversity and unease
And I’ll be able to step out into the never-ending unknown road

On the never-ending journey, I stopped
The wounded irreplaceable things
The flame in my heart bursts forth
I probably could go anywhere and everywhere
The power to protect people, someday I’ll have

Always when I look back, there’s a never-changing place
I can overcome whatever adversity and unease
And I’ll be able to step out into the never-ending unknown road

Always when I look back, there’s a never-changing place
I can overcome whatever adversity and unease
And I’ll be able to step out into the never-ending unknown road

Always when I look back, there’s a never-changing place
I can overcome whatever adversity and unease
And I’ll be able to step out into the never-ending unknown road

(something wrong wif e words in EL trans... komen komen)

A Faint Longing

2007-01-17T16:14:00.000+08:00

Today I was w8in 4 e bus at e bus stop... Saw a couple from our school kissing n hugging in public. The general reaction? Pretend not to notice, but in true reality my brain was screaming: "Ewww!!! How in the Wurld can they do that??? Wad abt those innocent lil kiddies from PEPS?" Lolz...

But something deep down inside awoke. A stirring devil within my insides... Seriously. It's almost a year since I've broke up wif my ex. How in the bbblllloooooodddyyyy hell can I still think abt him? Not exactly thinking abt him. But somehow its the memories we've had together...

O accursed one, why do you torment me with your being? I thought by doing this things would be better. I thought the bond between us would break and vanish. But yet you still torment me with memories of you... I have completely no idea how's he doing now. Never heard from him. Neither, i think, will he hear from me...

But after breaking up, somehow I still yearn for someone (i can keep dreaming) to hold me in his arms, whisper into my ear that he loves me...

AAAAHHHHHH SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!

But reality is here to stay. Aint plannin no relationships until aft the big O's. Even then, I dont think it's a good idea. I once saw a friend's personal message on Messenger... "Love is an obstacle that stops us from achieving our goals" (smth liddat lah) I totally agree with him. Love? Makes us sick in the head. Love? Makes us go dizzy with silly passion. Love? Could possibly go unrequited and futile. And even if it seems it might go somewhere, love can as easily turn to hate. And there would be love no more...

Love? Bah. Youngmin is partially right. It does exist, but how long does it last? How will you know if it's really love? What can it do to a person? How can it benefit us? How will you know if the other person loves you the same way? How'd you know if it isnt lust?

Haiz... Me the incredible "love expert" (emphasis on the inverted commas) is stumped by her own problem. Somehow, when one can solve others' problems, when it occurs to you yourself or someone close 2 you (like family), you'll be stupefied. Yeah.

Oh well! Enough on this already. Got lotsa homework to do so I'd better get a move on, rather than talk crap in my blog...

Exhaustion

2007-01-16T22:33:00.000+08:00

So tired...

Choir was really much better than the last time round... At least there were peeps listening to me this time round. I'm on highhhh~!!!! Hahaz...

But it's a great feeling really, when you've set your mind to do something n there r ppl supportin u... N i love it! Whooo babe!

Haha. Too tired n rushed to type anything else. Uploaded a song onto my blog... Canvas! My all time fav song. It's a sad song, but it tells us the importance of picking urself up n trying again... No matter how hard n even if no one is there for you.

Oh yes... The lyrics I put below is e chorus for Canvas... And this song's from a gr8 line of other songs from the anime Eureka Seven ^^

That's all peeps! I've got plenty of other things to do... Before my mum murders me...

Ciao~!

More or lesss

2007-01-14T21:58:00.000+08:00

Ahhh finally I'm done with my blog... Before my dad eats me up *urph*

Hmm... Still doesnt look very personal... Should ask people how 2 upload songs... Put pictures n such. I lazy 2 do em now... N i only link to so few people! So boring!!!

Today went out n eat until wan 2 vomit. All my sis' fault, dun wan 2 eat her share...

O well, enough for now!

ZzZzzz....

This is ridiculous...

2007-01-14T11:20:00.000+08:00

yes yes yes... Perpetually under construction...
Finally I am actually bothered to do something about this dumb thing!

My prev blog was on Msn Space if you guys didnt know... http://jobichipynklolly.spaces.live.com/

Well, most is up i guess... Blog skin, check. Tag board, check. Profile... Still undone... All that's left is some personalising of my blog. And that's the posts xD

Haiz.... Not bothered to write any more. Gotta work on it!

Cheers~